Time changes people
by TheSiner
Summary: Shu can't be with Yuki anymore, because he is...Yuki mean and cold. So he runs away leaving everything behind. Then he returns. He has changed. How will Yuki react? Will they be together again? Complete for now.
1. REALIZATION

Disclaimer: I don't own Gravitation and I just borrow characters to write a fan fiction story with noncommercial intentions. And I hope I don't offend anyone.

A/N: This is my fanfic about Yuki and Shu. I don't know if it's good enough, but I wanted to try. I am mainly concerned about my language. If I will find at least one person who likes it, I will continue . There are a lot of twists and turns in my story, only first chapters are kind of slow.

And I must express my gratitude. Thank you my Beta Touma Hasiba for trying to improve my story. Thank you!

So some chapters are betaedited, some are not.

So read my experiment and review it.

* * *

REALIZATION

Shuichi's POV

It's late. I am sitting on the couch in the dark living room. Yuki is in his studio, typing. He has a deadline coming, so he told me to leave him alone and be quiet. Now I am trying to do my best. I tried to read a book but couldn't. I have all these thoughts in my head. My head is spinning. Sometimes I am afraid that I will suffocate. Sometimes I feel like my thoughts are strangling me from inside. Sometimes, because of them, I throw up.

I can't remember when everything changed. Or…it's hard to tell what changed…I mean everything's the same. Kind of. No. When I think about it, I realize what the problem is. Actually nothing has changed. Maybe I shouldn't complain, because I knew what I am signing up for. I knew Yuki, and about his problems…But sometimes I feel I can't take it anymore.

I can tolerate Tohma and swallow his never ending sophisticated insults. I can lower my head and look in another direction when he looks at me like I was a piece of garbage or says something about me and Yuki or insults my poor lyrics. It's usually a hidden threat or taunt.

A sad smile appears on my lips. Tohma is good. He has never lost his temper or said what he is actually thinks straight forward, he has his ways of showing what he feels but I can feel his hate even if he keeps up appearances. I don't know why he hates me so much. Of course, it's all about Yuki. It's always about Yuki. Maybe he thinks I am not good enough for his precious Yuki. Maybe, he thinks I will hurt him or…he's jealous. I don't want to think about it… it's… I don't know what to think about it. But I know Tohma wouldn't hesitate to take me away by any mean, if he could. But he can't because of Yuki. And of course he's using me as long as I am profitable. Bad Luck is doing well…not well…superb.

I loved singing. But now it's different. Sometimes I feel my voice is dying. Slowly drowning in my sad thoughts. And Bad Luck is different now. Suguru cares only for fame and money, and…sometimes I don't even understand what his ambitions are. Suguru and K make sure I am doing my best, working hard, and writing lyrics. That's only thing they care about. So, I do! I make them happy.

I come to work on time, I write a lot of lyrics, I sing my soul out. I even smile and laugh and jump around. Even if I feel like breaking down and crying or like tearing my heart out of my chest with bare hands. But I play my part. I am little, silly, clumsy smiling, jumping, whining Shu.

I should be an actor, I am really good! Even Hiro doesn't notice. It's so sad. Hiro has always been my best friend. He's always been there for me. But lately we've fallen apart. We talk sometimes. But he never really listens…and I don't know what I can say. He has his own life with Ayaka who he's happy and in love with. There is no place for a ruined person like me in his life. When he asks about Yuki and me, I say what is expected of me, I say we're fine.

It's always about Yuki…

But nothing is fine with Yuki. I know would stand Tohma and Suguru and Hiro, if only… I.. It's hard to admit something like that even to myself. I love Yuki. Madly. With all I have. With my heart and my soul. I mean… I put all my energy in our relationship. I keep coming back when Yuki tosses me out. I fight for him. I went to Kyoto and New York, to win him back when he left me. I would even follow him into Hell to tell him that I love him. I give myself to Yuki. I give him all I have.

But Yuki. He's Yuki. A famous novelist. A Gorgeous bastard. My only lover. But is he? Is he my lover? Does he love me? Sometimes he has that look… his eyes' change… he gives me that tender look. When I see it, my heart jumps and I am so happy. But it's so rare. And I need more than a tender look every now and then.

We never go out, he never holds my hand or even smiles for me. Of course he takes me to his bed and it's… sex is good… it's fantastic. Yuki is… very good at that. Just thinking about it makes me blush again. But lately it's… I don't know… I have started to feel used… especially when he makes me sleep on the couch after THAT.

I love him. I love Yuki and I am sure he loves me too… well… I think… I hope… I am not sure… I don't know… I am trying to hold back tears… I have been crying too much lately. When no one sees. Not like anyone notices. When I think of Yuki I burst into tears. Yes, it's all about him…

I feel a hand on my shoulder. I jump up and Yuki catches me in the warm embrace pressing his lips on my neck and kissing it fiercely. I put my hands around his shoulders; Yuki puts his hand on my butt. I shiver. He lifts me up and I put my legs around his waist. He takes me to the bedroom.

Yuki is one me. (This phrase does not make sense. What are you trying to say?)

He looks in my eyes, I scream his name when he takes me. 'I love you Yuki', I think. I want to tell him and ask him if he loves me as I love him, but I can't… something holds me back. I am afraid. I'm afraid to hear the answer.

But I know Yuki. He won't answer anyway. He slips off me. I hear his voice. It says 'couch'. I almost sigh, but I stop myself. I climb off the bed, put on my boxers, gather my clothes and leave. I stop at the door and look back for a moment. His eyes are closed. But I know he's not sleeping.

He looks so beautiful. The moonlight makes his skin look almost transparent. He's peaceful like an angel. Without me.

I walk through the door and go to the couch. I feel numb, mechanical. Yuki. I want to run back in his bedroom (HIS bedroom…) and scream. I want to grab him and shake. I want to shake out all that coldness, apathy and ask him, why. Why? Why? Why? Why what… I don't know… I don't know what… It's all about Yuki…

And what about me? What about me… Me? Shindou Shuichi? What about me… Suddenly realisation hits me. There is no 'me' anymore. I remember Shu. He is a child who breaths music and dreams of love. He is joyful and fun, naive and enthusiastic about everything.

He's someone I am imitating all the time.

Shu is dead.

They killed him. Tohma, Seguma, K, Hiro. Yuki. I gave everything to Yuki. I gave him all I had. My love, my soul, myself. And, now there is nothing left. I am drained. Empty. I gave everything, but received nothing. I don't even know who I am anymore. I have nothing left. I… I can't do it anymore… I still want it more than anything… but I can't. Soon Yuki will notice that I am not Shu, that I am some stranger pretending…

I put my clothes on instead of pajamas and get my bag. I start to pack my things. There is not a lot. I take some clothes, but only the ones I bought recently, and CD's, I can't leave Shu's CD's. I want to, but I can't. I know Shu will forgive me for this weakness. I have only one small bag. All my life is in one small bag. My relationship with Yuki in a ratty bag.

I can't go like that. I must write a note. I take the notebook where Shu used to write his lyrics. I open it and write: I'm sorry. I leave the notebook open on the couch, grab my bag and leave the apartment.

TBC


	2. DECISION

Disclaimer: I don't own Gravitation and I just borrow characters to write a fan fiction story with noncommercial intentions. And I hope I don't offend anyone.

DECISION

Shuichi's POV

I run and don't look back. I am afraid of what's going to happen if I do. I run and I don't know where or for how long. Then I see a taxi. I stop it and climb in. "Hotel" I mutter, when the driver asks where I want to go, I answer that it doesn't matter.

I fall down on large bed. My bed. I paid for this bed. So it's mine and no one can kick me out of it. I start to laugh. I don't know why, but I laugh as I never had before. I laugh and can't stop myself.

Then I feel tears coming down my cheeks and my laughing turns into sobbing. I need to forget what I just did. I am so selfish… I didn't think about anyone… I am bad. I open the mini-bar. All hotels have them to make miserable people pay a lot of extra money.

I take out all the bottles of alcohol and open one and drink. I don't care about sharp bitter taste. I don't know what it is; I am not a drinking person usually. I open next and next one and I feel good.

Yuki is drinking person.

What have I done? I am bad, bad, bad! It's all my fault. I don't deserve to be alive. I crawl out on the balcony. Stand up and look down. Tokyo is beautiful. All the lights and cars running up and down the streets.

Tokyo is so alive. But I am dead. I am dead already so why shouldn't I… Maybe if I jumped I wouldn't fall, but fly up in the night sky above my beautiful Tokyo like an angel careless and free.

Maybe Shu would fly, but not me… No, I can't die. That's stupid. They all would like it. This would be tragic and beautiful. My fragile body scattered on the pavement. They would cry. Mourn my death. My friends, my family, Yuki. Everyone would feel pity for them. And Tohma would sell a lot of records.

Yuki once told me, I don't look like someone who is sensitive enough to commit suicide. What does he know about me? He doesn't know anything at all! And he hasn't bothered to find out.

What have they done to me? Even I don't know myself anymore!

It's my fault too.

I let them. I let Tohma humiliate myself, I never fought back, because he's Tohma and because of Bad Luck. I let Suguru and K make me work like a slave; I let Hiro stop caring about me. I let Yuki…take everything from me not giving back anything. "Enough! ENOUGH! ENOUGH!" I scream. I keep screaming. I scream out my anger, my despair, and my loneliness. I feel free…free to be myself… free to have my life back. Have myself back.

My head hurts, and I feel sort of dizzy, as I open my eyes and look around, suddenly, I remember everything. Aha…I shouldn't be drinking. I drag my sorry ass to the bathroom and take a long, hot shower. I walk back in my room put on some clothes and order breakfast.

I eat my scrambled eggs, ham, bread and strawberries with whipped cream. I walk out on the balcony, the air is refreshing outside.

I tried to avoid thinking until this moment. But I have to decide what to do. I can't stay here. They will find me. I can't stay in Tokyo. They will find me or I will run back to Yuki. I am not going to lie to myself. I still love him. And I feel, that I always will.

But that doesn't matter. I've been naïve kid with no pride or self-esteem. I am not like that anymore. Actually I've become different lately. I realised how dumb and narrow minded I was at the time I first met Yuki, who was embodiment of intelligence. So I started to read, watch news and even studied English. I never told anyone. I was afraid they wouldn't believe me or Yuki would say that I am baka and that my efforts are useless and laugh at me.

They don't want me to change or grow up. It's convenient to have genki baka Shu and manipulate as they want. But I had a lot of people to learn from. I have learned how to manipulate, destroy and betray the hard way.

I don't know if I ever forgive them.

I can't stay in Japan. I am not going back.

I know only one place I always wanted to go.

New York.

I pick up the phone and buy a plane ticket.

TBC


	3. FATE

Disclaimer: I don't own Gravitation and I just borrow characters to write a fan fiction story with noncommercial intentions. And I hope I don't offend anyone.

FATE

Shuichi's POV 

"What are you thinking about?"

"It's none of you business."

"Cut it out Shuichi! It's me – Aaron."

I give Aaron angry glare. But I already know it could scare off anyone, except my personal assistant Aaron Fleming. The blonde American has been my assistant, secretary and friend for more than year now. And he's the only person I trust now. The only person I can't fool.

I don't understand how he broke through my shell of coldness, anger and brutality. But he did. I guess I still need someone I can trust. And I trust Aaron with my life. But sometimes his perspicacity is too much for me. Especially now.

My plane is landing in an hour. I'll be in Tokyo in an hour. What I am thinking about? I couldn't name all the things I am thinking about even if I wanted. And I don't. Not now.

"My past," I answer. Aaron nods and doesn't say anything. I am grateful for that. There is nothing he can say. After a couple of minutes he tells me, that he's here for me. I nod.

I haven't told him about my past. I don't talk about it. But he's always there. He always takes care of me as much as I allow him.

Aarons POV 

"I'll be there for you Shuichi."

Shuichi is most beautiful person I've ever seen. He has beautiful features, amazing wide violet eyes, pale, soft skin. He seems to be so fragile and ethereal. Most of all I love his hair; its colour is something like wet sand on the beach with some darker strands. His unruly locks are almost touching his shoulder.

He needed to change his hair colour for his work. The bright pink mop was fine for pop star, but it's not for top model. But I know Shuichi was kind of relieved to get rid of his pink, which was one more thing connecting himself to his past. And Shuichi looks even more gorgeous now. I just love his lithe body, slightly muscular, but rather lean.

He says, he's taller now, than year before, only a little bit, but anyway… I love him.

But only as a friend, of course. I love him as much as totally straight guy can. And I know he loves me as much as an Ice Prince can. People in fashion circles call him Ice, or The Ice Prince, because he's not having any affairs and he doesn't accept any offers from people who are throwing themselves at him. And he's also so serious and distant sometimes he gets really 'unfriendly'.

'Ice' was his alias when he started modeling. Of course he's different when he's working. Shuichi is very professional. He is the best actor I've seen – he can play out any emotion, it's amazing considering his usual ice-cold personality.

I think I am the only person who knows there is a little bit more than that…

And now in an hour we will be at Tokyo. We needed to come, because Shuichi is staring in his second movie.

He is quite famous now, because first one was a blockbuster all over the world. Giving leading part to Shuichi who was new even in the modeling business was actually a crazy move, but the producer was so in love with Shuichi or his talent or both (I am not sure which is correct) so he just did it. And Shuichi was stunning. He played young man who dies for his beloved. The dying scene made people cry all over the world. Even at premiere all the big stars who were invited cried their eyes out not caring about ruining their image.

But I know how much this perfect scene took from Shuichi. By that time we had gotten very close. He doesn't tell me about his past, but I've seen him when he…breaks down sometimes.

Shuichi's POV 

I wanted to arrive to Tokyo a couple of days before the other leading actors, because I didn't want extra attention. So Aaron just told lies to everyone. Soon they'll find out, but I don't care. That's not my problem anyway.

He rented an apartment for me a week ago, actually a small house. No one could force me into staying in some high class hotel and being pampered by people who would faint every time they see me or try something else even less reasonable. And then, after someone constantly intrudes in my privacy, I would get really angry and do something stupid and my manager would get on my nerves with publicity bullshit…

I know it's actually not bullshit. So I am going to hide. Besides I need space for my bike. I miss my Suzuki already. It's kind of bike people use for racing. Good for speeding.

We are landing in half an hour. It's a relief that no one knows I am coming. I'll be able to be just a commoner for a couple of days. Of course I am not naive. I know that all hell will break loose when someone will find out that I am in Tokyo. The media will stalk me. And my 'friends', I don't think they'll leave me alone.

They have tried to meet me before, but I was in New York and Aaron made sure they won't get close to me. That was a couple of months after my escape, when I became popular as a model, my pictures were everywhere and they found out were am I. They tried to contact me, but I refused to talk to them. Except one person.

I sent them a massage. It was short and simple – I am gone, I am not coming back, doesn't matter what they say or do, they will have to wait to see me again. I am sure that there is no way I will manage to escape anyone who really wants to see me in Tokyo. And I am not going to run and hide.

Tokyo. I am home again.

Me and Aaron, we walk out of the airport. I help Aaron to put our bags in a taxi and put on my leather jacket. I see Aaron frown. I know why. My bike was shipped to Japan a couple of days before and now it's waiting for me at parking lot. I miss my bike and speed badly. Aaron knows it and he's concerned for my safety at the moment. He says I drive like a maniac and warns me and kind of scolds me in advance, saying that he will kick my thick ass if I will get it in any kind of trouble. I just roll my eyes and go to get my baby, or maybe beast.

I take a look at my black beauty, everything's fine as far as I see. I put on a helmet. I used to go without it, but then I had a talk with Aaron. He said that I can crash and die if I won't use a helmet. I yelled back, that I am dead already. Then he said that I could crash and not die, but remain crippled till the end of my further life.

We were arguing and finally I got tired and he forced me to swear that I was not going anywhere without a helmet.

Now I am ready for a wild ride. I've never biked in Tokyo, so it's going be exciting. I tear down the streets randomly picking turns, enjoying familiar sights and speed. Only hindrance for me is traffic light. I saw the lights changing. I want to be in the first row to be the first who is free to go. I do some quite crazy moves maneuvering my bike passing other vehicles. I hear beeping. But I couldn't care less. I've become very good with my motorcycle lately.

I stop by the next traffic light, looking forward, anxious to go. Then I heard car signalizing on my right. I turn my head and there is a man in the black foreign car.

"Baka! Are you trying to kill yourself! And someone else on the way!" The driver yells at me. For the moment I can only stare. He's gorgeous. As always. Yuki says something else, but I actually didn't hear what exactly… But then I regain my composure.

"Don't worry about me Mr. Uesagi," I say hoping that my voice is mutilated by helmet and my perfect English makes it unrecognizable. Then I push hard on the gas pedal and next thing I know I am far away from those traffic lights. But there is no place I can run and hide from my thoughts.

Fate is such a bitch sometimes.

TBC


	4. OLD FRIENDS

Disclaimer: I don't own Gravitation and I just borrow characters to write a fan fiction story with noncommercial intentions. And I hope I don't offend anyone.

A/N: _italics _– for song lyrics

OLD FRIENDS

Yuki's POV  
  
What was…who? I am fucking pissed off. At first that baka drives as if he had a dead wish and almost crushes in my car. I hope it doesn't have any scratches. And then he even doesn't apologize and he knows me, but I don't know him… That voice was kind of familiar, I think I have heard it before, but I am not sure where or when. Maybe he's a fan or… And when he drove off, I thought he will crush – ignoring the traffic lights. Crazy moron… But he has cute ass and those leather pants doesn't hide anything.  
If we meet again…

Shuichi's POV  
  
I was so tempted to say, that I am not sensitive enough to commit a suicide. But I am not going to show Yuki that I remember every word I have heard from his mouth. I haven't seen him a year and a half. That's how long I was away. He's still gorgeous. Mysterious. And cold.

I promised, I won't lie to myself. So I must admit – Shu still has strong feelings for Yuki. But Shu is dead. Yuki killed him. So it doesn't matter.

i _Listen, I mean it, there's nothing that he's worthy of  
He's just another player, playing in the name of love… /i _ (1)

I wrote down in my note book. I still write lyrics and music. My music is different, but I know it's good. No one else knows about it. I don't know why I am doing it. I just can't stop myself. But I can't sing these songs. They are too personal. They are parts of my soul of my secret thoughts which I couldn't reveal to anyone. People don't let others to read their diaries.

I like my new house. Thank you Aaron. It has two bedrooms, a spacious living room and studio were I have my keyboard and lap top. Of course kitchen and two bathrooms and garage for my bike. And a pool. That's the best thing, I like swimming. Walls are black and dark blue, except the white studio. I am always wearing black, dark blue and white since I left Tokyo. And I like to see those colors around me.

I drop my notebook and decide to go shopping. I need some food. I don't feel like eating, but I know I must or I will look like shit and it's not good for my career, so I do. I am still not good with cooking so I usually eat something I don't need to cook. Or I just eat my food raw. It's fine I don't care about taste very much, so I just fill my empty stomach; when I am duteous enough to remember and to force myself eat. So I put on my disguise – baseball cap and dark glasses and call a taxi.

Ryuichi's POV  
  
RING!  
RING!

Hurrah! Kumagoru! Someone is calling us! Someone is calling us! I jump off the couch and run to the phone. I say that it's me! Then I wait. These two seconds seems to be… an eternity!

"Hi, Ryuichi. It's me, Shuichi. I am here. In Tokyo."

No! No! No! I can't believe it! Yes! Yes! Yes! I start to question him! I ask when he came, why he's here, what is he doing now, can I meet him, where is he staying… I manage to ask like one hundred questions in a moment.

Then he stops me and says that we could meet at the coffee shop not far from my home in an hour. I am happy! Happy! Happy! I jump and laugh and drop the phone. I hope it's not broken…

I come to the coffee shop half an hour early. I m so anxious to see Shuichi! And there he comes! Shu! Shu! Shu! I run to him and hug him! Then I suspect he's choking and I let him go! Strangling people is not nice even with good intentions. We sit down and order something to drink. Then I look at Shu. Oh, he looks drop dead gorgeous! His new hair style makes a difference. He's always been beautiful, but now…

But he's different. Oh my God, so different! I've only heard him on the phone before. I couldn't go to New York to meet Shu, because everyone could find out… I knew he was a little bit different, but not…He still has beautiful, wide purple eyes, but they are not alive and sparkling as before. He hardly smiles and his small smiles never reache his eyes.

Shuichi seems so mature, so distant… and cool. We talk about my job, his job. While we talk Shuichi becomes a little bit warmer, but only slightly. He gives me his number. I hug him again. I feel emptiness when he walks away. I feel anger.

Oh, I am so angry. I didn't suspect Shuichi is like this now. I've seen his movie and pictures in magazines. He was laughing there and he looked happy in happy scenes! Now I know he's just a brilliant actor. He even looked hurt when I called him Shu and asked me not to call him this name.

He looks like someone who was broken and then gathered all his strength to put himself together. He's lost and scared and angry and sad. And broken. But he isn't showing that side to anyone. He tries to tear his heart out of chest and throw it away. I hope there is Shu somewhere behind those cold, blank eyes. But I can reach him now.

I am so angry! Shu is dead and I know who killed him! It was my fault too, oh, I am so guilty, I saw what Tohma was doing, how he treated Shu! But I didn't tell anything, I didn't do anything! I let him, because I thought he's jealous and hurt because of Yuki…oh, how could I think something like that, how could I think that Tohma or anyone else had right to hurt Shu! I was ignorant and blind and…

I storm in the NG records and go straight to the Tohmas office. I know I shouldn't do this, but I don't fucking care. I apologize Kumagoru for my potty mouth, but he understands. He's angry too. I don't knock on the door. I just walk in. And I see that Tohma is surprised to see me, especially because I look like my mature self, I look like that only when I'm on the stage. Or I am deadly serious about something.

Tohma asks if I need something. I start to yell at him. I say I will never ever forgive him what he did to Shu. I say that Shu was the sweetest and kindest person I've met. He was joyful and innocent. He was unselfish, he just wanted anyone to be happy and he tried to do what's better for everyone. But you, but you  
"You broke him! And only because of your jealousy. Shuichi Shindou was the best thing what could ever happen to that bastard Yuki Eiri!"

Tohma is thunderstruck and shocked. And I am not going to explain. Then suddenly door opens. And…and…Yuki Eiri walks in. He asks why are we yelling and uses the "f" word. He looks gorgeous, arrogant, cold and annoyed as always. I want to, I…I approach him; I smack him in the face and leave not looking back.

(1) I used some lyrics from Backstreet boys, song - Get another boyfriend. I think this is only one of their songs I like. And don't know why...

TBC


	5. GOING OUT

Disclaimer: I don't own Gravitation and I just borrow characters to write a fan fiction story with noncommercial intentions. And I hope I don't offend anyone.

A/N: _italics _– for song lyrics

GOING OUT

Yuki's POV

I am going to see Tohma and it's already giving me a headache. I approach his office and hear someone yelling inside. Who would dare to yell at Tohma Seguchi like that? I don't bother to knock and just walk in. I see a dumbfounded Tohma and a furious Ryuichi yelling that he will never forgive Tohma.

I frown. I didn't suspect that moron Ryuichi was capable of throwing that kind of tantrum. Then Ryuichi notices me. He approaches me and slaps me in face. I am stunned for a moment. But only for a moment. It's too late to catch that jerk and kick his ass…

"Now, Tohma, explain me, what was that all about?"

"Eiri…"

"Don't Eiri me! Speak!"

"I, I…"

"Don't try my patience, Tohma."

"It was about Shuichi Shindou." He sighs.

I try my best not to show any emotions.

"Well, thing he said…there was not a lot of reasonable information. But I suspect Shuichi Shindou is here. In Tokyo."

I almost loose my breath. Tohma tells me he knew Shuichi is coming, because of his new movie, but it was supposed to happen next week. But now he thinks Shuichi is here and Ryuichi has met him. I see that Tohma is watching me closely to see my reaction. There is none. I just turn my back and walk out. I hear Tohma gives a deep sigh.

Shuichi's POV

I jump up in my bed my body covered with cold sweat. I am panting. That dream again. That fucking dream. Haunting me. I haven't seen it almost a week. It's always the same…and I am dying at the end. I want to cry. But I can't. There are no tears. I can't cry anymore. I am so dead.

I feel rage building up in me. I need it out. I stand up and start to pace back and forth in my bedroom. I feel like… I scream, scream out my anger. That's one of the reasons, why I need a separate house. My screaming habit and sometimes destroying some furniture doesn't go under characteristics of a good neighbor.

Hotels are the worst, because there are usually fancy cars parked somewhere and when I suddenly throw a couple of lamps out of the window… well… I don't even know why I am doing this. Sometimes I just can't help myself… But at least my manager doesn't insist that I must live in hotel anymore. He says he would appreciate if I tried to behave. But it's easier to cover it when I do something crazy if there are less people around.

I know I will not be able to sleep now, so I find my box and open it. There is a lot of good stuff. Stuff what helps me get rid of these thoughts for some time. I take out one cigarette and light it. Actually I think this is better than Yuki's cigarettes. Besides I am not smoking one after another. I start to laugh. If I smoked my cigarettes as much as Yuki smokes his I would never leave ga-ga land.

I woke up naked on my bed but I am sleeping above black satin covers. I hope I didn't go out like this nor did something equally stupid last night. I am sure that I was wearing something before got stoned last night. But at least I got my sleep this way.

_ i __You kiss me, you kill me_

_But you're still in me…__ /i _

I throw my notebook on the table. One more song. One more stupid song.

I go to my bedroom and pick up my black eye liner and draw a thick line. I feel like that today. Aaron says it looks scary and too punk on me, because of my innocent features and eyes and usually tries to wipe it off. Whatever. So I'll be scary today. But no one will see it anyway, because I put on my dark sunshades and the black baseball cap and walk outside. I feel like walking.

I should know it. I was walking somewhere, not caring where. And I ended by the park. By THE Park where we first met. It is so familiar and brings back so many memories and emotions. It is ridiculous. I am pathetic. Why am I here? This is sick. I turn around and run home. No, I am not going in there.

I go home and I have nothing to do. I am so bored. Of course I can always get stoned or write some stupid song… I pick up the phone and call Ryuichi. He's so happy to hear me. I can hear he's jumping. I say that I want to go clubbing and if he wants to join me…

He doesn't let me finish and says, that he will not let me go alone. And then he starts stammering and I ask what the problem is. So he manages to get out of himself 'Tatsuha'. "So you and the little pervert are an item now?" I ask. My words leave him speechless. I just wait. "Yes we are." He finally answers.

I say that I don't mind, he can take Tatsuha with him, but I ask him not to tell his lover boy about me till we meet at the club, because I am afraid someone could make an ambush in there and attack me. He laughs and says that he understands. So we agree to meet at the club.

I guess Tatsuha is not the worst person I could run into.

I call Aaron at the hotel and tell him that I am still fine. I have to call my assistant and reassure him of my well being at least twice a day or he will send cops after me. I put on white feather-weight laced shirt. It's airy and almost transparent and since I leave laces undone it shows my chest. I keep my leather pants and fix my make up. I think maybe I look a little bit too… But I am clubbing after all. I take my magic box, open it and take a cigarette.

Tokyo will turn me into junky… but who cares?

I walk in the club with no problems. I don't even have to use my popularity. I think the fact that I don't look like crazy, pink haired, stressed out child anymore helps. Of course I know I still look like a child or like a woman even if I am twenty one, but at least I'm not marking it out with childish clothes. Shu had terrible taste.

I go to the bar, order mojito and wait for Ryuichi and Tatsuha.

Tatsuha's POV

Ryuichi, my gorgeous, sexy Ryuichi takes me clubbing! It's great! And he says we are going to meet his friend there. When I ask who it is, he doesn't answer, he just says, it's a surprise. Oh, it's not so important anyway, while I am with my Ryuichi.

We enter the club. It's easy, because he is the famous singer of NG. And Ryuichi says we should find his friend. Then he points to the bar grabs my hand and we both try to get through the crowded club. When we approach the bar he taps a man wearing white…hm…almost transparent shirt on the shoulder. Cool… heh, I have my Ryu, but I am not dead, you know… The guy turns around and says: "At least. I almost got drunk waiting for you."

Ryuichi envelopes…envelopes…Shuichi Shindou in a tight hug. I think I am going to faint. Shuichi asks me am I going to say hello or just stare. I say 'hello'. Then I recover and fling my arms around Shuichi's neck. I say that I am so surprised and happy to see him and start asking all those 'how, why, when' questions. We sit down and he starts to tell me about his life in New York, his modeling and the new movie.

He doesn't ask anything about us here and I think I can guess why, so I don't push that topic. I am pretty much confused actually; he's kind of different, so collected, calm and mature. No babbling, fooling around or fidgeting. I don't know what to make of it. And his clothes…so different…and hot. He wasn't that hot when I saw him last time, if I wasn't with Ryuichi…

Oh, what am I thinking, I am a pervert and I can't help it!

Then Shuichi stands up and says that we should dance. I think he's a little bit drunk, because he keeps drinking those peppermint drinks, but I and Ryuichi are not much better. A couple of drinks help me not think about who is Shuichi Shindou and we just crush the dance floor to loose ourselves and all the worries in the rythm. What worries? We dance like crazy. Time after time some guy or girl tries to hit on one of us. Can't blame them - we are too good looking for our own good! Ha, ha, ha!

I am speechless again when I see how Shuichi gets rid of all the nagging people. Since when he has that cold glare? I really don't want to think about it now, but he's so different…

Shuichi's POV

Tatsuha is surprisingly sensible. He didn't ask me a single stupid question. And I am not complaining. Not going to look a gift horse in the mouth.

We are so tired, I could sleep right on my chair now. So we decide to go home. We approach the door, Tatsuha and Ryuichi are talking all the time, I hope they are so busy with themselves and don't notice that I am kind of quiet.

I don't want Tatsuha to tell anyone, that I am… well different. Don't want to spoil the surprise. We walk out the door make a couple of steps and then bright light blinds me. There are crowd and cameras everywhere.

People are yelling Ryuichi's and my name, asking questions, pushing us. I am dazed at first, but then I pull Ryuichi closer and whisper on his ear that we should split and run different directions. I don't wait for an answer, but use my elbows to get through the media mob and run down the street not looking back.

I hear them and look back, they are all following me. Fuck! Of course a runaway pop star seems more interesting than the resident pop star. I keep running till I see a taxi. I climb in and shout "Drive!".

I am panting badly. But I think that I am safe now. The taxi driver asks what that was all about, I answer that it's none of his business. I see familiar park and ask him let me out there. I am afraid if I let him drive me to my house I will have those paparazzi dogs at my doorstep tomorrow morning. Taxi drivers are not stupid. They know who to call when they see something interesting.

I pay and climb out. I decide to walk through the park. Shit! I feel kind of dizzy and extremely exhausted. I remember I haven't eaten today and I've been drinking and dancing and running and maybe I'm still slightly stoned. Shit! I can't walk. I see a bench and decide to sit down for a moment. Just to put myself together. I feel giddy, world spins around…and then…everything goes away.

TBC


	6. KIDNAPPED

Disclaimer: I don't own Gravitation and I just borrow characters to write a fan fiction story with noncommercial intentions. And I hope I don't offend anyone.

KIDNAPPED

Shuichi's POV

I smell something…I don't know what, but the scent is familiar. What happened…the park… the bench… but I feel something soft beneath me…it can't be a wooden bench…oh…my head. I open my eyes. It's not very light, but I still don't see anything at first.

I wait till my sight adjusts to the light and look around and my eyes stops on another pair of golden ones…

What the f… I close my eyes to make the image go away, I am sure I am seeing things, but when I open them again… he's still there sitting in the armchair opposite me and smoking. I am lying on the couch.

I should have burnt this couch when I was leaving… actually I have burned a couple of couches, but I think this is the one I've always wanted to extinguish. I guess that partly explains my furniture wrath…

But that's not important! Oh my dizzy head… I am now here on this couch… what… why? I keep staring at Yuki. But he's just sitting there and smoking and having that inconceivable expression on his face. My heart skips a beat.

"I have to go." Oh, yes, I really need to get out of here. I jump up and make a couple of steps, but then I don't control my body anymore I feel myself falling and sharp pain, my head… next thing I feel is strong arms around my shoulders, my waist…and spicy scent, which makes me shiver…

"Baka," I hear. But I am too exhausted to say anything. I am on the couch again and I feel he's touching my forehead he must be taking care of wound I just got. Oh God, he's touching me… he is so close to me… My eyes are closed but I can feel him, smell him…

I can't stand it! It's too much! I open my eyes and push his hand away and try to get up. Away! I fall on my knees on the carpet in the front of couch.

"Would you stop that baka!" His voice is cold and angry.

"I'm not baka!" I hiss, but can't resist when he pulls me back on the couch.

"Will I have to tie you to take care of consequences of your stupidity," he asks.

"I am not in the mood," I give him an angry glare and answer. I think he frowns. My vision is a little bit blurry. I feel his hands in my hair, I think he's trying to smooth it back to reach my wound, but that doesn't change anything, it feels more like caress anyway. Sweet torture…

I decide not to try anything; Yuki is stronger than me even when I am in a better condition.

After some time he's finished and I feel a patch placed on forehead above my temple.

He goes back to his chair, sits down, lights another cigarette.

"So, tell me how did you managed to pass out on the park bench?"

"I need to go." I say as staring at him as coldly as I can.

He just snorts.

But I feel I will have to kill him or my self if I won't get out. I close my eyes and try to breathe.

"I asked you a question."

"And I didn't answer it."

My God! What should I do? If I call taxi and the driver recognizes me I am in trouble, I can't call Aaron, it's too late and I can imagine all the fuss he will make about this. It makes me wince. I can't call Ryuichi, he will think that… I can't ask Yuki to give me a ride… I am not asking him anything and I am not telling him my address. I'm doomed.

Then I feel… a hand cups my chin. My eyes snap open. What the fuck is he doing!

"The point of my question is what's wrong with you. Should I take you to the hospital?" I feel so, so… I can't breathe… Yuki's above me, his hand on my chin… Fate is such a bitch… Why is this happening to me?

He finally releases me, but he is still sitting on the couch besides me. His hip is touching my waist. He's too close!

"Speak!" He orders. I feel I have no choice, he won't leave me alone and besides I am on his damn couch.

"Food…" I mutter.

"What?"

"No need in hospital. Some food will do." He gives me an inquiring look. I glare back.

He stands up and walks to the kitchen. After some time he's back with a steaming bowl. I pull myself up into sitting position. He hands me the bowl and spoon and I try to eat, but my hands are trembling terribly, so I almost spill it and can't get the spoon to my mouth.

He snatches the spoon and the bowl, sits on the couch beside me and…he's feeding me. Could I be more pathetic! I try not to look in his eyes and eat obediently. It takes some time. When the bowl is empty he stands up and walks to the kitchen. I close my eyes. After a couple of minutes he's back, he has a blanket in his arms. I give him an angry glare. But he just pushes me down on the couch and covers me with the blanket.

"Sleep." He says.

"And don't even think about doing something stupid. I locked the door."

"Are you kidnapping me?" I ask.

"Think what you want."

I am too tired to say anything or think anything at all.

TBC


	7. YELOW CARNATION

Disclaimer: I don't own Gravitation and I just borrow characters to write a fan fiction story with noncommercial intentions. And I hope I don't offend anyone.

YELLOW CARNATION

Shuichi's POV

I open my eyes and instantly remember everything. I think I feel better. Physically. How can I feel sleeping on this damned couch in this damned apartment with… I can't take it anymore, now when I am not dizzy… I take a look around. I am alone. If only I could get out of here quietly.

I hear water running. So Yuki's taking a shower. I am not going to face Yuki Eiri in this place, after yesterday. No way. I check the door. Of course it's still locked. So I go into studio and open the window. I try not to look around or let allow myself any stupid thoughts. I am lucky – there is a trellis for clambering plants. So I have no problems to get down even if I am on second floor.

I need to get home; I am still a little bit weak. But what was Yuki thinking. Maybe he thought he will have a chance to fuck me. It worked like that back then – he showed me some kindness and I was ready to go till the end of world for him. Or just to the bedroom. How do I manage to get in situations like this?

I walk in the kitchen and get a bottle of rum. I go in my bedroom and sit down by the bed. I want to forget everything so I start to drink hastily.

I've been drinking for some time. But I still remember…his eyes, his hair, his unique scent… I feel a tear running down my cheek. Only one. But I haven't cried for more than a year.

Then my bedroom door opens. He's here. Aaron. He bends and pries the bottle out of my hand. Then he starts to undress me, he takes of all of my clothes and puts on the pajama pants. Then He lifts me and puts me in the bed. He covers me and lies down beside me enveloping me in loving embrace and whispering comforting words in my ear.

I woke up and I am alone on my bed. I take a shower and put on some clothes. Then I walk into the kitchen. Aaron is cooking. He says good morning and I just nod. He pushes a plate in my direction and I start to eat automatically. Aaron is studying me closely. Then he asks what happened. I answer: "Nothing."

He says, he can't help me if I don't tell him. I answer that he can't help me anyway. "More than you already do," I add. He understands that I am saying thank you. He says he loves me. I try to smile and Aaron sighs.

I pick up the phone, call the florist's and ask them to send a bouquet of yellow carnation with a thank you card to a certain address.

Aaron raises an eyebrow and asks me if I know what a yellow carnation means. I answer, I do: "Disdain." He asks me if I am trying to fuck up my relationship with someone.

I answer that there is no relationship. He gives me thoughtful look. Then he sighs, maybe because he finally draws a conclusion that I am not going to tell him anything.

Then he says, he actually came to me to talk about my night out and the following media exposure. I ask if it's bad. He says that of course he doesn't like when I do something like that not letting him know (I roll my eyes at that), but it's not bad, because I got great publicity last night and today my pictures are all over the media and Japan is Shuichi-sick now and my sudden coming back is like the event of the year.

Ferguson (Darien Ferguson, my manager) called him and he's overjoyed, because he's having all kind of proposals regarding me – talk shows, interviews, photo shoots, and commercials, concerts. I frown, when I hear 'concerts'.

Yuki's POV

So, you are running from me…

Shuichi's POV

I go biking, despite Aaron who tells me that I shouldn't, because I look like shit. I just slam the door behind me.

When I come back I find Aaron in my studio. He is typing something on my lap top. He informs me that Ferguson e-mailed him a list of all the events, interviews shows and other events which are worth our attention. I sigh and sink in the comfortable chair letting Aaron know, that he can go through the list. He starts to read the list making some comments. I try my best to listen…then something really catches my attention.

"Stop there!"

"I think you should definitely…"

"Repeat that."

"Are you listening at all? Well, you have an invitation from NG records and Tohma Seguchi personally. You are invited to NG records anniversary party."

"How can I refuse if mighty Tohma Seguchi invites me?" I answer with a faint smile on my lips.

Aaron's POV

It's scary when he smiles like this. He's acting strange even for himself. I've even seen tears in his eyes! I feel like grabbing Shuichi, pushing in the taxi and taking him as far from this City as I can, leaving and not looking back… I have bad feeling about this…

Shuichi's POV

It's black and white party, but you can wear whatever black and white. It's not so easy to decide. A guy must look good facing his past. I am toying with a thought about polka dotted swimming suit or cross dressing as a woman.

Shush, silly thoughts! I am so turned on about this… I don't want to be, but I can't help myself… It will be hard to hold my emotions in check tonight. But I am the one who will be nominated for the best debut. I mean Oscar. Am I afraid? Yes I am afraid, but not afraid that they will attack me for what I did. Oh, I am sure they will. I am afraid that I will have a tantrum and do something thoughtless, as Aaron would put it.

I would say that sometimes I am afraid for my sanity… I know this is all about feelings. I feel angry, betrayed and… I can't forgive, I can't forget… Ahaa! Forget?! I'll never forget! I'll never move on! I am doomed. I am trapped in this hell people call life… call love.

I grab a lamp from table and throw it out of the window. I scream and I hit the wall with fist damaging the soft plastering. The pain calls me back into reality, I grab my hand and go to the bathroom to wash off the blood and apply some disinfectant.

I put on a pair of black pants not too tight, but they are hanging on hips and showing my hipbones. Above I wear tight sleeveless white button-up shirt made of semitransparent delicate fabrics with butterfly pattern. This combination shows my belly button when I lift my hands. I hope I look fine. It's harder to mess up if you have only black and white clothes, but sometimes I am afraid I mess up anyway.

Then I apply black eye liner. I decide against any jewelry or I will really be mistaken for a woman. I just put on one fingerless black glove on my injured hand. It still hurts badly. I hope I didn't break any bones. Well, I think I haven't.

I put on my black baseball cup and black sunshades and walk out on the street. We decided that Aaron and our limo will meet me by the convenient store not far from my home since I'm still afraid the driver could tell someone my address. Must appear paranoid, but I have experienced this a lot.

The limo stops by the red carpet; I take off my disguise and climb out alone. Aaron would walk in later with no fuss. He's kind of my date tonight, but we decided not to walk the red carpet together, because we don't want to be mistaken for a couple. We get that too often anyway.

Flashlights almost blind me as I step on the red carpet. Oh, I hate this. I try to see were I am going and find the entrance, trying to fake a genuine smile. I make it. I am in. I sigh when I see that it's not much better inside. The ball room is crowded and people are already staring at me as if they were ready to pounce on me. A man in black tuxedo approaches me. He introduces himself and says that Seguchi Tohma would like to have a word with me. I nod and follow him. It's not like this is something unexpected. Right?

My attendant knocks on the door and steps aside. I walk in. Tohma is standing in there, he smiles when I walk in the room.

"Good evening, Shuichi," he greets me. As collected and self-assured as always. And that smile has never meant anything good. Shu used to be afraid of that smile. But Shu is…

"Hello, Tohma!" I shout, I run to him and fling my arms around his neck, hugging him tightly. "It's nice to see you, Tohma! I haven't seen you for ages! How are you! How is Mikka! I hope you haven't ditched her?"

He's stunned at first so stunned he didn't even move at first when I am hugging him. Then he comes to his senses and tries to free himself of my hands.

"What do you think you are doing?"

I let him go and step back. I look at him coldly.

"It's professional…can't stop acting." My voice is like ice and steel and I know my eyes are deadly cold and I can't do anything about that. And I don't want to. I think Tohma is shocked for a moment because of extreme change in my attitude. But then he regains his composure and puts on his lizard's smile.

"I guess they are right about your acting capabilities, Shuichi."

"Some people really inspire me. What do you want, Tohma?"

"I see you are straight to the point kind of person now."

I smirk at that.

"Time changes people."

"I see."

"Listen, Tohma, if you wanted to talk about something else besides your eyesight, then talk. I am getting kind of bored. "So – what do you want?"

"Ok, Shindou. I wanted to ask you why you are here." I frown.

I wanted to ask if he has developed Alzheimer's or any other disease which comes with age and causes poor memory. But I decide not to be too offensive it would show that I am angry at him.

"You invited me, Tohma," I state the obvious.

"I can't not notice that you have developed some sense, Shuichi, so I am sure you understand my question. But fine… I want to know why you came back and what your intentions are."

"Maybe I missed you?"

"…"

"Ok, ok. I know what this is all about. Are you afraid that your precious Eiri still finds me a better fuck than you and shows you the door?"

At least that wipes that smirk off his pretty face.

"Are you insane?!" He hisses.

"Even if I had a degree in psychology I am not sure I could diagnose myself. And what about you? I don't think lusting after your brother in love can be considerate as sign of good mental health."

Tohma clenches his fists.

"You are sick!" He almost shouts.

I turn around and walk away. By the door I stop and turn back.

"And tell Yuki, that whatever he proposes I am not interested." I peacefully walk out the door not waiting for Tohma's reaction.

I know I had that bastard, but somehow that doesn't make me happier. But what does lately?

TBC


	8. SOME THINGS DOESNT CHANGE

Disclaimer: I don't own Gravitation and I just borrow characters to write a fan fiction story with noncommercial intentions. And I hope I don't offend anyone.

SOME THINGS DOESN'T CHANGE

Shuichi's POV

I go back to the ballroom. People are greeting me I answer politely, but don't engage in any longer conversations. There are like three hundred people! Luckily I spot Aaron by the buffet table and head his way. Aaron is happy to see me; he tells a beautiful girl gave him her phone number. I roll my eyes.

"Freeze right there" I hear and feel cold metal pressed to the back of my head.

"Hello, K."

"Hello? And that's all you can say after a year?"

I turn around and I see angry K, angry Hiro and angry Suguru. Here it comes…

Suddenly Aaron steps in front of me and yells at K to leave me alone and that he's crazy and a lot of other nasty things. I realize that he doesn't know K and thinks he's really going to kill me. But K, surprised because of Aaron's yelling, really steps back.

I put my hands on Aaron's shoulder to calm him down and say that I know these people and I will be fine. K steps back some more, puts his 9 mm back in the holster and puts his hands up.

"Let's go somewhere else; we are attracting attention." I say calmly and we step outside on the balcony. K pulls his gun out again and scares off a couple who are making out, but puts it back as quickly when notices Aaron's death glare. Hm… I didn't know he could be that scary…

Aaron holds his hands around me. I let him. I know he loves me like a younger brother (I am not sure if I understand what he sees in me) and I feel he needs to hold me to make sure I am safe. Of course that my look kind of weird, but that's not my main problem right now.

I look at my former friends. They haven't changed that much. But they look angry and hurt.

I realize that I am not angry with them anymore, maybe a little bit hurt. I am angry with Tohma and…Yuki. But not them. I was so devastated back then…I wasn't thinking clearly when I left. And I didn't want to see them, because I was just afraid that they will make me come back or I didn't want to see them sad. Or it was my sense of guilt – I just couldn't confront them.

They couldn't know how ruined I was. And I can't blame Hiro for being with Ayaka or Suguru and K for wishing the best for The Bad Luck. I notice that I am standing there and staring at them like a moron carried away by my thoughts. Then I break the silence.

"I know you are angry with me and I accept that you have all the rights to be. I still think my choice was the right one. But it wasn't right how I treated you, my friends. But believe me, I had my reasons. I'm sorry."

I think that's the only thing I can say…There is a moment of silence… Then Hiro jumps at me, wraps his hands around me and starts to patter that what I said was so, so touching…and that he's happy to see me back that I am a baka and they were worried. Then K and Suguru launch themselves at us and they are all three squeezing me badly and babbling.

Then Aaron shouts that they are choking me and I finally get free. Hiro looks in my eyes and says that he believes me. He says that I should talk to them about everything before I run away, but he can't not to forgive me when he sees me right now. He says that he would like to hear what actually happened back then one day, but he understands that this is not the right place and time. But I see from his look, that he has his suspicions.

I sigh mentally. No one knows what exactly happened except myself … We sit down on the balcony and talk like for an hour. Then we exchange our phone numbers. They tell me about their new band and their lives and I tell about my career. It's not like I have a life I can tell about… They tell me that I am different, more mature and…I think they realize that I am unnaturally calm and distant, but they say that I just look more mature and don't say anything about everything else. I could try and play Shu, but I don't want to lie to my friends pretending to be someone I am not anymore so…

Suddenly K jumps up and shouts that they should be going, they need to perform tonight. Hiro and Suguru say me by-by while K is already pushing them inside.

"Your friend's are weird." Aaron states. I roll my eyes. He asks how I feel. I tell him I'm fine. I say that he should go and find that girl right now. He gets the hint and leaves me alone.

I go back in the ballroom. People are coming and greeting me. They tell they watched my movie and it was great, especially the death scene (of course) and they ask am I going to sing again. Some try to flirt or even give me their phone numbers. Of course these are important people and they are stars themselves, so no one affords 'crazy fan girl' behavior, but I still feel annoyed and naked sometimes…

I am as cold and indifferent as possible, but some people just don't get the message. I am acting as a spoiled bratty movie star, but it seems no one cares enough to leave me alone. What's wrong with you people? Finally I can't take it anymore, so I excuse myself – I need a drink or I will hit someone. I head to the bar looking back over my shoulder for any nagging followers when I bump into someone and fall on my but. Unfortunately there are some things I can't change about myself.

Oh, that hurts! I am down, there is crowded and I am having some trouble with getting back on my feet. Then I see extended hand in front of me and I accept it.

"You should learn to look where you going." HE says pulling me up. No! Not him!

"Maybe you should learn to keep a distance?" I say looking in the golden eyes. He is expressionless. Perfect. Same here. We are just staring coldly at each other.

"Are you having good time?" He asks.

He must be joking! Are we going to have a small talk now?

"Sure."

"I can see you enjoy all those people wooing you." His voice is cold as steal and, I just can't help it, it stabs me right in the heart. But I need to suppress my emotions.

"So, do you find me alluring?" I ask showing him annoyed expression.

"No, I find you underclothed."

"No one minds except you." I want to ask am I reminding him what he can't have, but that would reveal too much of my feelings.

Yuki's POV

He has never talked to me like that. He's different. I can see it clearly now. He's himself, but he's not… I want to take of my jacket and cover him. I can't stand all these people looking at him like that! I know I can't. I already said too much.

Why did he come back?

I never tried to find him. I was sure that was exactly little drama queen wanted. He wanted me to find him and make him come back. Maybe even beg him to forgive me or say that I loved him. Who did he think he was! I know I could make him come back and be my obedient playmate.

But wasn't that what I always wanted? To get rid of the noisy brat.

I decided that it was for good. But now when he's standing in front of me…when he was in my apartment… Glaring at me… Those violet eyes… There came that remark about his clothes… I hope it doesn't make me look too jealous…Shit!

"You are pathetic." I turn around and walk away.

I can have you Shuichi. Every time, every place and every way I want. But I don't want.

TBC


	9. PAIN

Disclaimer: I don't own Gravitation and I just borrow characters to write a fan fiction story with noncommercial intentions. And I hope I don't offend anyone.

A/N: _italics _– for song lyrics

PAIN

Tohma's POV

Why is Eiri talking to him…No, Eiri, don't… Eiri says something and walks away. I see brat didn't like it from expression on his face.

If I could find him when he ran away, I would drag him back by all the means. Eiri was devastated because of that little selfish excuse for a human. How did he dear! I didn't expect that. Not from him.

But then Eiri calmed down. He was fine. He even said that this is for good and started seeing other people. I think he was over Shuichi. And now he's back. And…the things he said…I wouldn't believe he is Shindou Shuichi, if I didn't see him.

It seems Eiri was cold to him. Sure he was…but I don't want to think what was that really about.

I can't let him hurt Eiri again…

Shuichi's POV

How you dear! You! You… I…can't breathe… I need to calm down. Breath, breath, breath…I feel like slapped in the face…he talked to me like I was some cheap slut. I need to get out or I will do something I will regret later. I grab a waiter and ask him to show were the back door is. I assume I look kind of scary right now, because he looks scared.

"Show me the fucking back door!" I growl. And imbecile starts moving. I feel relief when I am out in the fresh night air. Why! Why can he do this to me? I thought I was stronger than this… I even had Tohma! Why! I hate him! I hate! Hate! Hate!

Ryuichi's POV

I see Shuichi pushing funny looking waiter somewhere. I haven't talked to him tonight! That's not fair! So I follow them out of the ballroom in the hall. Then I bump into waiter (clumsy me!) and he's alone and I ask where is Shu. He says that he went out through the back door and point's direction.

I walk to the door and…

"Shuichi! What are you doing?" I cry out. He's punching stone wall as it was a boxing bag with bare hands!

"Stop it! Stop!" I lock his hands on his sides with my own.

We need to go to hospital.

My heart is breaking when I watch Shuichi. He's lying on the seat opposite me in my limo with his hands bandaged and his eyes are so empty that I get feeling he's staring right in the nothingness. I am really concerned and Kumagoru too, but we don't know what to do.

When car stops in the front of house Shu climbs out and walks in not saying a word. I follow. There is a tall blonde with mobile phone. He is cute and has nice green eyes. But he looks totally stressed out.

He asks Shu were was he and says that he's been calling hospitals and police departments and then he notices bandaged hands and gets even more worried. Shuichi answers that he's fine.

"Thank you Ryu." He says and disappears in the door which could be his bedroom door I think. Maybe I could leave Kumagoru here to look after him?

Then American notices me. He says he's sorry for being rude, but he's just worried. He says his name is Aaron Fleming and he already knows who I am. I smile and shake his hand. This is great! If we are lucky I and Kumagoru will have a new friend! He asks what happened. And I tell him. He asks me if I could give me a ride and ads that we could talk in the car.

I say I am not sure, maybe we should stay and watch Shu, but he sighs and tells, that our friend is usually very peaceful after his tantrums, but he probably will not like to see anyone in the morning. Tantrums? Shuichi is having tantrums… We really need to talk.

Shuichi's POV

Cell phone wakes me up.

"Shuichi." I answer.

"How are you?"

"Warm and breathing."

"Ok, then, I guess. I just wanted to warn you. Media find out about you visiting hospital last night. And that's not all. Tabloids are gossiping about our relationship. Usual crap, you know. They are calling me all the time, of course I denied everything, but who cares."

"Morons! I am sorry, you can go back to States if you…"

"No, no…I'll be fine. I already expected that. Besides it's kind of complementary. But you will have to go to some TV-shows. And don't say anything! Only two or three interviews!"

"Fine." I drop the phone.

Yuki…Yuki…Yuki…I am tapping my keyboard with one finger. I can't play, because my hands are bandaged. I can't go biking. I can't go for a walk, because I am afraid I will meet Yuki accidentally and…

I hear myself shouting his name. Yuuuukiiiii! I hear my own voice in my head. My voice as it sounded back then. Yukiiiiii! La li ho! I'm home! Where are you, Yukiiiii! I think I'm going crazy…

I was fine. Really. But all it takes is to see Yuki Eiri a once and I…pathetic, he said. He's right. He makes me feel like that lovesick, loud, whining baka again…I don't want to. I want my pride, my self esteem. I am so afraid. I am afraid I will crawl on my knees and beg him to take me back. I love him, but I hate him for what he does to me. How is it possible? Is this a cruel joke? How can human being be so stupid? I think no one really knows were love comes from…

The night I run away I was acting like halfway domesticated animal who gets free from his leash for the accidentally and doesn't know what to do, run away or to his master. I ran, because my instinct of self-preservation told me to and I run fast, because I was afraid that I will change my mind and return to my master.

I can't explain how I suddenly developed self esteem. Maybe I had it all the time; I just hushed that small voice in my head, saying that I am being a door mat in this relationship, because I was in love. I hoped I can change Yuki. But I couldn't. What right did I have to change him?

I just couldn't take his treatment anymore. I don't know if he knew it. Maybe he thought I've used to it. But that wasn't true. It always DID hurt. I just didn't show it. I hoped that one day he will love me if I will be nice and patient, and loving.

Sometimes I thought he did. But I couldn't be sure, never. How can anyone be so cruel to someone he loves? I tried to tell, show Yuki that he hurts me. But what more could I do? Ask him to love me? Stand on my knees and beg: Love me Yuki! Please, love me! Yukiii!

He would laugh in my face and call me baka. Yes. At first I was just a little bit out of it. Now I understand why I left him. But still – I love him. I love him, but I can't let him destroy me.

I pick up the phone.

"Aaron, I want to ask you something. But I think you should say, no."

Maybe I understand why Aaron is looking after me, because he thinks I am vulnerable, fragile and something like that. Maybe I am.

He is that kind of person who is into saving lost puppies. Even if only because they are cute and pitiful. That's not very sane. But can I blame him for being out of it?

_Find me, save me, _

_Warm me_

_Take me home_

_Hug me, burry me_

_As dead puppies don't play_

TBC


	10. TRUTH AND DARE

Disclaimer: I don't own Gravitation and I just borrow characters to write a fan fiction story with noncommercial intentions. And I hope I don't offend anyone.

TRUTH AND DARE

_Tokyo showbiz TV studio_

Shuichi's POV

I will hear from my manager after this… Oh, well…

I sit down on the red velvet sofa and the host starts questioning me. She is not dumb. She starts with career, last movie, new movie, damned famous death scene. Then she leaves safe waters and asks me how I feel back in Tokyo and then asks why did I left Japan so suddenly.

"I wanted some changes in my life, to try something new…"

This is usual reply.

But honesty is a virtue, right?

"I know that's not what you wanted to ask me Ayame. Go ahead!"

She is stunned at first, bur she's professional.

"Ehe, so, Suichi, everyone knows about your relationship with famous novelist Yuki Eiri…"

"Yes, I think none of us ever denied that."

That moment studio goes deadly silent. I can hear heart beats. I give her encouraging smile. Go for it, lady!

"Can I ask you what the cause of sudden break up was?"

That wasn't so hard, right?

"I dumped him."

She is so stunned; she doesn't believe it's really happening. I just give her 'Ok, ok, you can ask the next question' look.

"Why…"

"Why? Well, maybe he's cold hearted bastard, maybe he is boring, maybe he snores or maybe he just isn't good in the bed. Pick the one you like best. Interview is over." I stand up and walk out of still deadly silent studio. I am sure poor journalist is not in the condition to ask any questions anymore.

I think Yuki will not want to see me anymore after what I just did.

"You…you could warn me…" Aaron stutters.

TBC

* * *

This was short, but there is actually nothing more to say. So, what do you think? 

**To my reviewers: **

Thank you very much for all the support it's very useful and helps writing!

**Angel408** and **Towa**-chan: thanks you are my first reviewers here

**pikapikaryuchan:** Shu is smoking pout, because he needs to relax or he can't sleep. And I thin it is not unusual if someone starts using some kind of drugs working in show business or in modeling.

**DemonicDragon666:** I am happy to make you happy

**Little Fox Kit:** Thank you very much! Your reviews are helpful. Well, English is my second language and my beta is still working on these. But I hope it is not unreadable, so... It is actually one and a half year after Shu ran away, if someone in my story says year, it's just because people usually don't talk in detail. Thank you – it was FATE, I don't know, was I blind writing other word or what...it is mystery...Well Yuki and Tohma will be humiliated more in later chapters. I am not going to destroy Tohma completely or something, because I don't believe in evil villains. He is just a control freak who does things, because he thinks it will make everything better (annoying other people), but it doesn't make everything better, because he is only human and doesn't know everything. And he can be a jerk, yes.

**rebelyell59** and **DarkMetalAngel of Destruction: **Yuki will be humiliated and he will beg. But later.

**Kia: **Thanks, that means a lot!**  
**


	11. NO REGRETS?

Disclaimer: I don't own Gravitation and I just borrow characters to write a fan fiction story with noncommercial intentions. And I hope I don't offend anyone.

A/N: _italics _– for song lyrics

NO REGRETS?

Tohmas POV

I am standing at the Eiri's door and I hesitate to knock. I am Seguchi Tohma. I can make people famous. I can bring people up in the limelight. I can push them down in the limbo. My smile can make them cry. I have influence and power.

But now I am standing here and I can't summon my courage to knock on the door. Of course it's Eiri's door. Neither my power nor influence will help me there. Eiri is my greatest weakness.

I know what I have to do. But I hesitate, because I don't think my visit will have any results. He never listens, never agrees. Why it will be different this time? Probably it won't be. But I am still going to try.

KNOCK! KNOCK!

Of course he makes me wait…

And greets me with: "What do you want, Tohma."

I just want you to be happy… Is it too much to ask for? Of course I don't say it aloud.

I say that I brought him dinner. And ask about his work and condition. He's obviously irritated, but he still answers my questions maybe because he knows he will get Mika here in a couple of hours if I will come home concerned. He sits down on the couch, grabs remote, turns on TV and starts switching channels.

I try to talk about the book he just wrote and that I know he can take vacation now if he wants, so I thought that...

"No, Tohma."

"But Eiri…"

"No, means…"

We both stare at the screen were Shindou Shuichi is giving an interview at Saturday Night's show. They are talking about regular topics. Then Ayame asks him why did he left Tokyo so suddenly, sure he can make up with a harmless answer…but he…what…no…he's…

Shuichi's POV

I get out of studio, turn off my cell phone and take my Suzuki.

I know what I did. Am I sorry? I don't know. I don't feel anything, but emptiness. I feel numb and frozen inside.

I come back in the morning, take of my clothes and fall on the bed.

I wake up in the afternoon, take a shower and walk to the kitchen. I eat some salad; I guess Aaron has been by. I walk to my studio and turn on the phone.

I don't have to wait for long.

My parents think that it was 'inappropriate'.

Ryuichi asks if everything's Ok.

Hiro says 'that bastard deserves it', but he's concerned about me.

Darien (my manager) congratulates me for reaching publicity high. That was strange, but effective and I am genius.

Aaron would like to come by. Not now.

I would like to know how Tohma got my number. I hung up as soon as I hear his voice.

Then I go back to my bedroom and crawl in my bed. I pull cover over my head and…and nothing. I just want lie here like this.

_You wanted my body_

_Not my sole_

_But you could have me_

_Only whole_

I stay at home for three days and don't open my door to anyone. I write music. No one will ever hear these songs, but I keep writing lyrics and melodies.

Then Aaron forces me to do a couple of interviews and I have a photo session for some fashion magazine. Media is after me, but I don't say anything about what I did, but that doesn't stop them from gossiping.

Aaron is always with me. We let paparazzi catch us holding hands and hugging. Well, Aaron agreed to do what I asked him. He said that was the first time I really asked him something. So no we are pretending that he's my boyfriend. I feel guilty, because I am ruining his personal life, but he seems to be happy, because he can help me at last.

I met my friends and we were talking about everything except what happened on Saturday night show. I see concern in their faces and that kills me. I am fine, really. I even try to smile and be a little bit jumpy like in the old times, but I feel they can se through my crappy happy mask and I can't do anything about it. Maybe I just have paranoia.

Surprisingly I don't hear anything from Yuki or Tohma. Of course I am very careful. But what could Yuki say? I slapped him in the face when all Japan was watching. So only thing he can say is usual 'no comment'. But he's not actually talking to media. I believe there is nothing much Tohma can do to make them shut up – it was too public. But I am helping him in a way, scandals help selling books.

My manager, director and other staring actors are arriving on Friday and there will be a 'welcome to Japan' party. And there is no way I can skip. I am wondering if Tohma has an invitation. Well…I am sure he has if he wants. I think I mast be ready for everything.

TBC

* * *

A/N: Thank you all my reviewers! I really enjoy getting some feed back and your opinion about story helps writing :) I think one of you decided that previous chapter was 'the end'. No way! This is far from it ;) So - stay tuned! 


	12. SWEET TORTURE

* * *

Disclaimer: I don't own Gravitation and I just borrow characters to write a fan fiction story with noncommercial intentions. And I hope I don't offend anyone. 

SWEET TORTURE

Shuichi's POV

Party is held at some lofty style Hotel. I walk in the crowded ball room. I am spotted immediately. Darien hugs me and says that I am as 'charming' as always when I give him a cold glare. Oh, no, I sigh, there comes my director Nicholas Jordan. He flings his arms around my neck and manages to smooch me on both cheeks before I push him off me. He starts babbling about how nice it is to se me again and how he missed his little Ice Prince. He's so…intimidating sometimes…usually. Ten he leans closer and whispers on my ear that we need to talk later…

Then I am introduced to other actors and to 'important people'. My only support here is Aaron and martini. I like martini – it tastes like candy.

I still haven't seen my friends yet. But nor my enemies. Darien and Nicholas are busy talking to some Japanese producer about…who cares…so they are not looking at me right now…I know it's childish, but I slip away.

I sneak out of the ballroom and sigh. I think I could walk around a little bit and take a look at the hotel. It won't do any harm, right?

Suddenly someone grabs my arm from behind and pulls me backwards through some door. When attacker lets me go I am standing face to face with Yuki in the empty banquet hall.

I am motionless. All I can is just stand there and stare in golden eyes. I can't even call it fear. It's like eternal torturing waiting. Yuki is just staring with no expression on his beautiful face. I want him to do something! Hit me! Yell at me! Whatever. Just stop staring.

SLAP!

I lift my hand to my cheek. Yuki did it, he slapped me.

I hold my hand on the hot, bruised skin and look down.

"Look in my eyes!" He orders.

I keep looking other direction; I know my eyes are filled with tears. I can't let Yuki see it. Dear God! I haven't cried for a year! Why now?

Then suddenly he firmly wraps his hand around my waist and pulls me close to his body. He cups my chin with his other hand and I feel his lips on my. I try to get free, but he's stronger. I feel his lips pressed to my and wave of heat goes through my body. He harasses my mouth fiercely biting my lips. I am trying to resist his persistent tongue. Yuki tightens his grip around my waist and I can't help myself – I make a small gasp and open my mouth. He takes the opportunity and attacks my tongue with his. Yuki's tongue harasses mine. His kiss is fierce and hungry, I feel shivers through my whole body and I have no will to fight anymore…

He pushes me away. He turns his back on me. He walks away, leaving me alone in empty hall.

I fall on my knees and lie down on the floor in fetal position hugging my shoulders. Why? Why did he do that? Doe he still loves me…wants me…hates me… Yuki…why can't you love me? Why don't you love me? Please…Please.

Kiss which is more painful than a slap in the face. Does he realize how severe his punishment was? Why did he do that? Why is he so cruel?

Reminding me what I can't have.

I can't stay here anymore, I need to go.

Aaron's POV

There were a lot of people and at first I didn't notice that Shuichi is missing. Then I started looking for him. I checked the ballroom and ask his friends who had finally arrived. But no one has seen him. So now I am trying to call him. But obviously he has turned it off. I am getting kind of worried. Ryuichi approaches me and asks why I look so nervous. So I tell him that I don't know where Shuichi is and he disappeared so suddenly, so…

Ryuichi suddenly looks very concerned and says that we should better find Shu. I frown; I feel there is something he's not saying. But I leave it be for now.

At first we ask hotel personal, but they can't help us. So we decide to go to Shuichi's house.

When we arrive we see that lights are on. So we walk in. Oh, that's definitely not good. His couch…it is completely ruined. It's cut in the pieces. I call Shuichi's name and we look in his bedroom and studio, but he's just not here. My hands are shaking. I just don't know where to look, I mean, I don't know Tokyo and I just can't…if something bad has happened!

Then Ryuichi says that Kumagoru has his suspicions. How can he play with stuffed rabbit when Shuichi is missing!

"What suspicions!" I call out.

He grabs my hand and drags me to the limo. And then he says that Kumagoru noticed someone at the hotel, someone was leaving when they arrived. So we need to visit that someone, because even if Shuichi is not at his house, he probably has something to do with it. I clench my fists. If that man hurt Shu he will pay for it dearly.

Tohma's POV

I am sitting on the couch at Eiri's apartment. He wanted to talk to me. That's something very unusual. He never asks me to come. I can imagine only one topic or rather person he could talk about. I still hope that he's agreed to go to vacation, but unlikely. I know Eiri, sometimes maybe better than he knows himself. And I don't like what he's doing.

Eiri sits down on the other side of couch and lights a cigarette. He looks at me thoughtfully.

"I know that you are up to something, Tohma. Don't do anything."

Why is he asking me that?

"Eiri, I don't understand what you are talking about."

"Yes, you do. And I don't want to repeat. It's not your business, leave him alone."

Oh, Eiri… I… I just can't stand this anymore!

"Eiri, you are the one who shouldn't do what I think you are going to do. He's not good for you anymore. Have you seen him? Have you already forgotten what he did? Don't you see? He's different. He'll destroy you!"

"Oh, really? He kind of tastes the same. Maybe even better."

I have nothing to say. I just stare at the floor. It's Eiri - sometimes he's incredibly outright. And usually about something disturbing. Or painful to other people. I wish he could express good emotions like that.

My thoughts are disturbed. Somone's banging on the door. Eiri stands up.

"Is Shuichi here!"

I's Ryuichi and blond American guy. Shuichi's assistant or rather lover.

"Why the hell do you think he could be here?" Eiri yells.

"Kumagoru saw you at the hotel."

"And?"

"We need to know what happened."

Ryuichi looks worried.

"You still own me brat."

"Listen Yuki, if its about that, you can hit me right now, but we need to know what happened. Did you have a fight?"

"Why should I tell you anything?"

"What did you do to him you…you…" Aaron clenches his fists.

I can't stand this madness anymore.

"Ryuichi, tell us what happened? Why are you here?"

"Ruychi and Kumagoru still don't speak to Tohma, but this is emergency so…Shuichi is missing!"

"How he's missing?" Eiri asks angrily.

"You bastard probably hurt him somehow and then he…We know he was really…well he wasn't very well when he was leaving…And now he's missing and maybe something bad has already happened."

That guy really cares about Shindou…

But this is ridiculous.

"Maybe he just went for a walk?"

"I know him better. He didn't!"

I see that Eiri's face looses some color.

"You are not taking care of your boyfriend," Eiri hisses.

"If you don't want to help us because you're jealous at Aaron, then, he's not Shu's boyfriend." Ryuichi snaps back.

Yes, really good timing.

"Why would I care about that! And I am sure he will come back."

"Mr. Yuki," American speaks. "I know him better now and I am more than concerned."

Eiri frowns. He grabs his jacket.

"I'll call you if I'll find him."

And he's gone.

I knew, that brat will bring us only trouble and pain when I first found out about him and Yuki. Why didn't I stop it when it was possible? Or was it?

Yuki's POV

He's not there. He always came to the park if something happened. But this time he's really not there.

I shouldn't kiss Shu like that. It wasn't right. I forced him. Of course he finally gave in. But that wasn't right. I hurt him. I feel like fucking rapist! That sounds dumb, but I really feel guilty. Oh, he would like to hear this…. Why does he have to be such a drama Queen… Maybe he's just… but that Aaron was deadly serious about this. I still don't like that guy.

Where are you Shu…Ghrr! I'll kill him when he comes back.

TBC

* * *

A/N: So, did you like it? I hope you did! See you soon :) 


	13. NEW FRIENDS

Disclaimer: I don't own Gravitation and I just borrow characters to write a fan fiction story with noncommercial intentions. And I hope I don't offend anyone.

A/N – _italics – _song lyrics

NEW FRIENDS

Shuichi's POV

_Every time we lie awake  
After every hit we take  
Every feeling that I get  
But I haven't missed you yet_

Only when I stop to think about it

I hate everything about you  
Why do I love you  
I hate everything about you  
Why do I love you (1)

I finish the song and leave house. I can't stay there alone. And I don't want to see my friends. I don't want to see concern and pity in their eyes.

I walk down the street when I see illuminated sign and walk in the pub. I sit down at the bar. Barman asks me if I am legal and I have to show him documents. Then I get my martini. Mind blurring liquid candy.

"Hi, baby!"

He sits down besides me. Man has long chestnut hair, unusual green eyes and charming smile. He's cute.

"Hi," I answer.

He keeps smiling and asks what I am up to. Nothing much of course, I just needed to get out. He says, he understands that, but drinking doesn't help much.

"So what are you doing here?" I ask.

He smiles sadly and says that he is caught in the act. I smile back and tell him about mind blurring liquid candy and he laughs about strange term.

Solo, it's his name or nickname, says that I am quite a candy myself. That makes me blush. We drink and talk about a lot about unimportant things. I feel so easy and normal around him. And his smile is breathtaking. So I just give it way. Or maybe it's martini…

Suddenly he grows silent. He looks in my eyes, lifts his hand and touches my face. He says I could stay with him tonight. I nod.

No one has touched me like this for long time. I sit on my knees on his bed. He stands in front of me looking in my eyes. His smile is calming and soothing. Solo smoothes back my hair and kisses my forehead. He leans down. I feel his lips like soft petals caressing my neck. "You are gorgeous, baby," he whispers on my ear, climbs on the bed, wraps his arms around my waist still kissing my neck. I feel his hand under my shirt, his fingers sliding up and down my back. Finally he claims my mouth softly nipping my upper lip. I can't stand it anymore – I press my mouth to his and push my tongue in his mouth. He takes his hands of my back and starts unbuttoning my shirt. Then I help him with his tank top still kissing him passionately.

He pushes me down on the bed, leans down above me and puts his hand on the zipper of my pants. He breaks our kiss and looks in my eyes; I give him small smile as sign of agreement and trust.

TBC

(1) I am using Three Days Grace Lyrics: Song - (I Hate) Everything About You. It's great song.


	14. RETURN

Disclaimer: I don't own Gravitation and I just borrow characters to write a fan fiction story with noncommercial intentions. And I hope I don't offend anyone.

RETURN

Shuichi's POV 

I wake up cuddled up to warm, soft body.

"Hey, good morning baby," Solo says.

"Hey," I answer.

Then he kisses me tenderly and tells me to take a shower, because he is going to fix us some breakfast.

I walk in the kitchen and he gives me a plate with scrambled eggs and some other food. He pours some coffee in large mug.

We eat in silence. Solo's smile seems to be a little bit sad…

"Solo…," I start. What could I possibly tell him? – That it's not because of him, but because of me. That's dull.

"Solo, I can't…maybe I shouldn't, because I knew, that…I can't stay with you…"

But he just smiles sadly.

"It's not your fault, baby. I knew it. I kind of guessed. I saw it in your eyes. Maybe if not in your eyes then in your glass."

"Of course I hoped, that I was wrong, but I knew what I was doing, so don't feel guilty. Eat your breakfast, you're too thin! And you know were you can find me, right?"

As I walk home I have only one thing on my mind. Why couldn't I love someone like him?

Yuki's POV 

I am calling Tatsuha. I wouldn't do that from free will of course. He's annoying as hell! But this time I really need him.

"Speak up, brother!"

"If Ryu will find this out he won't speak to me!"

"Is that necessary? You should be happy for opportunity to shut up that retarded brat. Besides if father finds out what actually you study here and who your favorite teacher is I am sure you will not see your boy toy for long time. Or you won't see father's money. Choose!

"Don't call Ryu names! Ok…"

"I knew you weren't THAT stupid. So, what is the address?"

"Ryu will kill me for this…"

Ryuichi called me today. He said that Shu is at home now and he's fine. Of course he wasn't planning to tell me address.

Shuichi's POV 

I walk trough the door and I see is Aaron and Ryuichi sitting on my ripped up sofa. As I walk in Aaron stands up and asks where I have been, he's very angry,

"I was just out."

"Out? Do you realize that we are worried sick here? I didn't know were you were and what were you doing!"

Well, that's too much.

"I have one night off and you making drama out of it. Can't I just go for a long walk? I know what you are thinking! You think that one nice day I will slit my wrists or jump off the bridge! That's why you can't leave me be!"

"Ok, yes, I admit! I am concerned about you and your behavior. Don't even dare to tell me that there is no reason! Just sometimes when I look at you…Some things you do are just… What should I think?"

I sigh. He's right. I am doing things I shouldn't do since I am back in Tokyo. I am emotional wreck, weak and pathetic.

"I am sorry Aaron. But don't worry about me. I promise I'll take better care of myself."

I can't ruin my new self, my new personality and self esteem just because I am back.

He sighs.

Soon my new couch is delivered and old one (reminder of my weakness) is taken away.

I am working in my studio; I need to learn my part, because filming starts tomorrow. Door bell rings. Who is that again? Am I a toddler who can't take care of himself?

I open the door. Yuki. Fine. I can deal with this.

"Who gave you my address?"

Yuki's POV 

"Is this how you greet people?"

"Depends on who it is," Shuichi tells me with a frozen look.

I simply walk in not waiting an invitation. I see he's a bit edgy today.

"Were did you spent this night?"

He makes surprised expression.

"Do you really think you have any right to ask me this?"

"If your friends are coming and whining about that, then I have right."

"I am not responsible for everything my friends do."

What the…he's being really bitchy. Where is genki baka I used to know?

"I am asking only what are you doing?"

Actually I wanted to say, that…I… I…well…I feel bad for kissing him like I did it. It's not that I am really that much sorry…

He looks at me with annoyance.

"Does it matter? If it's so important, I was out, and I was having really good time. And I don't need anyone babysitting me, especially you. What do you actually want from me?"

"I still have some of your stuff in my apartment."

"Keep it for your trophy room. Or do whatever you want. It's not really mine anyway…"

He looks distant and sad for the moment and turns his face away. And that moment I notice…Shuichi has red mark on his neck! How dare you! We worry that he's dead or kidnapped or…but he comes back with a hickey on his neck! I see what kind of good time he had! If I knew who did it, I…Damn you, Shu!

I need to go, before I do or say something I will regret…

I don't say anything, just leave the room.

Shuici's POV 

I won't let you get me, Yuki. And that was a lame excuse…

TBC


	15. FEELINGS

Disclaimer: I don't own Gravitation and I just borrow characters to write a fan fiction story with noncommercial intentions. And I hope I don't offend anyone.

FEELINGS

Yuki's POV 

I leave. I just walk out. I don't want to stay, because I would do something or say something.

Shu had…I can't say it…sex… Shu spent a night with someone. I am sure it was a guy. If I only knew, who was it! I would make that bastard bleed! I would kick the life out of him for touching Shu, for kissing him, holding him… Oh, God, I hate him! Maybe he just kissed Shu. Maybe he just hurt himself, he's so clumsy…

I am angry with Shu! How could he! With how many people have he been after he left me? I was trying not to think about it at first. It wasn't easy, but I didn't know were he is so… But then I saw his picture in a magazine and I found out that he was in New York. There is some irony in that. There are thousands of cities on the world and he chose New York.

I couldn't ignore his existence after that. It's not like I could ignore it before, like I wasn't thinking about him every day, but… I even hired a company which does media clippings. So every time when something was published or on news I got it. They sent me packages of media clippings every week.

I studied them through and through trying to find something indicating that he was with someone else. I hoped that that could help me get him out of my mind. Then I tried to find any signs indicating that there was just gossip and assumptions. There were some hints about him and that Aaron guy, then again about Aaron together with some woman. That gave me hope.

Then there were hints about him and his director. It was suspicious, that Nicholas Jordan gave the leading part to inexperienced actor for nothing. But that guy isn't even good looking, so I doubt it. And Shu would never sleep with someone to get something.

Then there were publications discussing the fact that no one had been able to win the famous model's heart. That made me smile. I was obsessed. I have my spare bedroom stuffed with his pictures and articles. I even put them on the walls. No one could imagine how many times I have watched his damned movie! I am pathetic.

I tried to forget him as hard as I could. I was sleeping around with women, men. Nothing. I felt nothing. It didn't help much. Even if the sex was good it just wasn't it. Once, I tried to destroy my Shu's Sanctuary. But I couldn't tear even a single picture.

I tried to tell myself that this was better for us both. That we weren't meant to be together. I thought I had convinced myself.

But that night in the park… I used to walk to that park were we first met once in a while. Maybe I enjoy torturing myself… So I walked to park that night and… when I saw him sleeping on that bench…

At first I thought that it's just my imagination playing with me… But then I dared to come closer. I touched him and found out, that it was for real. He was real, lying on the bench in front of me. My heart was bumping against my chest like mad. I was just standing there and watching him as if he was a wonder.

Was it a wonder that brought him there? Then I came to my senses and I tried to wake him, but I couldn't. I was so scared that moment, I checked his pulse and he was alive, just sleeping. I lifted him up. I took him in my arms. I was so thrilled to hold him in my arms again.

I put him on the couch. The same couch. I had seen him sleeping there many times before. I wanted wake him up with a kiss, but I didn't dare. He was so fragile and ethereal; I didn't dare to touch him. I was sitting there, smoking and fighting my incoherent thoughts.

Then he opened his wide soulful eyes and he was staring at me as if I was going to eat him. My heart fell apart, when those eyes turned cold and angry. But also scared. When I touched him, when I touched his hair, he was so scared. Was he thinking, that I would ravish him right here and now…

I couldn't sleep that night. I was tossing in my bed, thinking. Should I try to make him stay? I wanted to talk to him, but next morning he was gone. Maybe I should leave him alone… respect his choice…

And then at the party… I was lying to myself. I convinced myself, that I was going there only to… What? Have fun, meet people. Who was I fooling? I hate parties! And then I offended him. Again. I don't know why I did that… Maybe to reject him… Or by habit… Am I rejecting people by habit even if I don't want to?

And when I saw that TV show. I was so shocked. Why? Why did he do that? Then I was angry, I was hurt… Tohma gave me a hint that he could try to do something about that. I told him to mind his own business. I forced him to give me an invitation to that party. I was angry when I saw him there. Then I grabbed him. I slapped him. He deserved that.

But then I looked at him, he was so petite and full of misery and irresistible when I lift his chin and looked in his wet eyes… I can't describe the feelings I had that moment. Then I realized what I was doing. I needed to get out of there. I was happy, guilty, scared…

I just can't resist him. I just can't ignore him… What should I do? Why do I feel like that…

Who am I fooling? I want him more than ever! I lo… I want him back.

TBC


	16. BLACKMAIL

Disclaimer: I don't own Gravitation and I just borrow characters to write a fan fiction story with noncommercial intentions. And I hope I don't offend anyone.

BLACKMAIL

Shuichi's POV 

Filming starts today. That's good. Acting is something I can do. And I will have less time to think about things I shouldn't be thinking about. I can just pretend that I am someone else, someone who laughs, dreams, enjoys. Someone who is sad, angry, heartbroken, but not because of… his mother died or his girlfriend cheated on him or whatever.

I forget everything, when I am acting. Those are happiest moments of my life now.

Nicholas says I am such a good actor, because I can put myself in somebody's shoes completely. I know it's because I really want it. I am happy for those moments out of time and space, being somebody else.

Aaron told me that Ryuichi told Yuki about our fake relationship. So we don't need to continue that. I wasn't doing this for media or whoever… This was only to keep HIM away from me.

Was I wrong? I publicly humiliated him. I get myself a boyfriend. But he still wants to see me. Is this some kind of cat and mouse game? Is he toying with me? Revenge? Whatever. I am not going to lose. I am not going to lose myself.

I'm on the break. Acting can be quite exhausting.

I get home really late. I push my bike in the garage. I walk to the door and there is someone in the dark, waiting at my door.

"Long day?" Tohma asks.

He's smiling.

"Come in Tohma!"

I am not going to run and hide.

"Do you want something? Coffee, tea?"

I am nice. I am too tired to think out a nasty comment.

He says he just wanted to discuss something. No doubt I know exactly what it is. I am tired. This was my first day at work. Could they leave me alone just once? No.

I tell him that I am not in the mood.

"Say what you want short and sweet, or leave. No games."

He smiles.

"Fine. No games. Leave Eiri alone or there will be unpleasant consequences."

I start to laugh. That was open threat. I didn't dare to hope that a day like this would ever come. Tohma Seguchi openly threatened me! He must be desperate.

"I am not afraid of you."

He smiles.

"I know. I am not speaking about you."

I stop laughing. I look at him. He threatened my friends. I just realized that I still care for my friends more than for myself. I know he can harm them. I don't know how far he's ready to go if he thinks he's doing something for Yuki. How obsessed is he? Obsessed with Yuki? His responsibility? Guilt? But…

"Tohma you underestimate me. This could have worked a year ago, but I've grown up. Do you really think you can scare me with this? Try something and Yuki will find out about it."

He keeps smiling.

"Do you really think that he still cares about you or those related to you?"

I sigh.

"Considering, that he came here yesterday with some lame excuse? Oh, I don't know…But it's not about that. I am sure you know Eiri. He will get really angry, if he will find out that you are doing something like that behind his back."

He doesn't answer.

"Tohma you are wrong. You are wrong if you think that I want to get back Yuki. On the contrary. But if you will hurt my friends, I will hurt you and guess how."

Even if I will hurt myself…

Oh, Tohma, I would be happy if you could make Yuki leave me alone…

I'm such a hypocrite. Or just messed up. I don't want Yuki. I don't want to see him, don't want to talk to him. I don't want him to kiss me. Because I still want him.

Was it really just a lame excuse to see me…

TBC


	17. CURSED

Disclaimer: I don't own Gravitation and I just borrow characters to write a fan fiction story with noncommercial intentions. And I hope I don't offend anyone.

CURSED

Shuichi's POV

I could have a good week. Really good one. I just work and no one bothers me. But I don't.

Since I met Yuki, I am having those dreadful night mares every night. I wake up in the middle of night screaming hot, sweaty and trembling. I can't go back to sleep anymore without any 'medicine'. Yeah, Tokyo is turning me into junkie.

I am afraid to go to sleep. But I need it or I can't work. Every night I hope that I won't be dreaming this time. I had those dreams before, but not every night. So I hope that it will stop finally. This night. But, no.

I should leave. Leave Tokyo. But I can't.

I can't tell Aaron. I don't think he can help me anyway.

I am thinking about Yuki all the time when I don't work. Sometimes even when I work. I try not to. But I think the harder I try, the worse it gets.

It's Friday already. They gave me two days off. I didn't ask for that. So now I have two days to be alone with my thoughts. I tried to convince my manager to get me some modeling job. Anything. He insisted that I need some rest, because I looked tired.

I said that it has nothing to do with work, but he just told me to go home and get some sleep. He doesn't understand. He thinks I am workaholic and I will burn out if no one stops me. And he is saving me. I can't explain him.

Being alone with myself is killing me. I start hating my house. I decide to go biking. Speed is good. It calms me down. My contract forbids this. Too dangerous. I could crash and die and there would be no movie. Fuck them!

Yuki's POV

I start my car and back out of the driveway. I look in the rearview mirror and I can't believe my luck. It's the same motorcyclist. I'll make you cry, bastard! There are no other cars on the street. I hope he's good with bike for his own sake…

Shuichi's POV

Black foreign car backs out of the driveway. It's Yuki's hose. What the fuck is he doing! Shit! I hit the brakes and almost crush as I stop abruptly in the front of his car. Maniac! He has turned his car athwart the street in front of my bike! I jump of the bike gasping for air.

Yuki climbs out and approaches me.

"Here wee meet again."

He says and clenches his hand around my neck. He pins me backwards against his car and his other had reaches for my helmet. I try to stop him, but my hands are still shaking from shock and he tightens his grip on my neck.

"Oh, no, I am not letting you go this time."

He takes of my helmet and his eyes meet mine.

"You…"

This is worth something. His deadly dangerous expression turns into startled. He lets me go and the helmet falls on the ground with a bang. I take a deep breath.

"Yes, me…Are you out of your mind? You almost killed me!"

Now he looks almost…scared?

"Didn't know it was you… Who let YOU have a bike?"

"I. Myself. I am of age. Remember?"

"It's not about age, you, baka! Do you have a death wish? You are driving like crazy!"

Do I have a death wish…

"And you are the one who says that? It's not your business anyway!"

"No, it is. And we need to talk."

He is not angry anymore, but kind of serious and nervous?

"We have nothing to talk about!" I snap.

Then loud hooting reminds us that we are blocking the street.

Saved by the bell.

"Shit!" Yuki swears.

"We will talk!" He shouts and gets back in the car.

I get back on my bike and try to get as far from him as possible. He doesn't follow me. Why does he want to talk? Why do I keep running into him? Am I cursed?

TBC


	18. SECRETS

Disclaimer: I don't own Gravitation and I just borrow characters to write a fan fiction story with noncommercial intentions. And I hope I don't offend anyone.

SECRETS

Yuki's POV

Mika and Tohma are calling or coming almost every day. I think, they are worried about my health. They must be thinking that my ulcer is worse since Shu is back.

Well, they are damn right.

But I am not going to admit that. Besides they are trying to find out if I have seen Shu constantly. Not openly of course. Are they going to follow me forever? Would they leave me alone if I die? I am not sure. They'll probably follow me down in the hell after I die and keep annoying me.

Now Tohma is in my kitchen. He's wearing that silly pink apron and cooking something I will be forced to eat later to get him out of my house.

I am thinking about Shu. I could go to his house right now and try to talk to him. But what can I say? I am scared. I am a writer… but when it comes to talking to real people I just don't have words. Is it possible that he could come back only because I showed up and asked him to? I am not so sure.

I've seen him. He's really angry. And there is something more… I just can't grasp it yet.

Damn! He's really different. Sometimes he's himself. Silly, emotional, confused, blushing… I can see it when he says something or does something, or looks at me. But then… it's seems there are two different people in him fighting each other and one of them is fighting me.

He is different. It almost seems he's trying to be different on purpose…

I can't stop worrying when I think that he's somewhere out there on that bike. I hope he knows what he's doing. Shu and something that dangerous…he can't handle a knife for God's sake! Ok, I must admit, that I thought he was good before I found out that it was him. I should never do what I did today. I could have hurt him! If only I knew it was him!

My damn temper. I can't live not trying to beat up a guy just for crossing my way!

"What are you thinking about?"

Tohma. Pink apron. That's just…disturbing. I ask him does he really want to know.

He smiles sadly.

"Eiri, I don't want to see you hurt."

"So why are you giving me headache?"

"Eiri, this has gone too far…"

"THIS, is not your business. Don't say you have done something… if you will hurt him any way Tohma …"

He doesn't smile anymore, he's almost angry, considering it's Tohma, he is getting angry.

"Why, Eiri? What do you see in him? You were doing just fine before he came back. How can I not blame him? You had no problems with your work; you even started dating other people! And then he came back and now you are like this. You can't blame me for…I care about you."

Enough. I am fed up with this.

"Other people? You mean whores who fuck me because I am good looking and famous? Work? Work was only thing what kept me sane. I am a fucking workaholic. Do you think you know me? Do you think you know everything about me? Do you thin you know anything about me? Oh, you think you see through me and I can't hide anything from you? No, Tohma. You are wrong. Will you leave me alone if I'll show you the truth? You want to get inside my mind? Ok. Go ahead! Take a tour!"

I am yelling.

"Spare bedroom." I give him a key. I need a cigarette. Maybe I am already regretting this. But he pissed me off!

Tohma comes back. He sits down on the couch. He is very pale. His expression is blank. What's wrong Tohma? You should be happy? You finally got under my skin.

"Eiri… I didn't know…"

Yeah…Tohma Seguchi just admitted that he didn't know something…must be traumatizing.

I walk out.

TBC

* * *

A/N: I hope you remember what kind of collction Eiri keeps in his other bedroom? Shocker for Tohma. ;) 

And thank you vwry much for reviews! They are very important to me! I like to know how I am doing. And I like suggestions and ideas.


	19. MISTAKES

Disclaimer: I don't own Gravitation and I just borrow characters to write a fan fiction story with noncommercial intentions. And I hope I don't offend anyone.

MISTAKE

Shuichi's POV.

I will call Aaron. I can't stay here anymore. I need to get away. Or he will find me. I don't want to talk to him. I don't want to see him. I am running away, hiding, I am a coward. So be it. I can live with that.

I thought I could. I thought I am stronger than that. I thought I could confront Yuki. I was wrong.

I won't let him toy with me. Ahrr.. I sound like a drama queen. Am I overreacting? I am ruining from him like he was poor evil. What does he want from me? What could he do to me?

He could make me come back. Could he? Yes. But he hasn't told me that he wants me back. Has he showed me that? He kissed me… Maybe that didn't mean anything. He just wants to talk. I am stronger now. I can say, no. Just say, no, and to put an end to this once and for all.

No. I am afraid of myself. I am afraid that I won't be able to say 'no'. I was toying with this thought - maybe it could be different this time, if he and I… that's the problem. I am already considering this. I had a reason, when I left Yuki. He was killing me. Isn't that enough?

So I call Aaron and ask him to find me hotel. Incognito. He says he will do it, but he's kind of angry with me. He says, that he can't stand my secrets anymore, he wants to know, what's happening and I will have to tell him everything or he's quitting and going back to New York. He will give me some time, but if I don't talk, he's out of my life. He's serious about it.

"Don't say anything, don't even try. I am not going to step back this time."

He has some point. He has right to know in what kind of game he is involved.

Now I am doing something I shouldn't do. But I could say something like that about my whole life. When I die I will probably have epitaph 'He was doing something he shouldn't do' on my gravestone. So I just sigh, walk in the park and sit down on the bench, hugging my knees, telling myself, that this is the last time. This park has brought me only grief. I put head on knees and close my eyes.

"I knew you will come here sooner or later."

Yuki says almost tenderly. No. No. No. This can't be real. Is he spying on me?

"We need to talk."

I feel him. I think he sits down besides me.

"Don't want to. Go away."

"No, Shu. I won't."

"Don't call me that name!"

"It's your name."

"No, it, isn't don't call me like that!"

"Why not?"

"I just don't like it!" I lie.

"What do you want?"

"Could you look at me?"

"No."

"Ok, then. I just wanted to ask you something."

I remain silent. I am not going to encourage this conversation asking what the question is. So he's forced to continue.

Yuki's POV

"I wanted to ask you, why. Why did you run away?"

I am not sure this is the question I wanted to ask. But I don't know were to start, so I will start from the beginning. I hold to my logics.

"And you are asking me? Ask yourself. You are the clever one here."

"I want to hear it from you."

Well, this is lame…

He doesn't answer.

"Shu…ichi?"

He looks so miserable, like a little, lost child. I want to hug him, take him in my arms and comfort him. But I am afraid of his reaction.

"Could… you just leave it as it is."

"No," I say quietly. "No. I can't… I'm sorry Shu…"

He jumps up still covering eyes with his hands.

"Shut up! Shut up and leave me alone!"

He puts his hands down and I can see tears in his eyes. Then he abruptly turns around and runs. Shit! I jump up and follow him.

"Shu! Wait!" I call him. I try to catch him. But he's already gone. Well this is just 'perfect'!

I decide to walk home, take car and go to his apartment.

He's not at home. Where could he go? Hiro, he always ran to Hiro before… But I am not sure… even if it's Hiro, he will never let me in. Oh, I still hate that guy! Well, no one of his friends will let me in. I just want to know where he is.

Aaron. He could go to that Aaron. I hope he went to that guy. It's better than possibility that he's just wandering somewhere. Were could I find that Aaron? Ryuichi. I can't believe I am going to ask something from that moron…

I call Ryuichi and ask him Aarons number. That bastard refuses to give it. Then I ask if he could just call Aaron and ask if Shu is Ok. He asks me why, I tell him to mind his own business which probably means to go and fuck himself or my brother, because it seems that's all he's good for…

He drops the phone. Then Tatsuha calls, he lectures me about being rude to his boyfriend and finally tells me that Shuichi is fine and asks if I have done something to him. Then I drop the phone.

Now I am sitting on the couch, smoking, drinking and watching his movie. I don't know what to do. Why did I ever let him go? Should I leave him alone?

Aaron's POV

I am thinking about Shuichi all the time. What happened? I know this has something to do with his ex boyfriend. Ryuichi told me that their relationship was kind of complicated. And he told me that this guy, Yuki, was a real jerk. I noticed that, when I saw him. But that's all I know. Shuichi will have to tell me what's happening. His behavior is what bothers me most.

Someone is banging on the door. Who could it be? It's late. I walk to the door and open it. Shuichi! He's crying! He wraps his hands around me.

"Shuichi! What happened?"

"Nothing…" He mutters, sobbing.

"You can tell me."

"Yuki…" His sobs get louder.

"Did he hurt you?"

"Yes…no, I'm fine."

"Come in."

I shut the door and lead him to the couch.

He cuddles up to my chest and keeps crying.

"What did he do to you?"

I am really concerned, that guy is scary, if he did something to Shuichi…

"Shuichi, did he try to touch you?"

"No, no, Yuki would never…" he reacts as if I just said something unthinkable.

"He just wanted to talk."

I've never seen him crying like this. It's said, but it's a relief too.

"About what?"

"About us."

He starts to cry again.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Will you…will you…kick me out if I don't?" He stutters and I can see in his face that he seriously thinks I could do that.

It makes me smile. At times he says something like that, something completely discrepant with the person I know. It's cute.

"No, silly."

He gives me a small smile tears still coming down his cheeks.

"I am weeping like a complete moron."

I brush his hair.

"You need to cry sometimes."

We are sitting here for a while. He's crying and I am rocking him in my arms. Then I notice that sobs have stopped. He's fallen asleep. I lift him in my arms carefully and walk to my room. He's so light. I put him on the bed and cover with soft comforter.

The phone is ringing in the other room. I walk out as fast as I can and close the door. I don't want to wake him up.

Ryuichi is calling me.

TBC

* * *

A/N: Thank you for reading. There will be some action (not saying what kind of) when I will update next time. So you have reason to be anxious.  



	20. CAN'T TURN BACK TIME

Disclaimer: I don't own Gravitation and I just borrow characters to write a fan fiction story with noncommercial intentions. And I hope I don't offend anyone.

CAN'T TURN BACK TIME

Shuichi's POV

Aaron found nice hotel for me. He went to my house and brought me some most necessary things.

I woke up in his room this morning. At first I was scared, because I didn't understand were I was. But then I remembered what happened last night. Yeah…I had nasty emotional break down. This morning Aaron just asked one question: was I hiding from 'that man'. I told him I was and he left me alone. He just took me to my new place. I was not in the mood. But he reminded that we needed to talk and better sooner than later.

I told him that I wanted to be alone today. Just today. I nestled in my king size bed and pulled cover above my head. Now I am hiding here in the dark and softness from unfair, cruel world.

Yuki's POV

"Mika, what are you doing here?" I growled.

"We are a family, Eiri."

"Unfortunately."

"No need to be rude. Besides I brought you something from Tohma," she explained.

"I'm surprised that he didn't take the opportunity to come himself," I snorted.

"Tohma… he needs to sort out some things."

Did Tohma tell her?

"Eiri, what happened, what did you tell Tohma?"

"He didn't tell you?" I asked, an eyebrow raised.

"No."

"Fine."

"Fine? When Tohma came home yesterday he was really strange. He was thinking about something. I would like to know why he has changed his attitude, because before yesterday he was determined to do anything to keep Shindou Shuichi away from you. But now he is going to help you, reluctantly, but anyway. I want to know the reason of this sudden change of heart. I want some answers, Eiri," she demanded with a sharp click of her heel.

"Try Google."

"Why? Why can't you leave that boy alone? He'll only hurt you."

Maybe she's right. Maybe I should leave Shu alone. I'm not sure about this anymore. He was so angry and sorrowful yesterday. He asked me to leave him alone.

But Mika is wrong about one thing. It's me who will probably hurt Shuichi. Maybe I should stop this. Pack my bags and leave Tokyo, leave him.

I feel my heart clenching at the thought. Such a strange feeling. Do I really love him? Does he love me? If he doesn't love me anymore…

"Eiri?"

I forgot about Mika.

"He hurt me only once. When he left," I told her gruffly.

"And how do you know, he won't do that again?"

"Damn, Mika! He can't leave me! We are not together! He does not want to see me!"

"So why are you chasing someone who doesn't want you?"

"Get out, Mika!"

"I'm sorry, Eiri, I should't say that," she said. Did I detect sarcasm? "Now I'm starting to understand Tohma. He said something about preventing the inevitable. Ok. Tohma told me to tell you, that Shindou Shuichi left his house. There is information and something else. He said you can use this as you wish."

She holds out an envelope towards me. I lean forward on the couch, cigaretteless hand reaching out. My fingers twitch ever so slightly as I hesitate. Do I want what Tohma has to offer? Is the yet another ploy to keep me away from Shuichi? Endless, answerless questions.

I take the envelope.

Inside, there's a note with an address and a room number on it and…a plastic card. How did Tohma get this? Of course, some people would do everything for money. And how does Tohma know, were Shuichi is? He left only yesterday. Has Tohma been spying on Shu? No doubt, he has. I'll get him for this!

But now I need to decide what to do with this information and…card. Is Tohma really suggesting me to go and…

I don't know what to do. I want Shu. I need Shu. I have feelings for him.

Before he left me, I thought it was only about sex. His body. Beautiful body. I was telling myself that it was convenient to have someone I could fuck when I wanted. I didn't have to lose time looking for someone. It was convenient to have someone I could send to the store to buy me some coffee and cigarettes. It was convenient to have someone I can yell at when I felt like yelling.

I tried to suppress feelings I sometimes had, because it wasn't my style. I told myself that I didn't love him, that I couldn't love him or anyone else and that I was showing some affection to him sometimes only to get what I wanted.

Did I treat him like that? Did I treat him as a whore who is allowed to stay around me, because it was convenient? Did he know? Did he feel it? Did he leave, because of it? Oh, my God… What have I done…

I was lying to myself and I was hurting him… Sometimes I thought, he was really dense, because he accepted my treatment. Of course he was whining about it on casual basis, but he always forgave me and I just had to kiss him and everything was forgotten.

Was it not because he was dense, but because he unconditionally loved me? The person he is now is not dense in any way. Is he different now? Maybe not. Maybe it's just Shuichi. The real Shuichi I have never known. Shuichi I have never tried to get know. Maybe he was just trying to be always cheery and hummy because of me. To make me happy because he loved me.

And then I drove him to the edge.

I can't turn it back. What can I do now? Do I have any right to? Maybe he is better off without me… What gives me the right to interfere in his life?

Is he happy without me?

TBC


	21. I NEED YOU

Disclaimer: I don't own Gravitation and I just borrow characters to write a fan fiction story with noncommercial intentions. And I hope I don't offend anyone.

I NEED YOU

Shuichi's POV

I must have fallen asleep. But now I am completely awake. I woke up with a scream. The dream… It is always almost the same. At least at the end. First I see Yuki. He's smiling or kissing me or whatever, it is just a dream so a little bit blurred. But I know the feeling - happiness.

Then everything changes. He pushes me away. It gets dark and empty all around me. I see Yuki. His eyes are cold and full of hatred sometimes. He says I'm nothing. He says that he will never love me. He says I'm worth nothing and he pushes me in the nothingness. I fall looking in his face above me, I scream, I beg him to save me, I beg him to stop and I beg him not to kill me… But his expression remains indifferent and scornful.

And then… I scream.

Oh, it's only six p.m. Nothing to do. Everything to forget.

I'm glad that Aaron packed my very special box in the suitcase. And it's good that he didn't look inside it. I am not sure he would accept my little drug habit. Well it's not like marijuana is that bad. And it is not like I am using it constantly. Ok…recently...

Who cares…

I get a joint and light it. I inhale the gritty, acrid smoke, feel it go down unfiltered, raw down my throat, filling my lungs. I feel better almost instantly. The light, floating feel just behind my eyes taking away memories that are haunting me too persistently. I can't refuse myself this comfort.

I start to feel happy. A tiny, fragmented, miniscule shred of happiness. Maybe I could write a happy song now. All my songs are so sad… I can't sing them…or everybody will know… I'm stoned I guess…this is really funny… everyone would know through my songs. I giggle secretively to myself, they wouldn't be able to tell. Everything seems brighter now, happier. My room is beautiful, the colors almost tangible in their ever brightening state.

I wish this feeling could never end.

Yuki's POV

I knock. I don't think it is a good idea to just break in.

He doesn't open the door.

Maybe he is not there? No. I can't just walk away and come back other time. I need to know for sure. Maybe he just doesn't open the damn door. So I take the plastic card, generously provided by Tohma, and swipe it. Door opens with a click. How am I going to explain him how I got in?

He's not in the living room. Damn, I feel like a thief sneaking in Shuichi's room. He's not in the bedroom either. Nowhere in the bathroom. I notice that curtain on the other side of room is flattering. I pull aside the heavy green velvet fabrics and there is an open balcony door. Is he going to yell at me?

At first I think there isn't anyone. Then I notice that there is someone sitting in the corner by the railing. I walk closer.

"Shuichi!"

He looks up.

"No…go away," he orders me weakly, looking completely horrified at my presence.

"I won't." I can't leave now. I've come to far.

"No…bad dream, bad dream," he murmurs and starts banging his head against steel railing.

"Shuichi, stop!"

I crouch down, taking his head into my hands, holding it tightly, but not tight enough to hurt. What was he blathering about? Bad dreams? He seemed plenty awake to me.

"Bad vision, go away vision," he whispered brokenly.

He's still struggling in my grasp to bang his head against the railing. I don't know how he'll react, and frankly, I don't care either. I grab him by the shoulders and drag away from the railing.

"Would you stop that, baka!"

"Let me go, you are not real!"

He struggles against me. I knew he could pack a punch, but he was putting up a pretty good fight. My height and weight advantage seemed to do nothing in my favor.

"I am real, stop! You're hurting yourself!" I nearly shouted, shaking him slightly, as if trying to wake him up.

Something is not right with him… I push him against the wall.

"Shuichi, look in my eyes," I commanded, gripping his shoulders tight.

He looks in my eyes and starts to giggle. "You're funny!"

He is definitely not right. I lean closer. It's faint, but it's there. That pungent, sharp smell. Spices and burning.

"Yuki! You're sniffing me!" he whined, trying to writhe away.

"Yes and you smell like pot…How much did you smoke?"

"Just one or two." He giggles again.

"Did you take something else? Alcohol? Pills? Anything?" I demanded. Only one or two? Well, a low tolerance level could explain this, but he seemed very high for just 'one or two' joints.

"Why?" he asked me, tilting his head up, a confused look in his eyes.

"Did you drink?" I asked again, eyes smoothing over his features.

"Noo," he drawled out, grinning.

"Did you take any pills?" Oh shit, what if he did? I'd have to get him to a hospital…

"Noo.," he drawled again with a giggle. "I'm happy!"

"Of course you are…" I mutter. Of course he is

It looks like he has a bit too much. Shuichi doing drugs? Since when? I hope it's only weed… Should I take him to the hospital? Probably not. It's not like alcohol poisoning. Nothing they can give him except a drug test. Shuichi just needed to sleep it off.

I'll call doctor if he will get worse though. Don't some idiots lace that shit with stronger stuff? For all I know, it could've been pot and LSD laced in, and Shuichi would never know.

It's better to take him inside.

"Come, Shuichi, let's go inside."

I hold on his shoulders and lead him inside, he's giggling the whole time.

"I'm thirsty!" he announces when we get in.

I push him on the bed.

"Sit here and don't move!"

There is a vial with water and glass on the table.

I pour out a cup, handing it to him. "Here, drink."

I help him with the glass, because I am not sure, he's able to hold it not spilling water on the bed. He finishes with a satisfied sigh, smiling, smacking his lips.

I put glass back on the table.

I turn back facing him and see two big violet frightened eyes staring at me. "Y-You are real… right?"

"Yes, I am, Shu," I sigh, running a hand through my hair.

"SHU IS DEAD!" he shouted abruptly. "Are you are here to kill me too?"

"Calm down, Shuichi. The drugs are messing with your mind," I tell him, almost begging him to stay calm. What happened to happy?

"Leave me alone!" he cries out, looking on the verge of… what? Tears, terror?

"I can't. Someone needs to watch you," I explain.

"No, you don't want to watch me! You want to…My body? You want my body? Will you go away if I let you have me? Will you leave me then?" he asks. Now he's the one begging.

He pulls off his T-shirt., despite my good intentions, I find myself staring. That beautiful body, smooth, tangible right before me to reach out and… No. With a brisk shake of my head, I'm brought back to reality.

"You can fuck me! That is what you want, right?"

Oh, Shu…why are you…why are you like this? Is it my fault?

"I don't mind! It is what I am good for, right?" he spits, smiling at me cruelly.

It doesn't last long though. Shu averts his eyes from mine, tears start running down his cheeks freely.

Without a word he opens his belt and pulls down his shorts throwing them on the floor. "Do it already and let's get over with it."

He is lies down on the bed hugging his knees.

I watched all of this in silence, watching my former lover in this state. Giving me, offering me what I thought I wanted. What I thought was the only thing between us. I finally come to my senses. Walking to the bed I cover his naked body with the blanket.

"Shu, calm down."

"You don't want me anymore? Am I disgusting?" he whispered, still not looking at me.

He suddenly stands up on his knees tossing the blanket away and throws his arms around my neck pressing his naked body against my clothed one. I need to stop him right now or I won't be able to stop myself.

"Why you don't want me?" he asks me, voice broken.

"Shuichi…stop…," I tell him, trying to gently remove him.

He releases my neck and falls down on the bed sobbing. "Yuki, doesn't want me anymore…I am nothing…"

"Shuichi, you just don't understand what you are doing," I try to reason with him.

"No, I am disgusting! I am pathetic! I am no one! You are right, I deserve to die," he cries, punctuating each exclamation with a fist pounding into the bed.

What is he talking about? Whatever, I don't like it when he is talking about death that much. It's unnerving. I crawl into bed, tuck him in the blanket and pull in my lap, laying his head on my chest.

"Calm down, Shuichi."

"You don't want me anymore."

"I want you. But not like this, Shuichi. It would be wrong."

He is clinging on me and crying his heart out. I take my napkin and keep wiping away his tears, but they don't seem to stop. I try to comfort him saying some incoherent words. It's so painful to see him like this. His hysterics must be side effect of drugs or it is just emotional breakdown. I'm hoping it's the drugs.

Why, Shu? I didn't understand everything he said. But it scares me. Oh Shu, I love you so much.

Wait… did I just said that in my thoughts? Hell, yes! I love him! Why not! Who was I trying to fool! I can allow myself to love Shuichi. It is not like I have a lot of choice anyway. You don't choose who you love.

"Shh, don't cry. It's going to be all right…"

I watch my beautiful love in my arms. He is all I need. I wish we could stay like this forever. I must admit I am afraid of tomorrow.

But now I know. He's not happy. He needs me. We need each other.

TBC


	22. MORNING

Disclaimer: I don't own Gravitation and I just borrow characters to write a fan fiction story with noncommercial intentions. And I hope I don't offend anyone.

MORNING

Yuki's POV

Shu was crying for more than an hour. I wasn't sure if he was completely aware of situation and I tried not to think about that much, but just be. Be there for my Shuichi. Finally I managed to rock him to sleep. But I couldn't sleep myself. I wanted to enjoy every moment I could spent holding him in my arms.

I take his small, delicate hand in my. His skin is so smooth and soft… I try not to think that he is actually naked and there is only rather thin blanked between his body and mine. It doesn't do much as I am still rather aware of everything beneath that damn piece of cloth…considering previous experience and fact that to be a good writer one requires quite animate imagination…I should not get too excited right now…

I am afraid that he will not let me hold him when he will wake up. It is morning already. I am not sure if I should let him wake up like this, in my lap. I am afraid, he will just freak out. I don't know how much of last night he remembers. Even if he does, I don't know how he will take it.

I take a grip of myself and carefully lie him down on the bed. I sit on the floor next to the bed and keep watching his sleep. I can't help myself and run my fingers through his soft, silky hair. He growls quietly.

Then I notice simple metal box on the floor next to the bed. Invading Shu's privacy? Like I care… Fuck! No wonder he was like that! There is enough stuff to be stoned for a month. So this is not the first time. Oh, Shu, what are you doing… I walk in the bathroom and flush it down the toilet.

What is happening? Why? Why my little Shu is doing something like this?

I walk back in the bedroom and sink down on the carpet next to his bed. I put my hand on his. He looks so peaceful and innocent…

Suddenly two wide eyes open looking right in mine. He jumps up and backs off to the other side of bed.

"What…"

Then his cheeks color up. I am sure, he remembers something about yesterday.

"Good morning," I stand up.

"Put on some clothes, I will order breakfast. And we still need to talk."

I toss the empty box on the bed in front of him. I don't know either to slap him for being so stupid or kiss him senseless.

I think I should give him some time and leave the bedroom.

After some time which seems to be longer than I would like, door opens and Shuichi comes out fully dressed and his hair are wet.

"Breakfast is here, eat something."

"I am not hungry."

"I am sure you are. That stuff has that kind of effect. Why are you poisoning yourself Shuichi?"

"It is not your business."

"You are wrong. It is my business! Why are you doing this?"

"Because I can! I can do whatever I want! And now I want you to leave!"

"Don't you remember yesterday? I won't leave before you promise me that you will not do anything stupid again."

He laughs bitterly.

"Stupid? I am stupid. That's me. Baka. All my life is stupid. But it is not your problem. I don't have to promise you anything! That weed was just not good… Next time I will choose better!" Now I really feel like grabbing him and slapping for talking this nonsense.

"I will do what I want! And you can't do anything about it! And I didn't ask you to baby sit me yesterday… I am just fine! I don't even want to know what you were doing in my room!" His voice is bitter and angry. "And we still have nothing to talk about. Ok, fine, if you don't leave, then I am leaving!"

He is trying to run away again and hide his real emotions. What are you afraid of?

He heads to the door, but I step in his way put my arms around him and pull him in firm embrace. I will not let you go…

"We are not finished. I will not let you run away. There is a lot I need to tell you. And you will have to listen?"

"Let me go!"

"I will let you go, if you promise not to run away."

"You…you…bastard!"

"No doubt about that. Ok, then I will not let you go…"

"No, No! Let me go…"

He begs, but doesn't struggle. Maybe he actually enjoys being close to me…naïve hope…

"Let go of him you, bastard!"

SLAM!

Oh, it hurts…American guy…he just pushed me away from Shu and hit me in the face, I can taste blood on my lip.

"Aaron, stop, don't…"

"Stop defending him Shuichi! I saw everything!"

"What are you…"

I am not going to leave it this way!

No I should calm down. I can't beat up people in front of Shuichi.

He grabs the collar of my shirt. No, this is too much!

SLAM!

My stroke knocks blond American on the floor. I have never been the patient and forgiving type…

"Stop it!"

Shu jells.

"Stop! "

He turns around and runs out of the room.

I should kill that jerk for ruining my chance to talk to Shu! He stands up in the front of the door.

"You are not following him!"

"Who do you think you are to order me?" I grab him by the front of his shirt.

"I will not let you hurt Shuichi!"

He pushes me away.

"It is not your business! What? Do you want to fuck him yourself?"

Ok, this is thing I maybe shouldn't had told… Damn my temper!

"How you dare! You…"

"What! Do not dare touching what is mine or you will regret it!"

"Shuichi will be yours only over my dead body!"

"If it is what it takes!"

SLAM!

I punch him, knocking on the floor again and leave the room. Fuck! My lip is really bleeding…and there is no way I would find Shu now. Who knows were is he? Probably somewhere…don't know where. Fuck!

Everything was…well…not perfect. But at least I could have had a chance.

Maybe I should go back and really beat up that idiot…

I should tell that Aaron guy about drugs it looks like he thinks he acts as Shu's babysitter or something…But it is not like he will listen to me now… I screwed everything up entirely…

TBC


	23. THINKING OF RAPUNZEL

Disclaimer: I don't own Gravitation and I just borrow characters to write a fan fiction story with noncommercial intentions. And I hope I don't offend anyone.

THINKING OF RAPUNZEL

Shuichi's POV

This is all because of me! I must leave! I must run! So I run…

No. I should go back and try to do something. Break them up. Yuki is strong… I can not.

I feel bad running off like this, but what else can I do? They are fighting because of me, so if I go away they will stop. If I stay Yuki will not step back, he will want to talk to me and Aaron will not give up and they will keep fighting…

I hope they are not killing each other right now…

I take a taxi and drive to work. I must show up or delay will cost thousands of dollars. Movie business is like that. I am already late; I think that is why Aaron came to my hotel.

Will Yuki tell Aaron about yesterday? I hope not. Why would he? Was he really concerned? If Aaron finds out I am in trouble. He will not like that. But I need my 'medicine' or I can't sleep.

Oh, God, what did I do yesterday…I was… I was throwing myself at Yuki… if he accepted my offer… No… I totally lost it! Must have been bad stuff. Speaking of which, I should get some more. This is too much. I will need some sleep tonight.

Was Yuki really concerned? He didn't do anything to me even when I was kind of willing…Oh! That sounds so wrong! Maybe he just wanted to talk about something and when he saw me he thought that someone needed to look after me, because, yes, I admit that, I was totally stoned, but it is all Yuki's fault, because he makes me…Fuck! I am having a headache now. Probably I really should talk to Yuki and find out what does he want.

Or not. I don't want to know.

Uncertainty is killing me. I must stop thinking about this or despair will kill me. It is really impossible to relax or sleep or focus on anything if I must think about this all the time. But I don't want to speak to Yuki, I am not sure I want to know anything he wants to say. But I can't get him out of my head. Not after yesterday or day before or…

He is taking over my life again…

My cell phone…It is Aaron.

"Aaron, are you Ok?"

Yes, he assures me that he's fine. Well he is able to talk to me – a good sign.

I tell him that I am in the taxi am going to work and we will talk about everything later and then I hang up.

Taxi stops. I climb out. I must be careful, because reporters are still after me. They can't forget things I said about Yuki at that damned TV-show. I can't understand why Yuki hasn't said anything about that. Or at least Tohma. I am almost disappointed about Tohma. I could piss him off remarkably… Or maybe I do understand – it is too embarrassing to talk about. None of them would like to repeat things I said. Of course Yuki slapped me… Oh, here it goes, Yuki again, it is always about Yuki…

I am drowning. I am sinking deeper and deeper. Despair. Emptiness. Fear.

Must not think about it. Must forget.

I can always work. Act.

080808

I am on the break. Aaron comes in my dressing room. He gives me questioning glance.

"You want me to explain everything? Fine." I try to do my best giving him one of my best intimidating glares. I must make up after being such a sissy lately.

"You know that Yuki Eiri was my boyfriend. Of course you know. All Japan knows. And I dumped him. I run away. Of course you know that too. And know he doesn't leave me alone. I don't know what he wants and I don't want to know. I just want to stay away from him as far away as possible. But I am failing. That is bad. This is all I can say. And I am not going to tell you anything more."

Aaron has contemplative expression.

"Shuichi, do you still have any feelings for him?"

There is no way I am going to answer this…but if I don't answer… Aaron is not stupid…could I just lie? It is not so hard actually. I am an actor. No, just, say, 'no'…damn!

"That doesn't matter."

"It does."

"I need to change my phone number and I need other place were I could stay."

I am not going to talk about this!

"Shuichi…"

I abruptly stand up and walk to the door.

"My brake is over. And, please, don't make me say anything I don't want to. I just…I don't want to say that…I don't want to make any declarations. It is hard…"

I close the door after me lean against the wall and sigh in relief. I don't understand Aaron. Sometimes he is implacable and when he is deadly serious about something I can only listen and obey. But then, sometimes he almost dotes on me and allows me to order him around like a school boy. I know that I sometimes abuse this option.

Of course people usually think that it is fine, because he is my assistant and that should mean I can order him around. But our relationship has never been like that. It is not like he is staying with me because of money I pay him. I know he could do whatever he wants. He sometimes he says I am a hobby.

Assistant? Oh, that is very far from truth. That is ridiculous, but Aaron is more like mother. He cares about me, he looks after me, he feeds me, he spoils me, allows me to snarl at him, but he reprimands and tries to force me to be good boy. He tries to arrange my life. Sometimes I give up and let him. When I am too tired to argue. Sometimes I don't.

Ha! This is such an irony. Actually I have my own Tohma now. But, no, he is nothing like Tohma. I think Aaron has some common sense. Tohma would probably shut Yuki up in a tower, like Rapunzel, girl in that foreign fairy tale and make sure that no one can touch him. I saw a cartoon on TV when I was in USA.

"Rapunzel, Rapunzel,  
Let down your golden hair..."

TBC

* * *

A/N: I think I will manage next update in 24 hours or something like that. 

To all revieviewers: Thank y ou for supporting me. That really means so much to me.

GoTrinba: Yes, Yuki is being stupid...but the problem is that it is not only about Yuki in my story - Shuichi is not going to give up easily. And there are other people around and they have their own agendas ;)

darkangel818: Yeah, well Shuichi is being very emotional sometimes, because he is a mess. But I think he will be happy at the end.

rhidaka : Oh, thank you! I love your review.

Thanks to everyone for reading and...yeh...if you have any questions - just ask! I will be more than happy to answer them.


	24. OPEN YOUR EYES

Disclaimer: I don't own Gravitation and I just borrow characters to write a fan fiction story with noncommercial intentions. And I hope I don't offend anyone.

OPEN YOUR EYES

Yuki's POV

"What is this?"

"Don't touch me!"

"Your lip, Eiri, it is…"

"It is nothing!"

Tohma looks at me as if I had both my legs broken and a knife stabbed in my chest.

"What happened?"

You are not going to leave me alone, aren't you? Of course not.

I think this is how Tohma and Mika manage to make me answer their questions or do something. They bugger me until I loose all my patience. Over years I have learned that is easier to give them what they want and then they leave me alone.

Of course I don't have to make it pleasant for them. I know that they will never learn not to ask, but I guess I have my little, sadistic pleasure seeing their astonishment when I give them what they think they want.

"Just killed a guy," shut your mouth Tohma and don't forget to breath. "Almost."

Still not breathing.

"Wanted to kill. And authorities are not after me."

"Who?"

He whispers recovering from initial shock.

"Aaron Fleming."

"Oh."

"Yeah…"

"Why?"

"I was talking with Shu. That bastard interrupted us."

"And how was your meeting?"

Meeting?

"Shitty. What do you know about American asshole?"

I am sure Tohma has done his homework.

Tohma sighs and compresses his lips. This whole mess is bothering him greatly. He doesn't know what to think about it, what to say and what not to say. He doesn't know what he should do. He can not decide what is right anymore and which is the perfect solution He is loosing control and it is driving him crazy.

Share or not to share the information. Come on, Tohma. Snap!

It is really satisfactory to see him in such vulnerable state. Somehow I enjoy shocking him. I enjoy seeing him hurt. I enjoy breaking him?

Oh, God…

What am I thinking… I am enjoying breaking people who care for me… pushing them day by day closer to the edge, waiting for them to break and fall … I am a monster… I am hurting people who love me on purpose… I am hurting people I love… Why? I did this… I did this to Shuichi… I am a monster…

"Eiri! What is wrong! Are you hurt?"

I am sitting on the floor on my knees. Tohma is shaking me.

"Eiri! Eiri! Look at me!"

"I am fine… I… There is nothing wrong with me. But he… I understand now… He is broken…I broke him and now he is…I am a monster…"

"What? What are you talking about?"

"Shuichi…I did that to him…"

"Come on Eiri, stand up! Sit on the couch. I thought you are sick again…"

I am pushed on the couch.

"Listen, Eiri, you should not worry. Shindou Shuichi is fine. He is just angry and stubborn. I have seen him. He can take care of himself better than ever. And I am sure he will come back to you as soon as you will really ask him. Eiri, I still don't think it is going to bee good for you, because he is… well I have noticed some unpleasant changes in his character…but if you really want him…I guess I will have to accept it."

I should punch him to shut his mouth!

"Shut up! Are you blind! He is everything, but fine! Do you want to know what I think about those 'unpleasant changes in character'? They are not normal! He couldn't just wake up one day completely different. And he didn't. He is not that different as it seems at first. Are you really deluded by that act he puts on? He has become too good as actor for his own sake! That childish trick he played on TV-show was bloody brilliant. It seems he wanted to make sure that I never want to see him again.

But have you seen him when he falls out of character? You can't imagine how fickle his moods are. You should see that fear, confusion and despair…You should see him crying! Did you know he has a motorcycle? And did you know that he is driving as if he had a death wish? Did you know that he is doing drugs? And yesterday he said that he is dead. Shu is dead…"

Who am I really talking to? Who am I asking about being blind? Tohma or myself? It is me who should have noticed this earlier.

"I shouldn't worry? He is hurting himself…forget about everything I said. It is not important, because I just know…I was blind. It is me who was blind… I could tell the first time when I looked in his eyes, that this is wrong. His behavior…everything he does is screaming aloud one word. Wrong! He is hurting himself… it is wrong. Everything is wrong about him."

Silence. I stand up and walk to the window and lit a cigarette. I turn around and look at Tohma. He is sitting there very pale and motionless.

Shit! I really didn't realize anything myself until now. I was too busy thinking about myself. My feelings. My wishes. That's how I missed it.

"Eiri… I guess I misjudged the situation."

"Oh, cut it Tohma! It has nothing to do with you. It is my fault."

"Eiri, you shouldn't blame yourself for…"

"No Tohma, I should! Stop making excuses for everything I do. There are a lot of things I should blame myself for. Take some responsibility. I am not sixteen anymore. I screwed up."

"I will support you as much as I can."

I know you will, Tohma. I should do it now…Maybe first time… I should have done… I should have said this long time ago…

"Thank you, Tohma."

We are still sitting on the couch in my living room and drinking my bear. We don't talk for some time. We both need to think.

"What do you know about Aaron Fleming?"

"What happened between you?"

"He ruined my chance to talk to Shuichi and I don't like how he looks at Shu."

"I must admit that I collected some information about him." He smiles apologetically.

"I think he cares for Shuichi a lot. It is only way I can explain why he is boy's assistant. Aaron Flemings is from good family. He is oldest son and he should take over family business. Actually he was doing that for some time, but then he quit."

"So, he wants Shu?"

"I don't think so. That is not all. Aaron had brother. Younger brother. Boy died three years ago. And then Aaron quit company and disappeared."

"Then he is using Shuichi as his substitute brother or something. I hope he didn't kill him himself."

"No, Eiri. This information was hard to get. Fortunately I have some connections in New York. Everything what happened was so well covered that only some people knew it. But not the whole story. That explains why there was no media fuss. They don't even know who Aaron is, because their family was trying to avoid spotlight. About Aaron's brother…it looks like it was a suicide. But no one has any reliable information about circumstances. Only rumors and suspicions."

"He doesn't like me and I don't like him."

This is great. Shuichi doesn't want to see me and he has that overprotective bastard who will probably do everything to keep me away from him, because he thinks Shu is his brother or something. Speaking about overprotective bastards – Tohma and Aaron, they could start a club.

But what should I do now? How can I make everything better?

I have never tried to woo someone. People are usually coming to me and well…I let them in and then I throw them out. Should I send him flowers or something?

And drugs…who will watch him? If I will say that American jerk, Shuichi will hate me. I need to do something. And soon. I need to meet him.

TBC


	25. TUESDAY

Disclaimer: I don't own Gravitation and I just borrow characters to write a fan fiction story with noncommercial intentions. And I hope I don't offend anyone.

TUESDAY

Aaron's POV

He was not too angry about hotel incident. It seems, he is really confused about everything and is not sure what to think. He didn't tell me that, but I think he still has some feelings for that man. It is hard to forget love like that, especially if his ex is stalking Shuichi.

Yesterday Shuichi told me about Yuki Eiri. At first we spoke during his brae and there was more he didn't say, than he did. But later I forced him tell me more. He says I am annoying, but when I threaten him that I will leave him, he snaps. It is good that he hasn't figured out that I can't leave.

Then he told me about their relationship, and how much he loved his insufferable boyfriend and he told me that he finally left the novelist, because of unsolvable contradictions. Unsolvable contradictions? I can read between lines. That guy is a jerk. Shuichi was not very specific about details, but I understood that his boyfriend treated him as door mat. How could anyone do something like that to Shuichi?

Yuki Eiri even tried to contact me. I refused to talk to him. I have nothing to do with him. Even Seguchi Tohma tried to talk to call me and arrange a meeting. I know that he is close to that scum, so I don't even talk to him. What they could say to me? I am looking after Shuichi. He stays in my hotel room and I am driving him from work to work. So – no unwanted meetings are possible.

That bastard Yuki Eiri sent Shuichi flowers! White orchids. There was a card too. He is asking Shuichi to meet him. Of course Shu doesn't know. I threw them out.

This is exactly the problem and I am going to take care about it. I will keep Yuki Eiri as far from Shuichi as possible. I don't like that man. He is not good enough for my little brother…well not brother, but almost brother. I know, maybe Shuichi wouldn't like what I am doing, but that is for his own good.

Well… This is a surprise, but a good one. Perfect for my plans.

"Shuichi!"

I walk in his dressing room where he is having break.

"Not hungry! You already forced me to eat today…"

"No, no! No feeding by force! I have something for you!"

"No shit!"

He answers sarcastically. I roll my eyes. Shuichi is back. That really calms me down. This is my little Ice – nasty and edgy. No crying. Oh…I don't want to think about that. Everyone has their ups and downs. I am glad it is over.

"See! Someone has sent you flowers. And I suspect it's someone you know. Stop making faces! I will read you the card. 'How are you, Baby? It has been a while. I haven't forgotten you. Maybe we could meet for a dinner?' Signed – Solo. And there is a business card. This man's full name is Matsuo Kanaye."

"I know Solo."

"Do you know who is Matsuo Kanaye?"

"No idea."

"Shuichi, you are from Tokyo and you don't know that the man is from Matsuo family, they own one of the biggest telecommunication companies in Japan."

Shuichi snorts.

"So, how do **you** know him?"

"Well, we…I have met him, he is a good person."

I decide not to push him. He has shown his tender side in last days, but I don't think it is reasonable to provoke Shuichi. I know if I will ask too many questions he will get angry and I will not be able to do the trick.

"So when are you going?"

"Where?"

"Out. When are you going to have your dat…dinner?"

"I am not going."

"Of course you are!"

"Hell, no!"

"Why? Don't you like him? Is he ugly or boring? There are a lot of reasons why you should accept this… Please, Shuichi, do it for me. I never ask you anything! Just this one time. You know – it is just a dinner. It is not like he is going to have his way with you." Mhm…Shuichi almost chokes with water he was drinking. Is there something I don't know? " You don't have to do anything you don't want to, just eat your food and talk…"

"Stop! Stop! I got your point! Maybe you are right…You know…"

"Ok! I will call his secretary. Today is Tuesday… so tomorrow…"

"So soon!"

"I will not give you time to change your mind!"

Shuichi's POV

Solo…So, Solo knows who I am… Did he know that night? Maybe… But is it important? I do not think he spent a night with me just because I was famous. He was good to me. I still feel like I owe him something. Even if it is just dinner.

I don't know… I can't give him anything. I love Yuki. No I don't! Yws, I do… But I need to forget Yuki!

Maybe this is a good idea. I don't want to use someone to keep Yuki away from me, but as Aaron said, it is going to be just a dinner.

Maybe we can just hang out as friends?

I take a look at the note. Oh…but this doesn't look like 'friendly' invitation. But I feel like I owe Solo, because I used him and he was really nice.

Aaron's POV

I feel guilty for what I am about to do. But it is for greater good. But it is not like it will hurt Shuichi. We can always tell that it was a business meeting…

I pick up the phone.

"Hello! I have information about Shuichi Shindou. Are you interested?"

This is a war Yuki Eiri. And I am not going to play nice.

It is time to make my point.

TBC

* * *

A/N: To those who can't wait when Yuki and Shuichi is together again: I am sorry, but you will have to wait a little bit...nothing is easy...I am going to tease you...evil grin But teasing is not that bad and...well, stay tuned! And you will get what you want.

And thank you very much for support.


	26. DATE

Disclaimer: I don't own Gravitation and I just borrow characters to write a fan fiction story with noncommercial intentions. And I hope I don't offend anyone.

DATE

Shuichi's POV

I ride to restaurant by my bike. It will be a good excuse to go home by myself after. If I take taxi, then probably Solo will offer to give me a ride and then… This is ridiculous! I agree to go to date with someone and I am already making plans how to skip away. I feel like liar.

I feel like I am deceiving Solo, because actually I am sure I do not want… no it is not like that, I can't say, that I don't want to meet Solo at all… but I am not sure we both have the same reason to meet.

And then I feel like I am cheating on Yuki. I know this is absurdity… We are not…we are nothing, but still. Solo was first person I have been together with besides Yuki. And I was drunk. I could not be with anyone before, because I knew I would feel like I am cheating on Yuki, if I will allow anyone to touch me.

I am so stupid.

I am so nervous.

I could use a smoke now. But I need to drive. Besides Yuki threw out everything I had, so I need to buy more. I have been too busy recently and had no time for that kind of 'shopping'.

Well, this is a nice place. I hold my breath. It is a little bit awkward to see Solo again. I hope I look decent and no one would say that I don't have enough clothes on me or they are too tight or too short. Aaron says that sometimes I have no sense of decency. I am trying. I don't wear shorts which reminds of underwear in public anymore. I know they are to revealing. But I still can't figure out sometimes.

I have black leather pants and white shirt. I took motorcycle, so it was not too difficult to choose what to wear.

Oh, I am like school girl on her first date…but mw and Yuki, we didn't have a lot of dates.

I ask waiter were I can find Matsuo Kanaye and he leads me up the stairs to the second floor. I follow. It is Solo. He is sitting by the table in the center of room and smiling.

It is quite dark here and this is the only table. I am not sure if it is good or not. We get more privacy and chance that someone will notice me is not so big. But then – we are alone there…

"Hi, Shuichi!"

"Ehe, hello, So…What do you want me to call you now?"

"Solo is fine."

He has incredible smile and he is smiling constantly. Why Yuki is not like this…bad thought, bad!

"Hello, Solo…"

"Come, sit down! It is not like we need official introduction!"

No! I know I am blushing right now. Why my body has to embarrass me all the time?

Solo has wide grin on his face. Oh, yes it is funny, make me blush and…

"You know, that you are so cute, when you pout?"

"No, I don't!"

"Yes you do."

"No, don't!"

"Do."

"Don't!"

He starts laughing.

"Come on. Sit down and let's eat something!"

I give him a small smile and sit on the chair.

Waiter comes and asks what we would like. I let Solo order for me, because I really don't care and I still don't know what to order in fancy restaurants.

We talk a lot. Actually Solo talks. He tells me about his family and school and work. It is nice. He seems so open and honest about everything. No dark secrets I suppose. I almost feel guilty…

"Hi, Baby, you are not eating!"

"I am…"

"No, you are just playing with it. Give me that!"

Solo snatches my fork, takes bait and pushes it in my mouth.

"Chew!"

"Give it back! That is embarrassing!"

He just chuckles. Ok, he makes me smile too…

We finish the meal. Solo keeps smiling, but it is different now. I can see he is thinking about something.

"Shuichi, you should know something," he is really serious now. "I asked you out, because I really enjoyed the time we spent together. I think you are amazing and I don't want it to be just one night stand. I hope it could become something more."

He waits for an answer. What can I say? What are my feelings? I like him, but…but there are too many buts…

"I like you Solo, you make me feel good…but I don't know…I am… I don't think I could be good for you. You don't know me…I am not a good person…"

"Stop, Shuichi! Stop right now! You are a wonderful person."

He stands up and walks around table. I feel his hands around me. He hugs me from behind.

"I think someone hurt you and you are confused and scared. But it is not your fault. I can make you forget. I can make you feel better."

He leans forward. I can feel his breath on my skin. His lips gently touches my cheek. Kiss. Nice and safe. Like Solo.

I feel…my body tenses up. He releases me.

"I will give you all time you need."

Solo leaves some money on the table.

"Lets go. Do you need a ride?"

"No I have a bike."

"Then I just walk you to the parking lot."

"Ok."

We leave the restaurant walking side by side.

"Thank you, Solo, it was nice."

"You are welcome," he runs his fingers thru my hair smoothing back unruly lock. "Can I call you?"

"Aha."

I still have some 'shopping' to do.

TBC

* * *

A/N: So, I heard that some people like Solo back? Really? What do you think about it? 


	27. BAD NEWS

Disclaimer: I don't own Gravitation and I just borrow characters to write a fan fiction story with noncommercial intentions. And I hope I don't offend anyone.

BAD NEWS

Tohma's POV

Mika is sitting opposite me and drinking her black coffee (no sugar) and reading her way thru the pile of newspapers and magazines.

My obtrusive, bossy wife. And still she is mine. And still it is satisfactory to have her.

She would be me unless her uncontrollable temper. Just like Eiri's… She reminds me of Eiri in many ways. She can be as bitter, sarcastic. Stubborn and hateful as him. Her reasons are different of course. She had to mature too early and become mother for Uesugi family, taking all the responsibility. Giving up her own dreams.

It was quite a burden to bear. But she doesn't want to give her responsibility up that easily. Even if I am ready to take it. Our marriage is continuous power struggle.

But she always surrenders to me. Love. I think she loves me madly. It is angry, spiteful love sometimes. But she loves me and always surrenders. Almost like Eiri… They are so alike. Too proud and strong to admit their love and so they fight it. They almost hate themselves and people they love, because they make them weak and submissive. They both fear love.

Of course Mika is easier than Eiri. She always surrenders to me in all the ways Eiri never will. I like to tame her. I like how she fights me knowing that she has lost long time ago. It is our little twisted game. We both know that we are playing it, but that doesn't matter.

Sometimes I am wondering whether I am enjoying doing to Mika what I will never be able to do to Eiri. I don't know. Maybe I don't want to know. Does she know? Could this be the reason why she is angry at me?

We never talk about me and Eiri. About my feelings. And I am sure it is better this way. I have spent a lot of sleepless nights thinking about Eiri. My Eiri… No, never mine… Eiri will never be mine.

But do I want him to be? Do I really want him? Once I thought I wanted Eiri more than anything. But I did nothing about that. I have always had too much self-restraint. I am wondering what if I hadn't… What if I tried to have Eiri for myself?

Nothing. Nothing I guess. It is not meant to be. Eiri has always been sacred to me. To precious. Something I was afraid to touch fearing to break it. Maybe I wanted him. But I didn't do anything about it, because deep down in my heart I always new that he would never want me the way I wanted him. It was not even about sex. Of course it not like I didn't wanted…I am a human being and Eiri is… gorgeous. But more than everything I wanted just hold him. Cherish him. Make him smile. Fill all that emptiness…

Love has never been obvious for me. I don't know if I love Mika for herself or other reasons. She is important. I don't know do I love Eiri…maybe I am making mistake regarding genuine caring, tenderness, admiration and lust as love. And of course my feeling guilt. But what is love then? But Eiri is most important. I wish I could give him all the happiness in the world!

But I will never be the one. I am helpless. I have tried for years. I haven't been able to do much. I was telling myself that it is because I can't make him forget New York and Kitazawa. So I just tried to protect him from all the bad things which could happen. I tried to protect him from world.

Maybe Eiri is right. I was making excuses for everything he did. I was pampering him. Spoiling him? But he has suffered too much… I was interfering in his life and it is hard to say was it right thing to do. I don't know what is right and what is wrong anymore.

Shuichi…Shuichi…what about Shuichi?

"Tohma?"

"Yes, Mika…"

"Did you seen "Nikkan Gendai" today?"

"No, Mika."

"Then take a look!"

Mika seems angry…This early in the morning…Sometimes I am considering keeping her drugged…Oh…having weird fantasies again… what could be so… Ok, I will take a look…Oh, no, this is not good…

'DOES SHINDOU SHUICHI HAVE A NEW BOYFREND? WHO IS MYSTERIOUS GUY?'

It is him. Shindou…and some guy who is touching him...too friendly… When Eiri will see these pictures… He doesn't read tabloids like "Nikkan Gendai". Oh…media clippings… I am sure he still uses that company, they do those media clippings and Eiri will get this publication sooner or later.

And TV… I am sure this is on the news already. Shindou is even more popular now than he was as leader of "Bad Luck". He is international star. Paparazzi are obsessed with him. Especially after that TV show. And this is big…

"Tohma, do you see now?"

"What Mika?"

"That boy. He has a boyfriend. I am sure Eiri will not like it, but he will have to stop whatever he was going to do, because…"

"No, Mika…he…this is bad…but…"

"What? You should do something to make Shindou Shuichi leave Japan or…I don't know, do what you want, just make him disappear! He is hurting Eiri."

"I don't know…Mika, I don't know what is meaning of this. You know journalists. This could be…whatever.."

"But, Tohma, this is obvious! Are you blind?"

"No, Mika, I am not. This is not that simple. Eiri…he…I think he really loves that boy. And it doesn't matter if we like it or not. We can't change that. Believe me, I have tried. Maybe too hard. He can't change it. And Shuichi…he has his own issues. I can't explain these pictures, but I really hope that they are just misunderstanding."

"Hard to believe."

"It is bad, but…Whatever…I am going to Eiri now."

What can I do now? I hate that boy…no, I don't. I am angry, but I can't. Not after what Eiri told me. He is worried. He is not inclined to exaggeration. So it is serious.

What can I say Eiri to make this not look that bad?

I grab the damned paper. I will better show this to Eiri myself…

/LATER/

Phone ringing

"Yes?"

"Mika…"

"Tohma is it you?"

"Yes Mika…"

"You sound strange. Is something wrong?"

"Yes…very wrong…"

"Tohma what happened?"

"Well…it is Eiri…he…"

TBC

* * *

A/N: I know that it is evil to leave you here. But I can't help it. so you will have to wait till to moro to find out what happened. Sorry guys! 


	28. PRETTY PLEASE

Disclaimer: I don't own Gravitation and I just borrow characters to write a fan fiction story with noncommercial intentions. And I hope I don't offend anyone.

PRETTY PLEASE

Ryuichi's POV

Kumagoru says that I shouldn't do that…I know, I know. But I am so bored!

I leave Kuma in the bedroom trying to ignore his reprimanding glare. I go down on my hands and knees and crawl in the living room trying not to laugh. Sneaking up to someone is so much fun!

He is lying on the couch and reading that evil text book which keeps us from having fun together. Evil, evil book! Shhh…must be quiet, almost there… I love crawling!

"I can hear you Ryu…"

Busted!

Well nothing to loose!

"Love attack!"

I jump on the couch straddling Tatsuha.

"Ryu…I am trying to study…"

Mmm…that hair… so soft…so silky…I like to touch, touch, touch…

"Hey, stop that!"

Nou! It feels so good…

"Fancy a shag Mr. Must-learn -it-all?"

"Ehe…I need to study Ryu…"

"Then, do you mind lying down while I have one?"

"You are unholy…"

"Yeah…I am your unholy slut…I am very, very bad…"

Tatsuha wraps his arms around my waist and rolls us both off the couch pinning me down on our fluffy carpet and pressing his lips to my neck and ravishing it. Oh…that's…tickles… Oh…good…

DING DONG!

"Hei…don't stop that!"

"Sorry, love, door bell…"

"I don't hear any bells…"

"But I can."

No…don't want door bell…

"Can wait…"

"Later, love…"

I am rudely pushed off my Tatsuha. He stands up and walks to the door.

"Piggyback!"

I shout and jump on him from back wrapping my legs around his waist.

"You are such a baby!"

"Your baby!"

Tatsuha carries me along to the door and opens it.

Oh…that's unexpected.

Tatsuha puts me down.

"Hi, Tohma…"

"Tatsuha, Ryu. We need to talk."

I haven't talked to Tohma since the office incident when I yelled at him and hit Eiri. Me and Kumagoru don't talk to Tohma, because we are still angry. Sometimes Kuma says that maybe we should forgive him already, but we are not sure.

"Ryu I know you are angry at me, but this is serious. I really need to talk to you. Tatsuha, could you leave us alone for a little bit. I will tell you everything later. Please. I would like to talk to Ryu first."

I could just say him to go away…but he looks like shit. He has dark circles around his eyes Must be something serious. Ah. I just can't be so mean…

I step aside. Tohma walks in and Tatsuha tells us that he will be in the kitchen and leaves.

Tohma sits down on the couch.

"You look bad, Tohma. Has something happened."

He sighs and runs fingers thru his hair in a nervous gesture.

"Eiri is in the hospital. He is…you know…his ulcer. And he has had a lot of stress lately. That is not good for him."

"How bad is it?"

"It is bad, but his life is not in danger. "

"Do yoau want **me** to tell Tatsuha?"

"Yes…no…well I can tell Tatsuha myself, but I want you to tell Shuichi."

What! How does he dare! To come here and…

"Why!"

Tohma looks surprised.

"Why?"

"Yes. Why. Why do you want me to tell Shuichi? How dare you, Tohma! How dear you come here and ask me this! I am not going to let you use me as a pawn in your games. I am not going to let you use me to torment Shuichi!"

"No, Ryu, you don't understand…"

"Don't call me Ryu and I am not as dumb as you think! How could you imagine that I am going to help you make Shuichi's life more miserable? You want him to feel guilty again, right? You always blamed Shiching if something was wrong with Eiri. That's just…it is not fair. You were always mean to him and I am sure you said something to Eiri to ruin their relationship. I don't even want to know if you did anything else. Are you ever going to leave him alone? He left Eiri. He is out of his life. Why do you keep pestering him!"

I am almost yelling at him. Well he deserves that! I can't hate him for real. I love Tohma, but this is too much.

"Ryuichi, listen, it is not like that. I can't blame Shuichi for anything. I don't. You are right, I was unfair and I was wrong. I can't take it back. But…Eiri…he is very sick and I just wanted to do something to make him feel better. And Shuichi…I think he can make it better."

Tohma sighs and lifts his head to look at me. I can see confusion and helplessness in his eyes. I can't be mad at him anymore.

"Eiri loves Shuichi. He really does."

I sigh. My anger is gone.

"And what does that change? I know you will do anything for Eiri, but have you thought about Shu? He has feelings. He is not tool. He is not Eiri's toy. Eiri treated him as a toy. He played with Shu when he wanted to and dropped him when he had something better to do and finally he broke him. But I don't think you have noticed that. Shu is not the same Tohma. I didn't explain you then, but that was the reason why I was angry at you. Because you treated Shu badly and you supported Eiri when he treated Shu like a door mat."

"I…I know. You are right. But Shuichi is not doing well without Eiri. I think they need each other. I have no right to ask you anything, but please consider this. Tell Shuichi about Eiri. I would do it myself, but I can't reach him. His assistant Aaron is very…hm…talented."

Tohma stands up. He looks so tired. Ahw! I throw my arms around him in tight hug.

"I am sorry, I am really sorry about Eiri. I know how important he is for you. Sometimes you are a bitch, Tohma, but I love you, you know it, right?"

"And I will think about telling Shuichi."

Should I ask Kuma?

TBC

A/N: Sorry, only one chapter today. I was out yesterday and now I have terrible headache. I am pathetic right now… So even one chapter is heroic act today…


	29. PRETTY PLEASE Part2

Disclaimer: I don't own Gravitation and I just borrow characters to write a fan fiction story with noncommercial intentions. And I hope I don't offend anyone.

A/N: _italics _– for Shuichi's song lyrics

* * *

PRETTY PLEASE Part2

Aaron's POV

I give the phone to Shuichi. Sakuma Ryuichi is calling. He is extremely strange and carries around that pink bunny…as I know he is actually more than thirty years old. Well, I have seen a lot since I am working in show business. But he is a nice guy and not on the "unwelcome" list, so I hand the phone over to Shuichi.

Seguchi Tohma was trying to call several times today. But he is not speaking to Shuichi while I m answering his phone.

It looks like my little Ice is in the decent mood today. He looks almost happy. I guess his date was fine. Shuichi wouldn't tell me any details. He was a little bit upset about publication in newspaper, but it is nothing new recently. Of course it is revolting when you can't make a step without being followed by the flash lights.

I hope Shuichi will never find out about my role in this. And I hope Yuki Eiri saw those pictures.

Shuichi he is talking to Ryuichi…

Wait a minute…Something is very wrong. His face turns pale, eyes blank and his hands are trembling slightly. He drops the phone and falls down on his knees suddenly looking helpless, confused and scared. Something is wrong.

"Shuichi! What happened? What is wrong? Are you Ok? Do you want some water?"

He turns his head away avoiding my eyes. It looks like he is thinking about something.

"Nothing…" Shuichi whispers barely audibly. "Nothing at all…"

Jeah, right. Nothing…

"And what do you mean by nothing?"

He struggles to his feet.

"I…I am leaving…"

"Shuichi, you can't just…we need you…the movie…Shuichi! Wait! You can't just leave! What happened, please explain at least!"

"It is not your b…I am sorry, I must go. It is an emergrncy. But you don't need to worry."

"Emargency? I don't need to worry? What kind of emergency is it if I don't need to worry?"

"I am leaving. I will be fine. I promise. And don't ask anything now."

He doesn't leave me time to say or do anything. He just storms out of the door.

I don't like it. This is not good at all. I need to call Ryuichi and ask what the matter is. I didn't expected that he of all people will say something bad to Shuichi… I need to find out what happened and what can I do about this. Maybe this has something to do with his friends. Something not really bad and… No. I saw his face. And if it is so simple, why didn't he tell me?

I need to tell Nicholas Jordan that Shuichi ran off. He is not going to be pleased…But what is going on? And where is Shuichi now? I hope he is fine…as fine as he can be. He promised. My poor little boy…

Shuichi's POV

I can go home now. Yuki will not be stalking me anymore, maybe never. Depends on how bad it is. It can't be that bad…he can't be in serious danger or dead…I am a fool. I am afraid. And I have ridiculous ideas right now. Being a drama queen.

Arghh! I just want to go and see if he's all right!

Or hurt someone.

And I don't. I can't go. He doesn't want to see me. Why did Ryuichi tell me this? Does he think that me and Yuki that we… There is no we. Ryuichi found out that Yuki is in the hospital because of Tatsuha. It is not like I was supposed to know. It is not like Yuki called me and asked me to come. Would he? Would you like to see me Yuki?. Why Ryu wanted me to know? Maybe I shouldn't just drop the phone and ask him some questions…

Is this my fault? I came back. Yuki had a lot of stress because of me, because of that TV- show and everything. I have always made Yuki worried. Toha was always coming down on me about that. So I was trying hard. Being nice, sweet, and cheerful and doing whatever Yuki wanted. Being there for him when he wanted, leaving him alone when he wanted, sleeping with him when he wanted. Love slave.

And it was always my fault when something was wrong. Maybe it really was. Maybe I just did it again. Something what I did made Yuki sick. I know that stress usually made his condition worse. I am his "stress factor". Did he see the pictures? My dte with Solo. Could that mean anything to him?

That hurts so much. I don't want him to die because of me. I was angry. He has been torturing me recently, but I don't want anything bad happening to him. It is Yuki…

I just need to be alone and think about everything. I really don't know what to do. I hate… I hate my life! I hate Yuki! I hate everything! I hate myself…

I hate that couch! Hate! Hate! Hate!

Symbol of rejection and humiliation. Rejection which means destruction. My destruction. Yuki rejected me. He humiliated me. And I still care and love.

Pathetic! Pathetic! Pathetic!

Tohma's POV

Detective just called me. He said that Shuichi went home. He left work early. I must try to make everything better. I will try.

KNOCK! KNOCK!

Strange. I feel as I usually feel when I am going to talk to Eiri about something important. Ask him something. Persuade him. I am almost intimidated. Intimidated by Shindou Shuichi? That is…hm… No. I more am intimidated because of situation. I am afraid that he will kick me out or will not open the door as Eiri sometimes does.

"Go away!"

I hear someone shouting from inside, no, I am sure it is Shuichi.

"Shindou Shuichi! It is Seguchi Tohma! Please, open the door!"

Silence.

"Leave me alone!"

Some time ago I was able to scare him, blackmail him, persuade him to do something. But now…He is being very Eiri…I kind of know how to deal with Eiri. To certain level of course. I could write a manual "One hundred and two tips or how to deal with ill-tempered and crabby relatives".

"Shuichi! I am not leaving until we talk!"

Nothing.

"I will be waiting here!"

Quiet.

"Please open the door!"

Door flies open. Shuichi is standing in front of it and glaring at me. He looks furious. His hair is disheveled, white cotton shirt crumpled and he has strange gleam in his eyes.

"You will never leave me alone? That would be too much to ask! Fine! Suit yourself! Let's get over with it!"

He walks inside…I think I am allowed to follow.

Shuichi sits down on the floor in the front of couch…black leather couch. Ripped up couch. Oh, god, did he do that? Why? He picks up a knife from the floor and starts playing with it. Eiri never allowed Shu touch knifes, because boy used to cut himself. Then Eiri was complaining about blood all over his place as if he didn't care that boy was hurt.

I want to do something. Make him stop acting like this. I want to make him stop doing whatever he is doing, because it is wrong. But I don't know what to do or say. It is shocking to see Shuichi like this. He was…he was so cheerful and… It was easy to be angry about things he said when we met last time. I don't want to see him becoming like Eiri, hiding his feelings behind hostility and anger. It hurts to see Shuichi like this. And it means Eiri was right.

"Well, Tohma, lets get over with it. Did you come to tell me that Eri is sick and it is my fault? Or…I don't know what else you could say. Go ahead and leave."

"I am not here to blame you."

"Hm," he snorts. "That is something new. Are you not well or something?"

Yes, it hurts. But I deserve that for being oblivious

"I am sorry."

He looks at me with amusement. It is strange, dark amusement amusement.

"No way? Really? About what?"

Here comes sarcasm… I guess I deserve that too.

"I was unfair. I treated you bad. I thought that I new what is better. But I was wrong."

Shuichi drops the knife on the floor and covers face with his hands.

"Why are you saying this? Why! Why can't you just leave me alone?" His voice is cracked.

"Because people care about you. Maybe you don't believe me, but I care about you and…Eiri cares about you…"

"Shut up Tohma! I don't want to hear this!"

I could tell him that Eiri still loves him. I could. But I have no right. I can't say it. Eiri must say it himself.

"I came to ask you…would you…Please, go to Eiri. Visit him in the hospital."

He starts laughing darkly.

"So this is it all about? I don't understand you Tohma. Why did you suddenly want me to go to Eiri? Where is the catch? What do you both want from me? What game are you playing?"

"I know, sometimes I…sometimes I play games, but not this time," well at least less than usually. Hm, I think I am not being honest right now. But, I am as honest as possible. "I have no right to ask you anything. Just think about it. Think about visiting him."

"Yuki is not dying or something?" He tries to be cynical and say it without emotion, but as professional musician I can hear his voice trembling slightly.

"He is not well, but not that bad of course. But still not well. I just wanted to make it better. I can't. You can."

"Leave me alone."

"I will, I am sorry."

I can not make him do anything. I have no right. Maybe I am not fair again. Maybe I should not have came tonight…

Shuichi's POV

_So many times I try to make you understand  
You never tried to see behind my smile_

_If I didn't know you like I do  
I'd get you into the secret in me  
Just because I'm good at fooling you  
When no one's around I walk in your shoes_

_I'm smiling, while lying to you  
I'm smiling, while lying to you  
If you only knew_

_I always try to hide behind a painted smile  
So many tears the public never see (1)_

TBC

* * *

A/N: (1) Credit for the song goes to Mono (Silicone).

I think this chapter is kind of slow ragain. But I think there will be some action next time. And after that I am planning something really...hmm...kind of something big. Of course I am not sure how do you see this, perception differencies etc. But, we will see that!

Thank you for being with me! Your good words make me really happy and I am glad that you enjoy reading. So if you read my story but don't review it – please do it – I want to know your opinion!


	30. SNEAKING

Disclaimer: I don't own Gravitation and I just borrow characters to write a fan fiction story with noncommercial intentions. And I hope I don't offend anyone.

SNEAKING

Shuichi's POV

This is a little bit silly. I know, I know… but it means nothing. Nothing at all. This is not going to change anything. I am just…well…miserable…pathetic…and sneaking in the Juntendo hospital in the middle of night to see my ex lover right now.

I am doing exactly what I shouldn't do.

I mean… this can get me in trouble. This kind of behavior usually gets people in trouble.

When Tohma was leaving my house he left a note. He had written down address, room number, even that Yuki's hospital room is on the fifth floor. Arrgh…that scrap of paper was there on mahogany coffee table, hypnotizing me, nagging me…being there…not going away. Just a note. Damn you Tohma!

And so, now I am trying to sneak unnoticed in Juntendo hospital. Unnoticed? Easy to say…Considering that it is past twelve o'clock in the morning (not visiting hours), considering that Mika or Tohma could be there, considering that if someone recognizes me I will probably be mobbed. As for my camouflage – I have baseball cap and dark sunshades and very regular jeans and black sweatshirt. Nothing to attract any attention.

But it is still not very safe.

Oh…why, why am I doing this? Of course I love him, but that doesn't matter. This is dangerous. Not sneaking in to see someone. Sneaking in to see Yuki. Going to see him on purpose. It is dangerous to my sanity. I can't love him.

I want to see if he's fine. I just can't help it, I need to see, to touch him, to make sure he's still there, he is fine. Maybe I just want to see him badly. And I know that is totally wrong. Maybe this is first step to my destruction.

I have a plan. Actually it is simple. Hospital is busy twenty-four hours. So I just walk in and walk to the fifth floor. And it someone stops me I will say that one of my relatives is in emergency and I got lost. Sneaking in the hospital is not such a big deal.

I need one more plan – what I am going to do if Yuki wakes up while I am in his room. With my bad luck it is probably "when". What will I do then? I could say: "Hi, Yuki! I was looking for bathroom! I need to run now! Bye!" Lousy.

I don't know anything what could help in the situation like that, so I will have to manage without a plan.

Maybe this time I will have at least some luck. Whatever…we will see…

Hm…no one pays me any attention. Doctors and nurses and sometimes other people are walking past me, they all seem to be in hurry and don't even look at me. It is much easier than expected.

I am a bundle of nerves standing there at the door of room 523. Looks like wood, but I am sure it is not wood, something…some fake wood. Oh! What I am doing here! No. This is a mistake. Big mistake. Very big mistake!

I can do it. I can turn around and leave. Yes. I am not going in. I am leaving.

No. I am not.

I put my hand on door-handle. Cold. Steel. Simple motion. And door opens.

It is dark in the room. But not completely. It is never completely dark in Tokyo. City lights… And there is a bed on the other side of hospital room. It is not far, because it is not a big room. No it is very close. Three steps, not more. Yuki is sleeping there, his body is covered with light blue sheet and he is wearing a hospital gown. Hm…I am wondering if it is one of those gowns which come open on the back if one is not careful. But Yuki has nothing to worry about. His backside is rather…nice…

He looks pale. But it is probably because it is dark and people look pale in the dark. So it is Ok, I think.

He is still gorgeous.

I have always loved watching him. I used to sneak back in his bedroom after I was kicked out. I tried to be very quiet and was caught only a couple of times.

I was just sitting down on the floor by his bed and watching my Yuki. He was so calm and peaceful. Like right now. That is not very original, but Yuki looks like an angel when he's sleeping. Almost sweet… pale skin and blond hair. Milk and honey. He has not very manly face, he has delicate features, pointed chin and high cheekbones, soft lips and perfect nose. So calm… he is barely…breathing…Is he breathing?

No! No! No!

I…he must be fine…but I need to make sue. I could listen to his heartbeat, but if I will touch him, he will wake up and… I can try to feel his breathing with my hand…no…my hand is shaking slightly so I will hit him in the face this way. I could try with my cheek. Skin is very sensitive there. If I could put my face close enough, then I could feel it…breathing…make sure. This is ridiculous, but I need to feel his breath…

Only that hospital bed is very high, I have to stretch, carefully leaning over the bed. Being that close to him is weird… I feel strange thrill all over my body and heat rising. Let's just get over with it…

I am leaning over the bed, leaning over Yuki…

Yuki smells like hospital. Oh…he is breathing. Rather heavily. On me. Caressing my cheek with his hot, humid breath…Is he awake?

"What are you doing here?"

Shit! No luck at all…He grabs me by the collar of my sweat-shirt.

I need to say something, right? Can't just stare!

"Lo…Looking for bathroom?"

Were did this come from? Why did I say that…and as question, not answer…fuck…

"Bathroom?"

Then happens something unbelievable…Yuki…he…chuckles…Yuki doesn't laugh…but I hear it…

"That is the silliest thing I have ever heard!"

Yeah…he looks totally amused! Silly! Silly? Am I silly? How you dare to call me…

Whoa!

He pulls me forward on the top of him! What is he doing! My heart beats so fast! I am sure this is a panic attack and I am about to faint. My body on his body! This close!

Oh my God his hand on my…Oh! I know I am blushing madly right now…

"You are cute when you pout."

Mmmm…lips…his lips on mine…so soft and warm… touching …rubbing …caressing…licking…sucking…biting tenderly…kissing me…

So good…

Breathe…can't breathe…

We are both gasping for air.

This is wrong! Terrible! He kissed me! And I was…oh, no, I was kissing him back! And I can't move! My body is numb on the top of Yuki, his hands around my waist. My stomach pressed to his, my chest on his chest…his hot, humid breath caressing my face!

"Visiting hours is over."

His voice is low and husky.

"Well…I…"

What can I say now? What? Lying in Yuki's hospital bed on the top of him! I'm going to die…Just not sure from what…

"But it is nice to have you here anyway."

Is he making fun of me? Bastard! This is embarrassing! I must gather myself together…somehow…

"Will you…ehe…let me go?"

No! No! I must just tell him to let me go, not ask!

"Are you serious?"

"Yuki!"

"I don't know. You are breaking some rules here. Maybe I should keep you like this till someone comes and you get your punishment."

This is getting…must stop it…

"Let me go, Yuki!"

He looks in my eyes…almost sadly…

"I am sorry."

Did he say he is sorry?

He releases my waist and I get up. Now I am sitting on…well on him…straddling his waist. What the hell I am doing! I must get off…get off Yuki…Arhh! That sounds…no, that is…Wrong! Wrong! Wrong! But it is not my fault!

I slid off the bed.

Yuki closes his eyes and frowns…as if he was in pain. I forgot! He's sick!

"Are you…does it hurts?"

He smiles weakly.

"I am fine."

"But you…"

"I will be fine. I am glad you came and I am sorry for…not actually sorry…but I shouldn't have done it. Without asking, I mean. Maybe…"

Jerk! What is this? Lousiest apology I have heard! He new from the beginning that I am in the room and then when I was…he took the chance. Bastard!

"It is nothing. That didn't mean anything. I surprised you and you…you were surprised…" lousy, lousy and lousy! What I am talking! "Lets just forget about it."

He looks straight in my eyes. His gaze makes my knees wobbly.

"Give me your hand."

What…

"Why?"

"Why not?"

Why not! Well… If I refuse, he will think that I am afraid or something…Fine! He is sick after all…and I am here. And I must make this visit look like it was nothing. Didn't mean anything. I guess I can just give him my hand if it is that important. It is nothing…

I give him my hand. His fingers touch mine, brushing skin tenderly… No… I am loosing my breath…

No! I jerk back.

"I just wanted to see if you are fine! I must go now!"

"Wait! Shuichi!"

No! I shouldn't have come.

TBC

* * *

A/N: So how was it? I hope you understood that Shu was going to hospital that late, because he didn't want anyone to see him. It is sometimes hard to write POV style – for example describe being kissed in the first person. Yuki was kind of strange I think. But I saw him like that… maybe he is drugged. Well I could write this chapter from his POV, but I think I will not be doing that, because I have a really important next chapter to write, well something important is going to happen, if I will not decide to change anything. But I am afraid it will take some time. 


	31. THE END?

Disclaimer: I don't own Gravitation and I just borrow characters to write a fan fiction story with noncommercial intentions. And I hope I don't offend anyone.

THE END?

Shuichi's POV

It is over. It ends here and now. It is nonsense. As much as I am drawn to Yuki, nothing can be between us.

I love him, but that doesn't matter, because he will never love me as much as I love him. That will only hurt me. Destroy me. Kill me. We can't be together.

I will stay away from him. I must stay away. It is too easy to loose my head when Yuki is close. Only thing I can do is keep my distance. I want to forget everything what happened between us. All the pain and despair, loneliness and disappointment which relationship with Yuki brought me.

I will not lie to myself. I know that he wants something from me. Maybe he wants me back. He probably wants everything as it was. I don't want everything as it was. I love him, but I can't bear constant rejection. Bits of love are not enough.

I am not going to be a fuck toy. I can't let him play with my heart. There is nothing much to play with anyway, it has been broken long time ago…Actually Yuki would be happy to have me without heart…like a doll…no feelings…no pleas for love. But I am not a doll. I have a heart. It is broken, but is still there.

I will forget him. Maybe I will find someone else. Yes. I will try to be wit Solo. He is nice and a good person. He is handsome. His incredibly green eyes are so alive and friendly and he smiles at me as Yuki never had. I will ask Aaron to make sure that Solo is invited to the party on Tuesday.

It is one of regular parties for showbiz people. I need to be there and look presentable, be nice to important people. Even if I don't like them. I feel like a whore sometimes. I don't have to sleep with them of course, but anyway. My luck that no one expects me to be really nice. I have my Ice image. I am a little, nasty, spoiled star. But it is irritating anyway.

This time I will use the party to make my move on Solo. Aaron will be slaphappy.

I have made my decision.

Yuki's POV

Hm…Tohma…Is it good or bad sign, if first person I sees when I open my eyes in the morning is Tohma? Good or bad, but nothing new.

"Go away…"

"Good morning Eiri!"

Fuck you!

It is not necessary to be so cheerful this early in the morning!

"Go away…"

"I see you are doing better Eiri."

Oh yeah? I finally open my eyes to give him annoyed glare.

"I talked to the doctor Nishida. You will be able to go home in two days."

And?

"Why are you scowling Eiri? These are good news! I guess you are still not a morning person."

Oh, I was supposed to pounce on him, kiss him all over his face and say something like 'Laliho', right?

"I didn't sleep much last night."

"I am sorry Eiri. Why? Are you still in pain?"

No, mother…

"No, Tohma…I am fine, it is something else…If you really need to know…sure…you always need to know. Why am I asking at all? Fine! Shuichi was here."

He smiles slightly.

"And how it was? I mean…"

"It was fine, considering I was drugged dizzy and hence dumb and happy."

"Oh… I was expecting him to come. I saw him hose yesterday and I was sure, he was concerned about you."

If Tohma somehow forced Shuichi to visit me…

"What did you tell him?"

"Nothing much. I just left the address. Eiri, there is something I want to tell you…I must admit his behavior scared me. You should have seen that…I don't know if I should do anything about that or say someone, but he is acting very strange. I don't think he is…he looks depressed. And I think he was blaming himself for what happened."

"It is not his fault."

"Can I ask you a question? Are you angry at him because of those pictures? I think they don't mean anything and…you know paparazzi."

I almost roll my eyes.

"I am angry. Do you want me to see my boyfriend close to another man and stay calm? If I wasn't dizzy yesterday I would have done something I would regret later. So I am glad I was."

"And if you need to know – I am not worse only because of those pictures, this is just a coincidence. I have been inattentive lately. I forgot to take those fucking pills. And shut up immediately – I am not going to listen to stern maternal speech right now."

Tohma sighs and looks at me sadly. Yeah…I know I am beyond redemption.

No straight to the business.

"Tohma I need you to do something. You offered me to go on vacation. Take holiday. Fine. I agree. I am leaving. I want you to prepare everything for that. So, I can leave the hospital in two days? That will be Monday, right? I know you will be able to arrange everything till that time. Oh, stop looking at me like that and listen! I have made my decision."

TBC

A/N: Can I stop there? No, I am not a monster and I am afraid that someone will get a heart attack or nervous breakdown. So, go to next chapter and find out what happens next. I would like to now what you think about this cliff-hanger.

**To Reviewers:** Thank you for nice words. I love your reviews very much and they make me more responsible – I can't make people wait too long.

**Flame-chan:** about asking for hand – Why? 1)Yuki was just dizzy; 2)Yuki just waned to hold Shu's hand; 3) After Shuichi said that their kissing doesn't mean anything Yuki wanted to prove, that Shu is wrong by touching him.


	32. BAD LIMO

BAD LIMO

Shuichi's POV

The party is not that bad. I am almost having a good time. Almost.

I met my friends. I talked to Hiro and Ayaka. They are really happy together. Ryuichi is with Tatsuha of course. Actually Tatsuha seems to be more mature than Ryu. Well it is not very hard; everyone older than ten is more mature than him.

I talk to Sakano who is almost relaxed. And K of course… That is amusing. Aaron's expression is priceless when K is showing me his new semi automatic bla, bla, bla big gun with something bla, bla, bla what makes it extremely deadly. It seems Aaron thinks K is a psycho and he is watching my former manager suspiciously, when he is around me.

Only one thing. Maybe I am being paranoid, but they are all asking how I am doing, do I feel good, am I having fun tonight, bla, bla, bla…it is more interrogation, than simply asking. They seem to be concerned. This is definitely not what I need right now…. Or maybe I am just being paranoid…

I talked to Solo. It was pleasant as always. Well, I could not spend a lot of time with him, because my manager came and drag me away, to introduce to some **important** people. Yeah…these parties are more like work, kind of overtime. But Solo just smiled and told me he understood. He promised to call me. I tried to smile back, but well, I feel strange in his presence…I don't know…he is great and everything, but I feel uptight somehow.

When he is looking at me I see tenderness, longing, even adoration in his eyes. That is a little bit intimidating. I don't think I deserve any of this. I don't deserve anyone like him. I feel like hypocrite. And I am comparing him to Yuki all the time. It is too hard not to think about Yuki, especially when I see Tatsuha and Ryu. Tatsuha reminds me of Yuki… I must stop this right now or I will think about him all night.

I see Mika. She is just staring at me. She looks angry. That lady can be really scary. I am glad that she doesn't approach me. I am not in the mood. If Mika is here…Is Tohma here too? And Yuki…

"Shindou Shuichi, how are you doing?"

Tohma is here.

What the fuck! He is being nice to me now? After everything I have told him? Now he is smiling at me like nothing has ever happened between us.

"Thank you Tohma. I am fine."

I give him an icy glare. What do you want Tohma?

"Are you sure? Maybe you need anything?"

What the… Is it concern? Is Seguchi concerned about me…why? I thought he would volunteer to dig a grave if I agreed to die in sudden death and dance on my grave. Hmm…but actually he was already acting strange when he came to tell me about Yuki. He said he was sorry and…well I was not in my right mind then, so I didn't take much notice.

"It is not your business actually, but, thanks, I am fine."

"Shuichi, last time when we talked I apologized you for being unfair. I still mean it."

"It is fine Tohma. I don't need your apologies. Just leave me alone."

Hm…what is that? His expression is very strange now…apologetic, guilty, amused…what are you up to Seguchi?

"I am still sorry. Sometimes I am too…oh you know."

Touché!

"Too obsessed with Yuki Eiri, you mean?"

Ouch. No mercy…sorry, Tohma…

But he keeps smiling, it is almost acquiescent smile.

"It is not what you are thinking."

"How do you know what I am thinking?"

"You told me." Yeah…right. "I was ignorant and I hurt you Shuichi. I am sorry."

Why! Why? Why do you care! Why I am suddenly important! Why is he doing this? Why is he telling me this now! My eyes…I need to get away from here or I will burst into tears… This should not be important; this should not hurt that much…I can't let Tohma see me crying…

"Why are you here saying these things to me! Did Yuki finally lost his patience, threw you out and you need someone new to pamper?"

"Yuki is leaving Tokio tonight."

Wha…t… this leaves me speechless…Yuki…leaving….how is it possible…why…tonight? I don't believe that…I want to run to him, hold him tight and tell him not to leave, not to leave me…I…I will not do anything. I will go home. Get stoned or kill myself. No, stoned. Ha, ha, ha…oh…I am laughing quite aloud now… Tohma is looking at me like I was a madman… Hysterical laughing could be scary…Ok, I really need a joint now.

"By, Tohma!"

"Shuichi!"

"It is late, I am going home."

I just need to get my limo.

Yuki is leaving. That is good thing, right. The best for us both.

I leave the room delighted that no one notices me or I will not be able to get away this easy. Maybe I should find Solo and ask him to hold me tight and stop me from doing anything stupid. Why do I feel as if I had a leaden heart…heavy heart…

I ask a hotel attendant to call my limo. My manager insisted on limo. I would prefer just taxi… Aha, there it is…hotel employee opens the door and I climb in. I sigh. It is over, finally. I will have some time to think about everything or to forget about…

Wha…

This can't be true I am seeing things. I need to get out! I check the door it is closed – automatic lock.

"It is nice to see you, Shuichi."

Shit!

"What the hell are you doing in my limo?"

"Your limo? Maybe this is my limo."

"No! This is my…fine whatever! Make it stop! I am getting out!"

"We can share. I don't mind."

"But I do! What are you doing here, Yuki? You should be leaving Tokyo…Tohma said…"

What is he playing? What is he doing here?

"Tohma wasn't lying. I **am** leaving Tokyo. I am having a couple of days off. Vacation."

"But…but…why are you here in my limo then?"

He makes a sigh as if he was tired from answering my silly questions.

"Actually this is really my limo and I am going on holiday as I said."

"But…why…what…"

"Why are you here?" I just nod. Words are not coming out suddenly. "It is self-evident. You are coming with me."

"**What! Are you out of your mind?"**

TBC

A/N: I hope this is at least a little bit unexpected. I was thinking about writing two or three more chapters and then updating, but, nah, I can't leave people without anything for that long. Stay tuned! Vacation? Yuki and Shu together? Hm…


	33. VACATION

Disclaimer: I don't own Gravitation and I just borrow characters to write a fan fiction story with noncommercial intentions. And I hope I don't offend anyone.

VACATION

Shuichi's POV

"You are coming with me."

"**What! Are you out of your mind?"**

Did he just say that I am…he is…no…

"What kind of question is this? Do I have to answer it?"

"Logical question! Why am I coming with you? Are you kidnapping me?"

Am I amusing? It looks like he finds this amusing going by his expression.

"This is rather harsh statement. I would say – taking on vacation."

You…you!

"Taking someone against his will is kidnapping, you moron!"

"Extreme measures are necessary in some situations. Besides I think it is rather sweet to make a surprise taking your boyf… an old friend on a trip."

"What…this is nonsense! You have no right to do this! Stop the car and let me out! Hey! Mister, limo driver, please open the door! This man is here is a maniac! He is kidnapping me against my will! Stop the car immediately!"

I am banging on the frosted glass which separates us from driver's seat, but there is no result. The driver must be Yuki's accomplice! What can I do now?

"You can't take me with you anywhere! People will be worried and I…I must work! You know…the movie!"

"I know you don't have to work. You have three days off and don't worry about people, they will be fine."

How does he know that I don't have to work till Saturday?

"But I don't want to go anywhere! Especially with you. You have no right to do this! Let me out immediately!"

How can the bastard sit there and look so calm! What is he trying to do? This is madness!

"Shut up and stop romping about! This is not how one should behave in the car; you are distracting the driver and giving me a headache."

That…that is…bastard! Yuki Eiri, you, son of the bitch!

"How you dare!"

Yuki looks straight in my eyes.

"Please, calm down. This car will stop only when it will reach its destination and you can't do anything about it, so better enjoy the ride. We have six hours. Do you wan to read something? I brought you some of those manga books. Do you still like that crap? Or maybe you are hungry? Or cold. You can change if you want. Those leather pant's doesn't look very comfortable."

"I don't want anything from you! I will not take anything from you! And keep your hands off my pants! Were you planning this?"

"Naturally."

That bastard! He is sitting there in the front of me as if this situation was perfectly normal! I will kill him!

Yuki's POV

Naturally I was planning this. Abducting people is not a regular thing for me. Well Tohma on the contrary was too comfortable with everything I asked him to do for me. Sometimes I wonder where his willingness to please me stops. I think I don't want to know. Well, once we almost…but I was drunk… Oh…well…this time it suits me.

At first Tohma was surprised. Then he agreed that this is not a bad idea and helped me arrange everything. I don't want to waist more time and let Shuichi run away again. I want him back in my flat, in my life, in my bed and he will be wherever I want him to be doesn't matter how much time and effort that takes. He is mine and he will always be mine and I want to be with him, I want to touch him and hold him, love him and take care of him and protect him.

I will never let him go. Not this time. Whatever it takes. I have not wanted to win somebody's heart for long time. Once I did, but that…I will not think about that. But now I am sure. I love him. I know I treated him bad. As all people around me. I probably broke his heart.

My own heart is breaking, when I think that I broke my little, gentle baka. I must make it right. The only thing I can do is show him my love and caring. I should be able to be nice to person I love, right? I write romantic novels for Gods sake! This time it is different. I know I can allow myself to love him and I will do it. I must change for one I love.

Well…he is having a tantrum now. Yelling at the top of his voice. I already expected something like that.

"I don't want anything from you! I will not take anything from you! And keep your hands off my pants! "

Hm…can't promise that. Those pants definitely look good on him, but as I know that he will look even better without them…

"Were you planning this?"

"Naturally."

His expression is worth something. Shuichi is so amusing when he is flushed red and angry.

"You bastard! Arsehole! Git! Moron! Son of the bitch!"

"Thanks. Is it all you got?"

Shuichi's face is red and he ha clenched his fists.

Hey! He jumps on me and grabs the collar of my shirt. Is he going to fight with me? If he's going to convince me to let him go sitting on my lap, straddling my legs and pulling my clothes off…no, it is not going to work. But he is probably to angry to notice suggestiveness of his position. Mmm…I am starting to notice…certainly…He's banging with his small, delicate fists against my chest and yelling at me. Should I let him go on for a while and have some fun, or have my fun? No, not now, this is not the right time...

I catch his hands and push him off me. Then I quickly turn him over and pull back in my lap pressing his back against my chest and locking his hands to his sides with mine in firm embrace.

I bend my head…mmm…my love smells so good…and whisper in his ear:

"Shh…I don't want to hurt you and I don't let you to hurt yourself."

Maybe I am wrong, but I think my closeness and my voice makes him shiver. I can't hold back smile. He doesn't answer me. Ah…silence treatment…Ok. I don't mind. I pull him up and a little bit closer to make our position more comfortable. He is not struggling anymore, I guess he is exhausted. This has been a long night.

Maybe I should feel some guilt because of this. But I can't regret anything when he is here with me. I hold my Shu savoring his sweet scent and closeness of his lithe body. No, I don't regret taking the matter in my own hands. I will take responsibility and I will take care of my baby. And if he doesn't want it, he will. I always get what I desire; only I haven't desired anything for years. Now I do.

Shuichi's breathing has became calm and rhythmic. My love has fallen asleep.

I gently stroke few strands of his silky hair away from his eyes and place a kiss on his temple.

"Sweet dreams…love."

It is not so hard to say it. I wish I could say it when he is awake and hears me…I hope he will give me a second chance.

Shuichi's POV

There is something soft…and warm…and fluffy around me…Feels so good…mmm…blanket…Light…light in my eyes…too bright. Don't want to wake up yet…

What! Where am I? Yesterday…oh…limo…Yuki… Maybe it was just a dream?

But what is this place? This is not my room! Walls in my room are dark and my sheets are black satin, but those are white cotton and this beige, fluffy comforter is not mine. And the room is lightsome, walls are beige and there is that large window and wicker furniture. There are flowers on the nightstand. White roses. Whose bed is this?

Shit! I think I am naked…huh…almost naked.

Did Yuki take me here?

TBC

* * *

A/N: **wendyghost: **You wrote "shu needs a strong hand, someone has to be the man in the relationship" - yeah, that is the main idea. I guess that Eiri will be a little bit out of character about Shu, but I think that he is a man who takes what he wants if he wants something. And he is sure that he want Shuichi. 

**Question:** _To those people who want to see Yuki and Shu together at the end _- do you want to know now what I am planning. I can tell you, if you want. Or I can keep it secret. You can decide.


	34. BREAKFAST

Disclaimer: I don't own Gravitation and I just borrow characters to write a fan fiction story with noncommercial intentions. And I hope I don't offend anyone.

Shuichi's POV

I am in a room. The room must be in a house or apartment. Ok, let's explore this place. I have a feeling that Yuki is somewhere around, after all I guess I fell asleep in his arms yesterday.

I don't half like this situation.

Of course I should put some clothes on first. They are neatly folded lying on the chair next to bed. When I think about Yuki undressing me... that turns my cheeks hot.

I walk to the door to check if it is locked. It isn't. So this is not a really bad, scary kind of kidnapping. Yeah… it would be too much… I have my doubts, but I think even Yuki is not that crazy. Actually I am sure that he haven't brought me hear to hold for ransom. I am sure there must be some kind of reason behind this plot. I fear to think about Yuki's real intentions.

There are some other doors in the hall and I see the stairs, so this is apparently a two storied house. Nothing much to loose, so I guess I'll just climb down.

This looks like really nice house. Furniture and walls are beige or white. The living room is airy and alight. And I can see pool outside thru the glass wall. Where the fuck am I?

I hear a noise. Kitchen kind of noise – dishes clattering… I guess someone is there, cooking, probably the breakfast and I have my suspicions… I am afraid this is really not just a strange dream and I know who it is.

I feel depressing heaviness on my chest. I feel trapped.

I have no choice, but to face this challenge.

So I walk in the kitchen. There is Yuki. He is standing by the stove. I can see only his back. Does he know that I am standing here?

"Did you sleep well?"

Of course he knows. He didn't even have to turn around to see me coming in.

'Did you sleep well?' Bastard!

"Where am I? What is this place?" I try to do my best to keep my voice composed. My excellent acting ability has tendency to fail when Yuki is around.

"Don't you like it here?"

He has a gall to ask!

"What!"

"I asked, don't you like it here," Yuki repeats patiently.

"Like? Why should I like it? How can I like it? I even don't know where I am!"

"This place is very likable. Nice cottage, peaceful and beautiful surroundings. Besides it is really quiet here – no telephone, no other houses around. So no one will bother us here." Yeah…I guess I got the idea – no one will find us here. I am doomed to stay trapped here with him.

"Don't say that you are going to throw a hissy fit this early in the morning? Have some coffee or tea or orange juice or some kind of nervine. Breakfast will be ready in a moment."

"I don't want your breakfast! I want to know where we are and I want to go home!"

"Home? And where is that?" Yuki snorts.

I want to yell at him! Shout. Ask him why he must be so mean. Tell him that I once hoped that my home will be where he is, before he destroyed my hopes. It hurts.

I must get away from here. Find a phone and call Aaron. Or having Yuki so close will drive me crazy.

"We will eat outside by the pool. Go ahead. I will bring the food."

"I am not hungry and I am not going to eat your food!"

I don't want to surrender. I want to show him!

"That's fine, I have to warn you that I have a pair of handcuffs somewhere and I am really eager to try them out. I can always chain you to the stool or somewhere and force-feed you," the bastard states as a matter of fact.

To the stool or somewhere else? I gulp, probably loudly. That sounds kind of kinky… Knowing Yuki, he will really do it. He is not like everyone else. Yuki can be scary like that.

I guess I have no choice. I give him an angry glare and walk out. There is a table and two chairs by the pool. Plates, glasses, cutlery and napkins are already on the table. I sit down and wait.

I really don't see any houses around. Only trees. Nowhere I can run and ask for help. Shit!

Yuki comes out carrying a tray with food. I am sitting and watching him trying to put all of the hate I feel in my glare. He puts a piece of omelet on the plate in front of me and it certainly looks good. Besides there are some mushrooms, fried ham and salad. Yuki has always been a good cook. Of course everyone is better cook than me, but anyway.

"It is not drugged," he states picking up his chopsticks.

I give Yuki one more venomous glare and start eating. Of course it is good, but I have a lump in the throat.

"So, how is your work? I mean your movie…"

"Why are you asking?"

"To sustain a pleasant conversation?"

"I don't want any pleasant conversations with you. Actually I don't want to speak with you at all!" You jerk!

"Then we will be very bored for next three days."

"You have always asked me to shut up. And now you are asking me to talk. Don't you have your lap top with you and a deadline coming?"

"Of course not. This is holiday."

"That has never stopped you before."

"You should know that things change."

I know that some things never change. I must find a way to get back to Tokyo or I am afraid that I will find out how things don't change the hard way...

"Fine. My work is fine. At least it was until now. You know missing one of the leading actors will do no good for it."

"Don't worry. You will be back on Saturday as I promised."

"Listen, Yuki, this is ridiculous! Why don't you just let me go home? Or just give me the phone and I will call someone to pick me up. Aaron must be going crazy right now."

Yuki says nothing and there is uncomfortable silence for a moment. Then he scowls at me…

"Aaron? So there is something going n between you and that moron?"

"It is none of your business," I feel really good reminding him that my life, especially my private life is none of his business.

Yuki has stopped eating. He gives me a pensive look. Yuki is as collected as usually, but his eyes…there is anger in his eyes. Is he jealous? He has no right to be.

Maybe if I piss him off enough he will throw me out? I have always been good at that, even without trying.

"My business is what I choose it to be. Is it 'yes' then?"

Ah…I can't tell outrageous lie about it even if I would be the best…

"We are very close," I manage to show him as indecent smirk as I can.

"Close?" He gives me inquisitive look and then smiles slightly or it is rather sneer. "Well…That doesn't matter."

Why? What was that? What do you mean by that Yuki?

Anyway…I don't have any answer to that. Too confusing. And it is getting worse and worse.

Yuki empties his coffee mug and lights a cigarette. I can't finish eating. I can't eat when I am under so much stress! And Yuki sitting across the table is b **too /b ** much stress.

"You should eat more."

"And you should stop smoking and take me back to Tokyo. I believe you are not going to do that. So don't tell me what I should or shouldn't do."

"If you don't know what is and what is not good for you, then you need someone who tells you that."

"And you are going to be that person?"

Fucking unbelievable!

"If you insist…"

My plan is not working! He is the one who is pissing me off!

"You are still wearing the same clothes. If you want to change go to your room, there must be something in your closet."

My room? Ha! Well, but I am not going to miss a chance to get away from him. And I need a shower. I will go back to 'my room' and take a shower. I need to relax a little bit and think. Three days with Yuki? How bad could it be? Crushing. Murderous. Lethal. What does he want?

I get out of the shower and open one of the closets. There are really some clothes. Shorts, T-shorts and sweaters and socks and underwear and even sandals which are my size. Should I be scared? Have Yuki bought me clothes? It is just impossible. Yuki has never bought me anything. Except a dinner sometimes. And strawberry -flavored condoms…

And now he goes and buys me clothes… Why? Did he bring me here to get me into bed? Is he doing this to have his way with me? Or to persuade me to return to him? I don't even know which one is worse.

I can't even think about it! I can't… It scares me… t hurts me.

I need to calm down. If it is possible.

I look at the closes in the closet. Bright colors mostly. I don't wear anything like this anymore. But I don't have a choice. Fine. Whatever. I just put on a pair of khaki shorts and a red T-shirt.

And what should I do now? I can just lie down on the bed and fret for a while.

Yuki's POV

I washed up the dishes and took a shower. I hope Shuichi will appreciate the clothes. Then I found my cell phone and called Tohma. He agreed to help me with one condition - that I will call him at least once a day to assure him that everything's fine. Besides I want to know what is happening at Tokyo now.

I bet everyone is mobbing Tohma right now. Or at least those who know him well. I owe him for that. Even if he is probably enjoying the whole being in control thing and distributing the information as his highness wishes… Of course it is not like I am going to recompense him anything, but I still owe him something.

So I call my brother in law.

Tohma informs me that everything is better than he expected. He told Aaron Flemings everything and the guy was as furious as he had expected and almost hit my brother-in-law.

Nevertheless Tohma somehow managed to convince the American not to say anything to anyone else and not to call police or whatever, because it will do no good for Shuichi anyway. If something would get out it would be too much publicity.

It is ludicrous, but the guy is going cover for us if someone of Shu's friends or employees will to find him. So everything's fine if no one decides to start looking for Shuichi very hard. And of course Aaron is going to kill me when we get back.

Ok, I guess Shuichi has had enough time to take a shower and t on some clothes. Besides I am getting bored.

TBC


	35. DINNER

Shuichi's POV

KNOCK! KNOCK!

"Go away!" I yell at him, even I suspect that no matter how loud I am, it is not going to change anything.

I hear the door open anyway. Have he ever heard of such thing as privacy?

"I told you to leave me alone."

"That's impossible. We are going for a walk."

"No."

"Ok, we can just stay here."

I can't see him, because I am lying on my stomach and covering my head with a pillow. But I can hear him and I can feel him. Yuki sits down on my bed! Walk! Outside! Now!

"Fine! Whatever! Let's go!"

I roll to the other side of the bed and spring on my feet. Maybe too quickly… I guess it could look like I am scared. It is not like I am… no, it is. I am scared, pissed off, confused, depressed and there is something else I am not ready to admit yet. Not even to myself. But who could really blame me for being a bit jumpy right now?

Yuki just smirks. As if he can ready my every thought. I hate him!

We leave the house. There is a driveway, but except that – only trees. Mostly pines. And air is somehow different than in Tokyo here. It smells fresh. Yuki turns around and walks right in the wood, no, there is a path. I could try to run away, but where? So I just follow. And I must admit that I am a bit curious to see what is around here. But only a bit.

We just walk. We are not talking or anything. It is still awkward - to spend so much time with Yuki now. After so long. We keep walking and it I getting kind of colder, I guess I know why. We are not far from ocean.

Yuki took me to the ocean. Wow!

Ok, I must stop 'wowing', it is nice, but Yuki is still a bastard. Of course I am slightly exited. I just love ocean! I want to see it! I am about to bite my own leg to stop myself from jumping like an idiot. Of course Yuki always called me 'idiot'. But I don't want to prove that he was right again. I don't want to be an idiot…

At last I see it! I smell it! I feel it. Salty wind caressing my cheeks.

It is so beautiful…inexpressible greatness, power and eternity. So much water… It is so powerful, thrilling and calming at the same time…

"I knew you will like it."

I feel him standing behind me. I hear him whispering in my ear… I feel his hands on my shoulders. I know his hands; they are pale and delicate, but strong and bigger than mine with long fingers. I feel a wave of heat flowing through my body as I feel those hands touching me.

I shake his hands off me.

"I have nothing against b **the ocean.**" /b 

I leave him and run to the water – I want to touch it. I would like to build a sand castle, but I don't want to be such a child. Castles and dreams are for children. I am trying to be an adult now.

We walk for a while. Yuki leaves me alone. But I feel his eyes on me. I try not to pay attention.

"Let's go back." He finally says. I just follow and we return on the path.

Suddenly Yuki snatches my hand.

"Hey! What are you…"

"You are freezing." He states, and his jacket falls on my shoulders, it too big of course and smells like cigarettes and Yuki. Two years ago I would have jumped out of my skin if Yuki was so caring. Now it feels like old wounds reopening. I don't say anything I just start walking faster. To keep a distance.

Yuki's POV

Shuichi shudders every time I try to touch him. Of course I understand that. I can imagine how badly I have hurt him. But I am not going to step back. I will be the selfish bastard once more and pursue my ex-lover and I hope it will turn out good.

It is simple. I just can't live without him.

I can tell that he is tired after we return to cottage. He is not used to so much fresh air and walking. I ask him if he is hungry and wants anything before dinner is ready. Of course Shuichi refuses. 'No' is his new mantra.

Then I tell him to watch TV or do whatever he wants until I make dinner. He takes off my jacket and goes upstairs. I can start making pasta Fettuccini Alfredo.

My heart is heavy. The way Shuichi acts, the way he looks at me… he is a living proof of my failure…no, not failure, a fatal mistake… This is hard. It hurts. I deserve it.

I set the table in the dinning room. With candles and flowers. Well, this is embarrassing. I used to say that romantic is shit and only dumb women will buy on something like that, flowers and shit. It is good only for dumb women and to sell books to dumb women. And now I am trying to be romantic. Kind of. The idea is being nice and show him that I care and that I can be good boyfriend. But it turns out kind of romantic. Embarassing. This is the first time when I try to court anyone. But, hey, I am Yuki Eiri. I am sure I can pull this off. I have managed not to insult Shu That's a good sign.

Shuichi's POV

I wake up and realize that I have been sleeping. I guess I dozed off after I came back from the walk… Someone is knocking on the door; of course I know who it is…

"Shuichi? Dinner is ready. Come down."

"Okey."

Damn. This sounds almost natural. Normal. Must be because I am still sleepy and don't understand what I am doing or talking.

I should make him wait, take a long shower or something…

It's dark on the first floor. There is only some light coming from the kitchen and the dinning room. I guess I will try the dinning room, I am not sure if I am allowed in the kitchen anyway. Yuki told me once that I am banished from his kitchen. I am not sure if Yuki thinks of the kitchen in this house as his.

Oh, Shit! Candles and flowers! Almost looks like a romantic dinner. Wow… I guess Yuki finally lost it. If I wasn't giving him silent treatment I would ask him to kick me to make sure that I am not asleep and dreaming. Maybe I could hit him first and then he would kick me back – no exchange of words needed…

"You can sit down,"

He speaks up behind me without a warning. It gives me a start.

Is Yuki trying to be romantic? With me? Because of me? Surreal. It is scary.

Is it still possible that I give in to whatever he wants just because he is being nice? Do whatever he asks me to do? He hasn't asked anything yet, but I know from experience that, if Yuki is nice, he wants something.

Well till today I could never say 'nice' about Yuki, more like – not so particularly cruel. But now he is being extremely nice. Like a different person.

Oh, there are some photos on the shelf. It is too dark and I can see from here, but if I will take a closer look I am sure I will find out whose house is this.

Damn. I should have guessed. Damn!

There is a picture with Yuki. He's not smiling of course. There is one with Tatsuha and Yuki and Mika. And 'Nittle Gasper' and Tohma and Mika together. That means…

I hear something behind me. I turn around. Yuki puts a stewpot on the table. I want to put my hands around his neck and squeeze it hard.

"How dare you take me to Tohma's house!"

He just crosses his arms on the chest and stares at me not saying anything. Grhh!

"I asked you! How dare you? Does that bastard know about this? Is this one of his plots how to make my life more miserable?"

Fuck! I hate him.

"Is your life miserable?"

Of course – using my words against me. How typical. Only I am not that stupid anymore.

"My life was perfectly fine until yesterday. Whatever it is it's mine and I don't miss anyone manipulating me or messing with my life. Especially Seguchi Tohma. All I want is you and him as far from me as possible. Is that too much to ask?"

"Maybe."

I bet I already have those ugly red spots on my cheeks. I am so angry!

"Yeah, I guess it would be too good. And of course if you are near Tohma is somewhere around. Sometimes I wonder if there is a navel-cord connecting you both."

Ha just frowns.

"Are you jealous?"

"Jealous? Hardly. Why? Because he wants to spread his legs for you and would propose to bear your child if a male could get pregnant? Or is there anything else I don't know about? I am not jealous. I am really not sure what he does for you. I can't say that Tohma is not attractive, but he is not my type. You can keep him."

"What is your type then?" He asks me not showing any emotion.

I think I am going to kill him…

Yuki's POW

He is furious. I decide that our little dispute is getting out of control.

"We can discuss this later; the dinner is getting cold,"

Surprisingly he doesn't object. I guess Shuichi is tired of fighting. He sits down at the table chewing on his lip, apparently trying to keep himself from blurting out everyting what's coming on his little, busy mind at the moment.

I am serving him pasta and wishing I could chew on that lip for him.

TBC


	36. BOOM

Shuichi's POV

The food is nice. It is always nice. Yuki is one of those people who is good at everything he does.

So I direct all my attention to the meal. I don't even look at him. Ha!

I know that he is looking at me. I feel his goldenbrown orbs on me; they burn more than any fire. I try to eat, pretend that the meal is all that matters. I stab at it angrily. Each bite is harder and harder to swallow. Finally I give up and drop the fork.

"What is the matter now," he asks.

"Stop staring at me!"

"You are asking me to do impossible."

"Why!" As soon as I spit out the question, I know that I have made a mistake by asking this, my big mouth be damned.

Yuki looks amused. The prick!

"Because I like what I see too much,"

I don't want to answer that. I cross my arms over my chest and look sidewards at the drawing on the wall.

Yuki is smoking.

He has something to do at least. I have just some drawing to stare at.

I hate this. I have had enough!

I jump to my feet, snatch that damned cigarette from his mouth and stub it on my plate.

Then I blow up.

"Stop! Stop this right now! I am sick of these games and…I am sick and tired of people who want something from me." I should just go somewhere and live alone. This movie career was bad idea. I am tired, I want to be alone.

"Tell me, what you want Yuki, I will give it to you and you will leave me alone, okay? Is it sex? You usually wanted sex when you were nice to me. Are you trying to woo me? Fine. If you needed to get over me or just because…I don't know why…I can do it. It is not such big deal; it is not like we haven't done it before. Just…just say what you want…okay…"

Yuki's POV

No! Fuck! No!

Where is he getting those ideas?

Have I done everything wrong again?

Shuichi stops talking and falls on his knees in front of me. Tired. Sad. What can I do? I don't know what to do when other people are sad, I usually don't care enough to do anything.

Oh, fuck it… I don't know what… everything… Shu is all what matters. I sit down on the floor, wrap my hands around him and pull him as close as I can without actually breaking all the bones in his small body.

"Shut up, Shuichi. Don't talk like that."

I pull him closer, if it's even possible, and it's somehow still not close enough. I brush my cheek against the silky skin of his cheek and press my lips to his neck. His skin is so warm and he smells so much like him.

"I don't want to sleep with you…well I don't mean that I don't want you… I do… I always do, but not like that," oh, God, here I am babbling and stammering like complete idiot.

"I am sorry, Shuichi. I am sorry about a lot of things. I don't want you just in my bed. I want you back. In my life, in my flat. Everywhere."

"Yuki…I can't."

"I am not going to leave you. I need you. I will not leave you alone until you will return to me or until I will be sure that you don't love me anymore. No, I won't leave you even if you will stop loving me, I'll just make you to fall in love with me again."

He tries to push me away, his little hands; small fists against my chest are useless.

"Let me go, Yuki," he begs.

"Never,"

"I hate you…"

"I know,"

"You will never let me go?"

"Never,"

I let him sit back. I take his face in my hands and look in the large amethyst eyes.

"I love you, Shuichi."

His eyes fill with tears and soon they run freely down his cheeks.

"Damn it! Don't cry, Shu, don't! I can't see you like that."

I kiss both of his cheeks, I kiss away his tears. I wish I could takeaway the pain behind those tears as easily.

"Come now," I help him stand up. Then I put my hand oh his bum and lift him up. Shuichi wraps his hands around my neck and his long, slim legs around my waist the way he always do.

I carry him upstairs and carry to his room. I lay him down on the bed as gently and carefully as I can. I have to make him to let go of my neck.

I take off his shoes and pull of the pants. Then I help him with the hoodie he's been wearing. He still looks way too young and way too beautiful. I pull the sheet over his petite form.

Then I lean down and kiss him on his cheek.

I stand up and turn around to go.

"Yuki," I suddenly hear his voice. "Please, stay with me Yuki."

TBC


	37. CLOSER

37.

Yuki's POV

"Please, stay with me Yuki."

It is barely a whisper, my heart aches thinking that I could have missed it.

My pulse quickens when I hear it. Hearing those words is having one of my wishes come true. But I am trying to do what is right here once in my life. I am trying to care. I am still awfully sorry that I have to refuse him and myself.

"No, Shuichi, you don't want it,"

Shuichi's POV

He says I don't want it. Yuki is trying to be noble. Well, that is something new. Yuki I know never tries anything, because he doesn't care. And he is never noble; he takes what he wants not considering consequences and people's feelings. He detests feelings as such I think.

He is trying to impersonate a brick wall, so all the things that could hurt him would just bounce off it, nothing would get past his defenses. But what Yuki has never seen is that his pain is coming mostly from inside, from himself. Nothing from the outside world hurts Yuki as much as he is hurting himself.

Besides along with bad things he also doesn't let anything good inside.

Nothing could get to him, nothing. I thought I could, but I was wrong.

He is trying to be noble! It so ridiculous…

I let out a laugh which probably surprises him, since it is very inappropriate at the moment, but I have never been proper, so no one expects that from me: "Get your mind out of gutter, Yuki Eiri. I don't want to sleep with you; I just don't want to be alone."

Yuki turns around and looks in my eyes for long time. I don't know what exactly he is looking for. I think there is nothing much in my eyes at the moment. I try not to think about anything for now. I am just sleeping with my head on the pillow and waiting patiently.

Then Yuki closes the door and walks back towards my bed. He kicks of his shoes and starts unbuttoning his shirt. It gives me a nice view. He is beautiful as ever. It is not a surprise. It has been only a year after all. When Yuki starts undoing his belt I am almost sorry for the request I made.

I know he will notice it, but I burry my face in the pillow so I don't have to look at Yuki as he takes of his trousers. He, silly me!

I don't really know what kind of moment of weakness was it. Why did I ask him to stay with me? I always do those stupid, impulsive things.

Yuki lifts the sheet and the bed dips behind me. I hope he doesn't feel me shivering. Or at least he doesn't know that it has nothing to do with cold.

His arms sneak around my waist. I give him a credit, his hands stay over my T-shirt. But they pull me closer and Yuki buries his face in my hair.

Do you really want it? Do you really want to be close to me this way? This is something I have always dreamed of and something he never gave me. Does this mean that I am not the only one who has changed?

I am excited, but I am also scared, because this can't be true. It can't be real. Still. His body pressing in my back is very real. He is here, ready to give me everything I want, everything I had always wanted, even against my will if necessary.

It is thrilling in a way. I have power. I can make Yuki to do everything I want.

Ok, that sounds ridiculous. Yuki listening to someone and doing what they ask. It's as likely as Ryuichi soaking Kumagoru with petrol and setting it on fire.

I don't know what to make of this. I am afraid do make something of this.

So I don't.

I close my eyes and bask in the warmth of Yuki's body; I listen to his breathing, like a lullaby and try not to think big thoughts.

Yuki's POV

The light is too bright. Damn Tohma! Someone as thoughtful as him should be able to cover their windows with some proper curtains!

I still manage to crack my eyes open. The warmth I feel makes me smile. And also the fact that Shuichi is the one who has ended all over me. Despite the fact that we fell asleep lying one next to other, Shuichi now is sleeping on me.

I bet the brat had some very nice dreams, since I can feel his morning wood poking at my thigh. But I won't be the one to make fun of Shuichi, because I have the same problem. I never thought myself to be a hypocrite. At least not in obvious ways.

The question is what to do about it?

I have an idea. I lift my head a bit and blow on his ear. Shu growls and turns his head away trying to escape my attack.

Naturally I repeat it. And regret it as this time the brat squirms or should I say rubs against me quite suggestively?

Would be nice if I could just flip him over, rip off his boxers, grab that little tight bottom of his and…

Shit! This was the worst time for fantasizing. Now I am painfully hard now.

I try to think about something disgusting – my brother fucking Sakuma's pink bunny, my father naked, me getting married to Ayaka… luckily it helps a bit. Well, maybe not the first one, it is kind of funny. Or not, the more I am thinking about it the more disgusting the mental image gets. Besides there's the fact that no one knows with Tatsuha, I wouldn't put it past him…

Damn it! Kill me someone!

However I don't think it is a solution for long time. I ran my fingers through his hair gently: "Wake up, Shuichi."

Next moment two violet eyes are staring at me. Since he is lying on my chest we are almost nose to nose, barely inches from each other.

"M…mm… morning," his cheeks turn a bit pink and Shuichi crawls off me instantly. Some things never changes.

I smirk and he obviously notices that, judging by that glare. I have to get out of here before he does something else which makes me jump him.

"Breakfast will be ready in half an hour,"

I announce in a business-like manner and leave the bedroom.

Shuichi's POV

Oh, I know that I let Yuki to close. I know. But what does that really mean?

What does Yuki think it means?

Who knows what is happening in that twisted brain of his…

But what did I mean by it? Oh, I know what I mean. I am a human, and I am week, and a week human like me sometimes needs a human contact. Besides Yuki was there and he was willing. So does it mean that I used him?

I used Yuki… but who cares? Why would I care? He fucking kidnapped me, the bastard and I am the one here worried about the fact that maybe I used him by asking for a bit of cuddling.

I want back to Tokyo.

No, not Tokyo. USA would be better.

Or another planet.

Yuki told me he loved me. I lost it and he told me that he loved me. How could he? He's Yuki. But I guess I should get a shower before breakfast.

And then I will have to face him.

But before anything I have to write down a song.

_Your hands on me – _

_Such a sweet torture_

_And I can hardly say_

_Do they hurt more today_

_Or tomorrow_

_When they will push me away._

TBC

Thank you very much for those who are reviewing. I was really surprised that so many of you like this story.

I am not the steadiest writer and I am working on some other stories too and have other things to do, but I am really trying to work on this as much as I can. Right now I can't decide if I should still stretch it out a bit or wrap it up. But I guess as often stories do this will also go its own way. People who write would understand what it's like.


	38. HAPPY END

Disclaimer: I don't own Gravitation and I just borrow characters to write a fan fiction story with noncommercial intentions. And I hope I don't offend anyone.

A/N: **Warning**! Heya, this chapter is more adultish than the previous ones, so if that is a problem skip Yuki's POV. But honestly, if you have gotten this far... well, this is slash and I know that most of fan fiction readers have thick skins. But for your knowledge - adult content ahead.

HAPPY END

Shuichi's POV

This is so fucked up. One big cosmic joke. Everyone has heard about those. They are the ones which are thousands of light-years away from being funny, but you can't get rid of the feeling that there is a very nasty, cock-headed deity sitting somewhere on the edge of a fluffy, pink cloud and laughing her ass off on my expense. Bitch! At least that's what I think, but it's not like I am smart or anything. Everyone knows I am not. I am just me.

For a moment I wonder if someone has slipped me some LSD or some of that other stuff which makes one see cartoons in full color, if it's in me then someone slipped it in my glass or something, because I am not that far gone yet. I wouldn't touch the serious stuff. And Aaron would kill me. Well not really, but seeing all that disappointment in his eyes would. He puts up with enough shit for me already it wouldn't be fair to upset him even more.

But I must be hallucinating anyway, because this can't be real. There is no way I am here in this nice cottage with pretty furniture and Seguchi's family pictures around me as if someone had vomited them all over the place. No way am I sitting here opposite Yuki who had made omelets for both of us. He is just sitting there, eating. Just like that! After everything that happened to him, to me, to us.

There is no way Yuki told me he loved me yesterday and all that other crap. And I refuse to admit that yesterday I was suddenly feeling so damn lonely that I asked HIM to sleep next to me. What's coming next? Will I ask him to fuck me against the wall tonight? And tomorrow morning call Tohma and beg him to arrange us a private jet to take us to Las Vegas so we can find an alien who would marry us? Ask if the couch is still there? Oh I know it is, so…

Yuki suddenly asks what put me into such good mood and I realize that I am laughing. Chuckling over my ham and mushroom omelet like an idiot.

"No, Eiri, I am just going insane," I answer very seriously and then start laughing for real. My mood is not good at all.

This is all just so ridiculous that I…

"Shuichi!" Yuki calls out. Both of his hands are cupping both of my cheeks and he has lifted my head so I have to look in his gorgeous eyes if I don't close mine. I can smell cigarettes on his fingers. My tears are running over his hands. Why does he look so worried again? Lately I have seen that expression quite a lot. Is there a deadline coming, I want to ask. There is always a deadline coming, I have learned that much, but I am afraid that this time it doesn't really matter.

Why do you suddenly look so worried, Yuki, what do my tears suddenly matter to you? Back then, when you knew me, I used to cry a lot. Bloody hell! I used to bawl my eyes out trice every day and you didn't really care, my Yuki. Stop looking so upset! Your concern is mocking me! Now, when I don't need and don't want it anymore. No. Yes. I don't!

It's too late Yuki.

"No, it's not," he can be pretty confident for someone who is messed up like that.

How much of all that I said aloud?

"It is never too late, Shuichi," he repeats.

'It is never too late,'… just listen to him. It seems the great novelist has been reading his own books lately. Where else he could have gotten that mushy nonsense from? 'Not too late…' how corny one can get?

"Why not?" I challenge him.

"Because I say so," oh, that is so 'Yuki'. It is absurd, that he can be so confident with all the self-pitying and self-punishing. He hates himself, but he still acts with so damn much confidence. Walks, talks and looks like someone who thinks that he is so much better than anyone else. No one who doesn't know the great Yuki Eiri could tell that it's exactly the opposite. It is absurd, really, because people who hate themselves should think lowly of themselves and those who think lowly of themselves should be more humble. It would make things less complicated, wouldn't it? It should be illegal.

Yuki, humble… oh, that's a good one. There is not a humble bone n his body. No one is humble in that bloody family, not even the one who is supposed to be a monk.

Yuki is kneeling in front of me, still holding my face in one of his hands and raking the other through my hair. It does calms me down, no doubt there. I am weak and pathetic piece of… I am putty in his hands.

What else is there? What choice do I have? Since I returned to Tokyo I have been hiding and running and running… I have been running straight in his arms all the time. As if some unknown, mysterious power has been pulling us together.

I tried to run away from Yuki, but who was I trying to fool? All the time I spent in USA I was trying to forget him so hard, trying to leave it behind me. And there wasn't a day when I didn't think about him.

I have been fighting. Fighting so hard. Fighting against him, against Tohma, against all the couches which are uncomfortable to sleep on even for one person. I have been fighting against my moronic self and inevitability. I can't win, right? I will never win. I am a looser, always have been. Not smart enough, not good enough.

But Yuki. He is smart. Yuki is a winner. He is so damn good at everything he does. Who cares that he hates himself. Well, Tohma probably does and looses his sleep over it. No matter what, he is not as fucked up as we. It is sometimes hard not to forget that there are people who don't hate themselves. That not everyone is like Yuki and I.

I am tired of fighting and I am ready to admit that they have won Yuki and Tohma have won again. They wanted me gone. I did. Now they want me back… what can I do? I tried to run away so very hard, but I couldn't.

Now he is sitting on the floor, holding me in his arms. Holding me as if he loved me. Yuki told me he loved me yesterday. Oh, but I knew that much already. I knew he had always loved me. Or I didn't? Well, I think, that actually it was something I desperately wished and hoped for, but never could be sure about.

But even if he did love me, that never meant he wasn't hurting me, wasn't killing me slowly. And it doesn't mean he won't be hurting me again if I let him and I know I am going to let him, and it makes me feel so damn helpless. I know, he just has to ask and I will let him. I will allow Yuki Eiri free reign over my body and soul. I can be just that strong.

This is so messed up. We both are so messed up which probably makes us a perfect fit, doesn't it? But we are… this what we have, what we always will is endless like time, hard as diamond and unavoidable like gravitation.

Yuki's POV 

I am running my fingers through his silky strands. Not pretentious pink anymore, but it was never about the hair, his particularness. He doesn't need a pink mop to stand out in a crowd, I am not sure if Shu realizes that he will be catching everyone's eye anyway, despite trying not to. He was such a little attention whore back then, now Shuichi looks like he wants to be invisible, like he wants everyone to leave him alone. But some wishes just shouldn't be granted and this is one of those. Shuichi is not one to know what is good for him. I will not let him be.

I keep caressing his cheek with my thumb looking in those bottomless lavender eyes, wondering what is he thinking about. I don't mind that much. I have already decided to give him all the time Shu needs, because I know that sooner or later he will let me in. I will wait. But, hell, I hope he gives in soon, because I am not of the patient sort.

I kneel in front of his chair since I am getting tired of leaning, but don't stop touching him and keep my eyes on his. I am not letting him go again.

We are so close that I can smell him. His hair, his skin and something fruity, must be the shower gel or something. Suddenly I remember how long it had been since I have had him. Damn, not something I should be thinking at the moment. I am not sure if now is the time to throw the brat on the dining room floor and have my wicked way with him. Does the little imp know that he is driving me mad without even batting an eyelash? I think he doesn't, but can't be sure. After all I am not sure how well I actually know Shuichi Shindou, I can't be sure what he has been hiding behind that pretty face and too innocent eyes. I don't think anyone really knows. I don't think anyone ever bothered.

Then I notice that something changes in his expression. His eyes which have always been too expressive to hide anything are telling me that he had decided something. I see new kind of resolve. For a moment I am more afraid than ever, for a moment I hold my breath, I feel like the accused who is about to hear the death sentence, so desperate to…

And then it's over. Shuichi reaches out to me. He puts both of those little, hot hands on the juncture between my shoulders and neck. It sends shivers running down my spine and all the blood pouring between my legs and I truly believe that those petite, soft fingers will leave their imprints on my skin forever. If the brat keeps this on the dining room floor it is.

But Shuichi has never been sensible, so he keeps touching me flattening his palm against my neck and sliding it under the collar of my shirt down my back. His plump cupid bow lips part and tip of tongue darts out wetting his upper lip oh so invitingly. A wave of desire hits me like an avalanche washing away half of the coherent thoughts I still had. All that is left is lust. When Shu's blunt nails scrape against my backbone and his hot breath caresses my lips there is no way back. It is like I have to fuck him or die. And I don't have a death wish right now. Oh, no, I am feeling more alive than ever.

I have no idea who moved first; what matters is that my lips are on his drinking from the sweetest of mouths I have ever tasted. Those pouty strawberry lips are all I need and I curse myself for taking that much time to realize it.

I want to taste all of him, so I hungrily attack his jaw line, his skin, his neck with my lips, my tongue and a bit of teeth, I want to lay him down in front of me, the most delicious of feasts, and eat it all up, but I don't want to hurt Shu, not anymore, after everything, so I decide to take it to a bed, hard floor is just not good enough. Shuichi deserves a lot more than that.

I pick him up and Shu instantly wraps his long, slim legs around my waist the same way he used to, his legs crossed behind my back, rubbing over my buttocks, his arousal poking into my abdomen, arms hugging my neck, nose buried in the crook of my neck, hair caressing my cheek. This is so familiar and thrilling. I hardly make it upstairs and into the bedroom before we start tearing off each other's clothes. I want him so much it hurts, quite literally, I am impossibly hard and Shu is not helping with all that whimpering and mewling.

Finally we have managed getting rid of our shirts and pants and… "Lube," I look at him and Shu nods in understanding letting go of my shoulders and allowing me to stand up. If this was one of my romance novels he would have said 'screw it, let's just do it', but it's not, and even if some might call me a sadistic bastard, I don't actually get off on pain and dry would be quite painful. So I have to stand up, figure out in which room we have landed, try to recall where I put the damn vaseline and get it which is quite a quest considering that all the blood has migrated south from my brain.

The only time I regret that my Shu is not a woman is when we can't be as spontaneous about it without painful consequences, especially when it has been a while. (And I am glad that it has been a while for him, because he is mine!) But then there are also none of 'those days' when they are not in the mood. I somehow manage to locate the lubricant and stagger back to where I let my…

My jaw hits the floor and a puddle of drool already forming on the carpet. Shuichi is half sitting half lying on white cotton sheets completely naked propped up against the pillows, eyes glazed over, cheeks flushed, hands gripping the covering, legs bent and parted. Shuichi… somehow he always manages to look like some kind of virgin sacrifice to be deflowered for the sake of some grater good, the way he surrenders himself. He is letting me to have him and begging me to have him and trying to save me and make me a better person with his sacrifice and damning me at the same time, ruining me for anyone else. That's the price for my salvation.

I think I have just recently realized that he has always surrendered much more than just his body to me. He is giving me all of himself. Becoming mine in body and soul, so painfully beautiful…

I start with ankles, worship them with little kisses and nibs and then lick my way up the long, slim leg giving some extra attention to his knee joints and inner thighs. Shu's moans are music to my ears. I pretend I haven't noticed his pink, eager cock silently begging for my attention and instead dip my tongue into his navel; I thrust it in and out insinuating what I might do to his other orifices later.

"Yuki, please… Yuki," he pleads. I like torturing my petit lover, but not at my own expense, so I think it's time to get to the point. I run my hands up and down his thighs massaging the small, round buttocks letting my fingers dip in the crevice between them teasingly.

"Ahh… please," Shuichi moans. I turn him around on his stomach and squeeze some of the lube on my fingers. Instead of lying still he's pushing his pert little but up eagerly, offering.

"Aren't you impatient?" I ask lying down on him and sliding my slick, leaking cock up and down against his crevice. "Can't wait till I fill your tight, eager hole?" Shu whimpers deliciously as I am my finger against his opening and basking his nape with kisses and bites. There is some resistance, but finally my finger breaches him and I start loosening him, getting ready for me. From there it's kind of blurry, all I know is the body beneath me, connected to mine where his tight channel is clenching around my finger, around two fingers and then three fingers. And then it's enough.

He's ready and I am ready. I spun him around. I want to look in his eyes when I take him. Shu's back is arching. I lift his legs up over my shoulder, position my cock against his hole and push. He is tight and hot and I am not going to last long, so I start thrusting in and out instantly. Shu is writhing and moaning and crying out my name and I love him and he is coming without me even touching his cock and I am soon following him. I collapse on top of my little lover, with my cheek against his sweaty chest and this time he entwines his fingers in my disheveled hair.

We lie like that for some time and then I slide up and switch our positions so that I am the one who is holding him in my arms. I wipe away two stray tears that had escaped his eyes and brush my lips against his ear. "I love you," I whisper. I want to make sure he knows this time around. Third chances are not as popular as the second ones for a reason.

TBC?

A/N: This has a feel of happy ending and I am honestly unsure what to do with the story from here.

I actually have some more drama and angst in mind. Butthen, I am quite happy about the story so far and I don't want to spoil it by stretching it out.

Talk to me people!

I could go on with some 'Ever After'. The difference I guess is that in first case you have some peace of mind and no more waiting for the next chapter. In second case you may get some more entertainment, but who knows when with my muse who is so fickle.

I started this story ages ago and i hate leaving stories incomplete, but to put an end to it just because that doesn't seem right, but then, I am afraid that it could suddenly get less good somehow. Argh!

Still – thank you for all the reviews! I love you guys and I am happy when I can please at least someone with something I do.


	39. 39 EVER AFTER

39 39. EVER AFTER

Shuichi's POV

It's so strange when people decide to have sex just shortly after having breakfast. When you have it after waking up, you take a shower and have breakfast. If you have it in the evening you go to sleep. It makes things easier and less awkward. Of course the timing wouldn't have mattered if the two people in the bed weren't me and Yuki and if there weren't so much between us. So many things done, said and unsaid.

But it was so easy to give in to him.

Of course it was. There are three things I have always wanted more than anything else. When I was a little kid, I wanted to own a pocky factory. Later I found out that it **was **possible to eat too much strawberry pocky and not pleasant at all.

In my teens I wanted to become the greatest pop-star ever. I think that's off too since to be a pop-star one needs to sing and I obviously haven't been singing that much lately. The third thing I have always wanted more than anything is to be with Yuki, ever since I laid my eyes on him.

I am with him now. I am always with him actually. It's like they sometimes say about people who die that they stay with you as long as you remember them, as long as you think about them as long as you love them. Not very nice to compare Yuki to a dead man, but he probably deserves that anyway, being so cold sometimes. But the point is not that he's like a corpse, the point is that he is always with me. I carry him with me no matter where I go, no matter how far I run.

I feel his finger drawing some kind of patterns on my shoulder blade. It tickles!

"Yu-u-u-kiii!" I can't help, but laugh. He knows perfectly well where I am ticklish, the bastard, so he's doing it on purpose.

I don't want to feel this way, I hate it. I hate myself for being so weak. I hate my traitorous heart for beating faster just because Yuki is there. I hate my eyes which are looking for him every time I enter a room. I hate my body which feels as if it has been created with sole purpose to give itself over to Yuki Eiri. I hate that I can hate everything around me, that I can hate myself even, but never him. Not truly.

But there is nothing, nothing I can do…

I turn on my back and throw my head back, obediently allowing him all the access to my neck. I lift my arms and burry my fingers in his incredibly soft, golden hair, and let little breathy moans escape, encouraging his lips on my skin. I spread my legs allowing him to fall between them where he belongs.

Aaron's POV

And when I thought that I couldn't possibly hate anyone more than Yuki Uesugi or Eiri or whatever he calls himself…

Looking at the calm and pleasant smile Tohma Seguchi is wearing I am really starting to understand why Shuichi ran from here, from all those people and how he became who he is.

Seguchi has gall to claim that there is nothing I can do. Nothing! Nothing my ass!

"Listen, we are talking about kidnapping here!" If he thinks I won't go to police, he's wrong!

"One can't kidnap someone who is willing to come along,"

"He was not willing!" How dares he!

"Maybe, but certainly is by now,"

I think I am going to be sick.

"Mister Fleming," Seguchi puts his hand on my shoulder and I don't jerk it off only because I am too stunned… he's trying to calm me? Damn bastard.

"Mister Fleming," he takes away the hand and turns around, looking out of his office window. How appropriate for a sociopath and megalomaniac or whatever his problem is. He must be feeling like the ruler of the world looking down at everyone from the heights of the famous NG Tower.

Then the man sighs as if he were carrying the weight of Universe on his shoulders. "I am sorry, but there is nothing you or I can do. Absolutely nothing. Believe me, I have tried, but I know better now. The only thing we can do is to make sure that they don't destroy each other."

"If he had hurt Shuichi, I am going to kill him,"

Tohma doesn't say anything, but he slowly turns towards me.

"You must realize that I will never allow anyone to hurt Eiri," and I see it in his eyes. For a moment I see it, the determination, the obsession, pain. Very old pain. And vulnerability.

And just when I thought that there was nothing that could unbalance Tohma Seguchi. His greatest weakness is Yuki Eiri. I feel sorry for him. Not for Tohma, for Yuki.

I start laughing. Inappropriate it is, but I don't fucking care. I am a bit hysterical, I know, but I have to vent my frustration and anger somehow.

I almost miss the slight tightening of Seguchi's lips.

Oh, God, I wish I could take Shuichi away from this madness like never before.

Two days later they return to Tokyo. Shuichi is alright. Taking into account that it's Shuichi. When we meet for the first time he refuses to look into my eyes as he is packing bags. I am trying to talk to him. I am asking if he is sure that it is what he really wants. He doesn't really answer. He starts saying something, but the words are not coming out.

His hands are shaking as I help him to put his laptop and synthesizer in the bags. Then Shuichi suddenly throws himself at me, his arms hugging my waist, his face hidden against my chest.

"Thank you, thank you Aaron," he whispers.

"I love you Shuichi," I tell him. He has to know. He has to know that I am still there, still with him and always will be. That he is not alone.

"I know…" he is clinging on my shirt.

"You don't have to, you don't have to return to him," I am almost begging.

"No," Shuichi shakes his head. "I have to. I don't have any other choice Aaron."

Oh, and I know that there is nothing I can do. I will have to accept it.

I help Shuichi to carry out two bags with most necessary things and promise to arrange everything so that the rest will be delivered tomorrow. Then I return into the house and watch through the window as the black, sleek car stops by the house and Yuki Eiri puts Shuichi's bags in the trunk. I don't think I could hold back if I went out there. I really want to kill the bastard.

He has won. Tohma Seguchi has won. But it doesn't mean that I am giving up. Oh, no, I am never giving up on Shuichi, he is all I have.

I will be watching. I will be always there waiting for the day Shuichi will want to be free of the curse whose name is Yuki Eiri.

TBC

A/N: I am soooo not sure about this (if I should end the story here), because there are still things I would like to write. But then they are together where I wanted them and that is where I wanted them, so this is such a nice place to end it. Have you had enough, guys?


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